The Lost and The Found

The Lost and The Found Written by Tom Clement (@TomAClement) [[Click to start]].

Content Warning: Mature Content/Discrimination/Bad Langauge "The Lost and The Found" follows the early moments of the main character's discovery of their sexuality. I wanted to fully commit to representing to the outside forces that can impact a person in this situation, especially when it comes to homophobia. While these views are damaging and hurtful, I believed that it was fundamental for the story I wanted to tell. - Tom [[Next]].

Ya know, if we are being perfectly honest, you thought the idea, “I always knew I was… //different//,” was a cliché. (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Until you realised it [[applied to you]].](stop:)]

You can recall moments where you knew you weren’t like the other boys in your class. And you guess some of them knew that too. The words, "[[fuckin’ queer]],” followed you like a shadow. And you believe, no, you know, your resistance to accepting your sexuality was because of sneering angst-fuelled homophobia from your peers in your formative years. Their words, their taunts, [[their raised fists]], they clung to your psyche like cigarette smoke.

But there was always something else keeping you from claiming that label (well, a less vulgar approximation). Him. Your [[first male crush]]. Your first male love. Your mind swims back to [[the summer]], when you had just turned eighteen.

All you had done was smile at him and said "hey". A mark of acknowledgement. You had spent the previous summer playing together. But you hadn't heard the rumours. People made their own assumptions of you two. He vehemently denied everything said in between throwing his fists at you. "I'm not a faggot," he shouted, connecting his fist to your nose. There was a crunch and blood poured out. "You don't want to touch him again John, he'll probably give you AIDs." That was the start of a [[hellish year|applied to you]].

Well, obviously not [[your first crush|fuckin’ queer]]. There will always be a certain fox in a Robin Hood film. And while you had dated girls back when you were younger, not many had lasted longer than a few weeks. One girl had agreed to “go out” with you at morning break, only to “dump” you by the end of the day because you wouldn’t kiss her at lunchtime.

You remember seeing him for the first time. School had finished. Exams had finished. You are just waiting for your results to come back to head off to university. And your [[friends]], Joey, Mary, and Alex, decided to take advantage of the sun and go to a nearby park for [[food and rays]].

You had been friends with Joey since you first met in primary school. You played together at lunch everyday. You met Alex at the start of high school, and due to alphabetical seating arrangements you were sat next to them in nearly every class. That is a quick way to make a new friend, sheer time. On a non-uniform day you complimented Mary on her purple boots. She marveled at your bow tie. You spent break time talking together, and then every subsequent break for the rest of the year. But none of these friends would make an impact on you [[like him|the summer]].

Mary laid out a blanket and Joey unpacked the food he had taken from his mum’s fridge. You were only one of two groups in the park, the other being a group of lads throwing a rugby ball around. Your blissful and uneventful summer break would be broken by said ball [[sailing through the air]] and crashing into a box of grapes.

“Over here, mate!” you here a shout from the players. And that is when you see him, [[silhouetted]] against the baking sun.

Even from a distance, you get a good look at him. He is shirtless, with a strong set of muscles on his chest and arms. He is not buff, but nice and toned. Light golden waves float down from his hair, resting just above his bright green eyes. There are a row of freckles upon his nose and cheeks, ekeing out their last moments as he transitions into adulthood. You don't really register it at the time, but there was something about him that made you want to press yourself up against his form and let him hold you in his arms. He is warmth and comfort, and that is what [[led you to him]].

Rugby was one of the sports that you were somehow drafted into. You try to maintain that is was your choice, but no doubt that someone else in your family wanted you to toughen up a bit. Your already skinny size didn't change at all during your time spent at rugby and did nothing to stop the continual kicking you would receive at break time. But looking back on it that the time when you were in the park, it was worth it. If you didn't know how to kick a rugby ball, you wouldn't have met him and wouldn't have found someone to spend time with in the long summer days and short hot nights. You measured the distance with one eye and before [[kicking it across the park|hands with ease]].

He smiles as he catches the ball and cradles it to his chest. He looks you in the eye across the park, [[making your chest flutter]]. “Nice shot,” he calls out, before turning back to his friends. You sit back down with yours and finish your lunch. As the sun started to dip and the players put their shirts back on, he [[heads over to the blanket]].

That smile, pearly whites against a sandy exterior, it would makes anyone weak at the knees. You keep sneaking glances at him as the game progresses, and he does the same with you. It could be a non-verbal mating ritual, checking out whether the other one is a good mate to bond with. And then there are those moments where you catch each others eyes and both look away sheepishly. Your heart plummets into your stomach when he [[heads over to the blanket]]. You can barely contain your excitement.

“Nice kick mate,” he says. “Do you play rugby?” You say you used to. He smiles. Another chest thump. “Well, you’re still good enough to play a kicker role. What’s your name?” You tell him, and he responds, “I’m David, nice to meet you.” He holds out his hand, and you grasp it gently. “Do you want to sit down with us?” Joey asks. “Sure,” David says, [[sitting down beside you]].

Despite being a total stranger, you find he is easy to talk to. That might be because he goes to a different school. He has no [[pre-conceived notion]] of who you are. He laughs at your jokes, get’s Alex’s pronouns right on the first go, and [[stays with you]] for a good few hours.

Last summer. [[Spending your time with John]]. People made their own assumptions, even though they weren't true. And then they went to TattleTale. The social media site where anyone can anonymously upload statuses, pictures, or videos. No accountabilty, no verification. And from there your secret spread like wildfire. You've learned to live with the constant teasing, with only brief respites when you are with Joey, Alex, and Mary. It is nice to be able to [[speak with someone new|sitting down beside you]] of your own age and to not have them immediately recoil as they realise who you are.

David even stay behind to help the group pack away the food and blanket back into Joey’s backpack. You start to split, and he asks which way you are going. “I live on North Parade.” “Oh sweet, I’m just a few doors down at South March. [[I’ll walk with you]].”

As David sets off, Joey winks at you and whispers, “I think he likes you.” You dismiss Joey as he turns around towards his house, but when you catch up to David, you feel something clawing in your chest, wanting desperately to break out. It is like nothing you’ve [[ever experienced before]].

As the sun starts to set you walk down the deserted streets together, throwing the rugby ball between the two of you. You talk about school life and [[what universities you two were looking at]], getting closer and closer as the lampposts starts to flicker into existence. And then before you know it, you are standing outside your house. “Well, I guess this is it,” David says, [[swaying back and forth]]. “Yeah, it is,” you say. [[Silence descends between you]].

When he sways forward, his chest is within touching distance. You want to creep your hand forward and play with the soft cotton, feel his chest, his heartbeat quicken when you lay your palm down. And as you gaze into each other's eyes, you want to pull his shirt towards you, taking him off balance, the only safe place to regain his compsure are your lips. Ha, in your dreams! Although, that [[silence between you|Silence descends between you]] is deafening.

The type of silence that can only be broken by a [[combining of bodies]]. But you can’t. You haven’t accepted that part of yourself yet. Not to mention what he thinks of the situation. You just put your hand forward, and after a few seconds of looking at it, David slowly shakes your hand. But not to be outdone by your cowardice, you ask, “What is your number?” You pull out your phone and he recites his number. You ping a text over so he has your number and then turn, [[waving him goodbye]].

First kisses are odd. This wouldn't be your first kiss (if you had had the nerve to kiss him), heavens no. You've kissed girls before. None with much appreciation or skill. Just the awkawrd fumbles at a high school dance where anything more than a quick peck in between drinking cans of soda will get your promptly thrown in the time-out section while the chaperone calls your parents to come pick you up. So while you don't have much skill, you do love that sensation just before the act. When you are staring into the other person's eyes, and you are trying to contain all your urges to just leap forward and push your lips on his. [[That never really goes away|Silence descends between you]].

You meet by pure accident the next day. You see him with a rugby ball and a few friends heading to the park. You can’t remember; did [[you run after him]] or did [[he see you and stop]]?

“David!” You call up the street. He turns around and when he realises you has called him he breaks into a smile. “Hey, we’re about to go play some rugby in the park. Want to join?” "[[Sure, sounds fun]].”

As David looks both ways to cross over the street, he stops and sees you and breaks into a smile. “Hey, want to come play with us? We’re going to the park.” "[[Sure, sounds fun]].”

You spend the next few hours throwing and kicking the ball between the four of you. David’s friends were Ollie and Jack. They were proper rugby lads, built like brick outhouses and about as charismatic. But David’s constant [[compliments and encouragement]] kept you going. “Nice shot! Good throw! Why did you give rugby up, you are excellent!” You thought it was all going well, until [[Ollie spoke up]].

You imagine the words you want him to say to you. "I love you. I want you. I need you." You wipe your brow and take a deep breath, trying to dispel the thoughts from your mind and focus instead on throwing the rugby ball around. But when he is there, in front of you, you find it hard to focus on anything else. [[He is entombed within your mind|Sure, sounds fun]].

“What school did you say you went to again?” “Abbey Mill.” Ollie’s eyes widen in recognition. “I thought I knew you. You’re that fag boy that was [[outed on TattleTale]].” It feels like you’ve been punched in the chest. Your cheeks burn from embarrassment. But then David [[jumps in]].

“Don’t say [[THAT]] word.” “Why not, it’s what he is.” “No it isn’t. He’s a guy. Just like us. There is nothing bad about him. Hell, we were just playing rugby with him.” Jack speaks aloud. “I never thought fags would be good at rugby.” “Nah, it’s the opposite,” Ollie replies. “They love grabbing other guys around the shorts.” You mumble something about [[heading home]] but David stops you. “No, these guys should leave, you shouldn’t have to go."

I mean, fag wasn't the worst thing you've been called. "Dog-fucker" was an interesting one. "AIDs-carrier" was worse. "I should kill you," wasn't a slur but it was still kind of hurtful. And failing a swiftian ripoiste, the other guy would probably just punch your lights out. And even though you can sometimes laugh while looking back an teen-riddled angst, [[it was never funny in the moment|jumps in]].

You wish that had happened. Instead David just stood there [[like a statue]] as his friends berated you, eventually leaving of their own accord soon after. Only then did he come over and check you were okay. For a second, you hate him. You truly despise him. But then you look into his jungle green eyes and count the freckles along the bridge of his nose…and he is back making your stomach do somersaults. "[[Come on, let's go,]]" he says.

You start walking home togther when David throws a question out. “Do you want to go to the pub tonight? You’ve got your license, right? So you won’t have any trouble getting in?” You immediately say ‘yes’, before realising you already have plans. “Joey, he’s having a party at his house tonight since his parents are out of town. I can ask him you can come along, I’ll text him.” David tries to protest but you remind him that he brought up wanting to go for a drink, so he finally relents. [[Joey pings back a minute later]].

TattleTale. The social media site where anyone can anonymously upload statuses, pictures, or videos. No accountabilty, no verification. Your first run-in with the site was following your argument with [[John at the start of the school year]]. It was contained first to your form group, then to your school year, then somehow to the entire school, and then beyond to the internet. The obvious embellishments (link: "started almost immediately.") [started almost immediately. "I heard they kissed." "Ugh, I was interested in John, but if that is true then I don't want to go near him! How could he kiss a boy?" "I heard they had sex in John's bed." "Is that even allowed?" "I wonder who was top." "Definitely John, he is the more masculine one!"] It didn't matter if it wasn't true, people loved a scandal. And this is why you never took quickly to a label. Because it has only ever locked you in and never set you free. [[Just like now|Ollie spoke up]].

All you had done was smile at him and said "hey". A mark of acknowledgement. You had spent the previous summer playing together. But you hadn't heard the rumours. People made their own assumptions of you two. He vehemently denied everything said in between throwing his fists. "I'm not a faggot," he shouted, connecting his fist to your nose. There was a crunch and blood poured out. "You don't want to touch him again John, he'll probably give you and STD." That was the start of a [[hellish year|outed on TattleTale]].

All you had done was smile at him and said "hey". A mark of acknowledgement. You had spent the previous summer playing together. But you hadn't seen what people had been writing on TattleTale. People decoded the summer evenings you had spent together. He vehemently denied everything written on TattleTale in between throwing his fists at you. "I'm not a faggot," he shouted, connecting his fist to your nose. There was a crunch and blood poured out. "You don't want to touch him again John, he'll probably give you AIDs." That was the start of a [[hellish year|pre-conceived notion]].

The Lost and The Found. [[Begin Story]].

That should have been it. You should have guessed how things would go after that. Sure, he came and asked if you were okay afterwards and [[walked home with you|Come on, let's go,]], but his silence indicated just as much as the other two throwing epithets at you. You stayed...and set yourself up for a fall. You were just suckered in by his body and his mind and didn't think what the outcome might be.

David said he was looking to do Art History at uni. So he wasn't just a good face, he was creative as well. "You can come over and see some of my paintings if you want sometime," offered. "Sure, that would be cool." And already you had a second date planned. It didn't have a day on it...but it was something. You are pulled out of your future daydreams by you two standing in front of your house, a little too close. [[David bounces on the balls of his feet|swaying back and forth]]. His eyes travel between your eyes and your lips. [[Something is brewing in the silence|Silence descends between you]].

Being an [[ex-rugby player]], you pick up the ball and drop kick it right into his [[hands with ease]].

(set: $storyStyle to (background: black) + (color: black)) (enchant: ?Page, $storyStyle) (align: "===><===")[Joey's Chat] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Sure you can bring your date along.]] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[He's not my date.](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Come off it, we all know you like him.](stop:)] (live: 10s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[And he likes you back.](stop:)] (live: 13s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[This convo is over.](stop:)] (live: 15s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Ping me when you are on your way.](stop:)] (live: 17s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[Will do.](stop:)] (live:20s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+[(goto: "look up")(stop:)]]

You look up from your phone. “He says you can come along.” “Nice,” David replies. “I’ll meet you here then?” “Yep, half eight.” “Cool, [[See you then]].”

You feel like you’re being picked up for prom; your body is alive with nervous flutters but lined with an infectious high mood. You raced to the kitchen when the doorbell rang, getting to it before your [[parents or siblings]] could find a handsome boy on their porch asking for you. David scrubs up well. You were worried that he might come dressed in sweats and a rugby shirt being the ‘sporty’ boy he was. You were [[dead wrong]].

You had come out to your parents around the same time as the bullying had intensified. You hadn't used the term 'gay' as such, more just a weird word salad that ended up with you saying you might 'like boys'. Their was a brief mourning period when your parents realised the future they had thought out for you was burned, but they soon got over it. Although to them it was still in its abstract form. It would take some time for them to comprehend a boy they hadn't met before standing outside their door [[asking for their son|See you then]].

His button-down short sleeve shirt, rolled up to accentuate [[his biceps]] was made for the summer warmth, but was still fashionable. He accepted the heat with a set of khaki shorts and grey ankle socks. The only ‘sporty’ thing he was wearing was a set of pristine white classic tennis shoes. You smile at him as you [[lead him away]] from your house towards Joey’s. You don’t speak much in the trip down, too transfixed by the fact [[he is with you]].

You had always been a scrawny kid. No matter the activity; rugby, karate, even signing up at the local gym for tri-weekly kettlebell classes over a period of six months, you just couldn't build muscle. Are muscles your type? You try to think of those you have dated/crushed on/loved unrequited. You can count them on a single hand. You think you haven't been in this game long enough to have developed a 'type" yet. Unless your type is "no-type"? That just makes your head hurt. It's probably thinking too much about your "type" that made you nearly walk into a lamppost on your way to [[Joey's house|he is with you]].

You ache to take his hand and walk with him hand-in-hand through the streets. You extend your arm but in the end you settle for a hand motion for him to follow you. One day you think you'll build up enough courage. For now you'll just have to [[walk side-by-side|dead wrong]].

As you turn into Joey’s drive you can already hear the bass on his sound-speakers reverberating through the ground. You knock and after a few seconds Joey answers the door. “And you brought David, don’t you just look like an adorable pair!” You cringe at Joey’s opening line but David cracks a laugh and grabs you round the shoulder, agreeing with Joey. You look up at David and smile, before he [[leads you into the house]].

As the house fills up with guests, the drink starts to flow. The next four hours is a blur. [[Tequila shot races. Beer pong doubles]]. And David gets closer and closer. When you balk out of the tequila race halfway through and head to the bin, he rubs your back to make you feel better. When you make a perfect slam dunk in the beer pong match, he squeezes your cheek and says, “That was beautiful! You are beautiful!” "[[Another one]]?" You say, indicating a drink.

You head off to get more drinks and look back at him. He knew nobody here apart from you, but he fits right in and is able to speak to anyone. He catches you looking at him and breaks into a big grin. You can’t help but do the same. It is around midnight when you [[start to walk home]].

As soon as you step out of Joey’s door, a massive raindrop hits you square on the forehead. And soon enough, the heavens descend upon you. “Shit, I didn't think we would need a coat,” David says as he joins you. “How about we run?” you say. “If we run then there will be less rain to hit us.” “I’m not sure that is true, but let’s go for it!” David says and sets off at a sprint. “[[First one back to your house is the winner]]!”

You keep pace with David until at the last moment pulls away and beats you. You realise now that he was just toying with you, letting you catch up to add drama to the race, but at the time you couldn’t really care less. You both hide underneath the large branches of a tree to get out of the rain. [[David turns to you]].

“I had fun tonight. Thanks for inviting me out.” “I enjoyed being with you too.” The two of you smile. Again, that silence, it is overpowering. You begin, “[[I just-]]“ But are cut off by David moving forward and [[kissing you]].

Even now, years on, the smell of tequila still makes you gag. It is a shame. You really enjoyed that night you got to spend with your friends, too young for any responsibilties and old enough that you weren't held back by anything. But any of the [[frivolities|leads you into the house]] are laced with that sickening smell.

You are caught off guard by his sudden outburst of courage, but your eyes instinctively close as you envelop into his embrace. You try and remember the tastes and smells. (cycling-link: bind $hair, "The sour taste of tequila on his lips", "The smell of petrichor on the pavement", "His soft cheeks, yet to be roughened by stubble", "[['Come with me,' he said]]").

You clash bodies as you walk backwards through his bedroom door. His family is away for the weekend, leaving him to the house for a few days. Teeth hit teeth as you sink down onto his duvet. You move away from David’s mouth and [[stare into his eyes]] in the mid-night darkness.

What were you going to say? Was it important? Would it have changed things? (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[Does it really matter? [[He's kissing you right now|kissing you]]. Stop overthinking things.](stop:)]

That...moment. Where you are close enough to touch and your stomach feels like you are trying to wring water out of it. Your breathing becomes heavy and haggard, as your nerves threaten to overtake you and turn you into a shivering wreck. But then you look into his eyes and slowly breathe out, your shoulders lowering, a smile creeping onto your lips. You slowly start to move into each other, contented sighs fill the room; fingers intertwine...everything just flying by in a whirl and your mind screaming, //YES//! [[Those moments]].

You wake up cradled against his chest, duvet tucked under your chin. Morning beer breath doesn’t stop you from kissing David again. You eventually slide out of bed and wobble. Your head is pounding from last night’s drinking. You feel [[embarrassment at your nakedness]] as you slip back on your clothes, discarded around his bedroom. “I’ll text you later,” he mumbles as you kiss him [[goodbye]].

Not so much at not wearing any clothes...and not even embarrassment of such. Just that the boy in the bed behind you, the one you spent the night with, can see you now in the bright morning light, can see all your imperfections and flaws. Yet you can feel his gaze on you, soaking in your slight curves and muscles, your broad bony shoulders and hips...not caring about anything else in the world but you and him. Now //that// moment...that is [[another one to remember|goodbye]].

You stumble home. Despite the headache you feel as if happiness is flying out of the tips of your toes. It is only when you jump in the shower do you find that you ache all over. Your jaw from kissing him all night long. Your neck from the odd sleeping position against his chest. But these are good pains. They remind you that you have something. [[Someone]].

You check in with Joey. He spent the entire morning throwing up. You told him everything that happened. “I knew it!” he shouted, before hurling up again. “Sorry, that’s not because of you, that is the booze.” [[You meet up and go for a walk]] after Joey cleans himself up and gets some food into his stomach.

“Is he wanting a relationship?” Joey asks. You shrug. You hadn’t thought that far ahead. Joey continues. “Well, a lovely summer romance is all it has to be.” You lightly punch his arm in acknowledgment. Your phone pings. [[It’s David]].

(set: $storyStyle to (background: black) + (color: red) ) (enchant: ?Page, $storyStyle) (align: "===><===")[David's Chat] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Hey, I had fun last night.]] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[Me too. Do you want to meet up today?](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Can’t today, feeling super rough :(](stop:)] (live: 10s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[All that tequila haha.](stop:)] (live: 13s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[Okay, text me when you feel better.](stop:)] (live:17s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+[(goto: "Help Joey")(stop:)]]

You spend the rest of the day with Joey, helping clear up his house. Surprisingly the house wasn’t as [[bad as you thought it would be]]. Within an hour it looked presentable enough for Joey’s parents’ imminent arrival. You check your phone after you are done. Still no texts from David. "Give him some time," Joey said, packing away the cleaning equipment. [[David doesn’t text you until two days later|Continue]].

Really? (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[You want to know what the worst thing about cleaning up after a party is?](stop:)] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[I still balk every time I think of that smell.](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[No, I'm not going there.](stop:)] (live: 10s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[You'll thank me.](stop:)] (live:13s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+[(goto: "Continue")(stop:)]]

You want to arrange a meet-up outside, but instead David invites you over to his house. He sneaks you past his parents and siblings with a simple, “[[He plays rugby with me]],” into his bedroom. This continues for about half a month, just the two of you heading to each other’s houses, watching films, playing games, making out when nobody is looking. [[You start to get annoyed]].

“Why don’t we go outside, David? It’s a lovely day.” “I just don’t feel like it, that is all.” A question has been brewing in your head for a while. Fuck it, might as well [[ask it now]].

“Are you afraid of being seen with me?” David turns to you, shocked. “Why would you even ask me that?” Do you remember how you responded? "(cycling-link: bind $answer, "Answer the question.", "What is the matter?", "Why are we sneaking around then?")" [[Your answer...]]

"$answer" “I just…” David starts. He sighs and looks away. It seems you’ve hit a nerve. You go to comfort him with an arm around his shoulder, but he flinches away from you. “Go. Get out. Leave.” “What?” “You heard me, [[get out of here]]!”

He stands up, towering over you. For a few seconds you are worried that he will push or hit you. You scramble backwards out of his door and down the stairs. Tears start to form as you race down the street. You don’t want your family to see you crying, so you text Joey and go to his. Mary and Alex come round as well, and the four of you spend the rest of the day playing games and having fun. The following morning, [[David texts you]].

(set: $storyStyle to (background: black) + (color: black) ) (enchant: ?Page, $storyStyle) (align: "===><===")[David's Chat] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[I’m so sorry for what I did.]] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")[What do you text back?](stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")(cycling-link: bind $answer2, "You still did it.", "It’s okay, just never again.", "Forget it, we all make mistakes.")(stop:)] (live: 7s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")[[Send text.]](stop:)]

(set: $storyStyle to (background: black) + (color: black) ) (enchant: ?Page, $storyStyle) (align: "===><===")[David's Chat] |box>[I’m so sorry for what I did.] (align: "===>")|nox>[$answer2](stop:) (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[I hurt you. I don’t want to do that.](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[You know what? Are you at home?](stop:)] (live: 11s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[Yeah.](stop:)] (live: 14s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Wait there.](stop:)] (live:17s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+[(goto: "The doorbell rings")(stop:)]]

Three minutes later there is a ring at your door. Realising what David has done, you race to the door but are beaten by your father. “Hello, yes?” Your dad says, casting a watchful eye over the boy at his front door. “Hi, I’m David, I’m here for-“ David doesn’t finish his sentence. He breaks into a grin as you slide across the [[tiled floor into the kitchen]].

You want to [[say so much]], but opt for a simple “hey” instead. You grab a set of shoes and tell your dad you’ll be out of the house for a few hours. He tells you that the family is having dinner at six. You nod in acknowledgement before [[following David out into the sunshine]].

You can’t really remember where you went together. It was one of those walk and talk afternoons; where you can trace the sun reaching the apotheosis of the sky, not a cloud to stop its dazzling rays. And somewhere in those hours, his hand [[slips into yours]].

It felt so natural as his fingers lightly intertwine with yours. You look down, a little in surprise, but also just to capture the moment in your mind. A boy, holding your hand in public. You draw your eyes upward towards David’s, and he [[leans in for a kiss]].

David walks you home. You share “just one more” kiss. You eventually playfully push him away after the fifteenth consecutive kiss. “I’ll text you later,” you tell him as you head inside. Your phone pings a few hours later. You immediately grab it, but find it is Joey instead of David. [[You unlock your phone]].

(set: $storyStyle to (background: black) + (color: black) ) (enchant: ?Page, $storyStyle) (align: "===><===")[Joey's Chat] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Hey, were you out with David today?]] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[Yeah, why?](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Is David 'out' yet?](stop:)] (live: 11s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[No. You are starting to worry me.](stop:)] (live: 14s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[There is a pic on TattleTale, of the two of you out today.](stop:)] (live: 17s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Holding hands and kissing.](stop:)] (live: 20s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[What the fuck? Send me the link.](stop:)] (live:23s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+[(goto: "Joey sends you the account.")(stop:)]]

Joey sends you the account.The post caption makes you wince. “David Johnson and some random lad getting off. Never thought he was a queer.” Your name wasn't included in the post. You were practically anonymous, meaning [[all of the comments]] are aimed squarely at David. You are about to text David when he [[pings over a message]].

They were the same sort of comments that you and John had recieved at the end of [[last summer]]. And here they came again. "David Johnson? My friend Milly liked him, how could he?" "Always thought he was a fag. Caught him looking at me once in the locker room." "I kissed him a few months back at a party. I hope I don't have AIDs." The comments swirl around your head as you look at the text David had [[just sent you|pings over a message]].

David sent, “Meet me in the park.” You check the time. It is almost ten o’clock at night. You put your shoes on and walk to the park, your mind racing. As you reach the park gate you see David inside with a couple of his mates. You quickly send a text over to Joey and he is with you in less than a minute. “What the fuck is this?” Joey whispers to you as you walk towards David. “I don’t know, but we’ll soon find out.” [[You open the park gate]].

The obvious embellishments (link: "started almost immediately.") [started almost immediately. "I heard they kissed." "Ugh, I was interested in John, but if that is true then I don't want to go near him! How could he kiss a boy?" "I heard they had sex in John's bed." "Is that even allowed?" "I wonder who was top." "Definitely John, he is the more masculine one!"] It didn't matter if it wasn't true, people loved a scandal. And you and David had just become your classmates' [[new favourite story|all of the comments]].

As you approach, David quickly separates himself from the group and advances towards you. You stop face to face with him. Joey stops a few metres behind you. “What is this about?” you whisper to David. David gathers his thoughts before he [[opens his mouth]].

“I...I...” David starts. “We...can’t see each other anymore.” You begin to laugh. You think this is just some stupid joke. “Why?” You look over at David’s ‘friends’. “Is it because of what these chucklefucks think?” “I don’t want to see you again. I mean it,” David says, his voice getting louder. “What is your problem?” you reply, raising your voice in turn. [[David straightens up to his full height]].

“Why did you kiss me earlier today? Why did you do that?” David shouts. “Me? You took hold of my hand. You kissed me. You took my back to your room!” David roughly pushes you with both his hands. “I’m not gay! I [[can’t]] be a faggot!” David goes to raise his hands again, but [[Joey steps in front of you]].

"Can't." "Can't." Not "am not." Not even "won't". "Can't." Like there was some external factor stopping him from being gay. What is the reason? Because he's a "Rugby Lad"? Because he's always dated girls? Because of some bullshit societal indoctrination that gay men are soft, or weak, or less manly? Because of peer pressure? Is he is too proud to put his social standing on the line? [[You'll never know|Joey steps in front of you]].

“That’s enough. Fuck off right now." Joey says, jamming a finger into David chest. Joey is nowhere near David's height, but his spirit makes up for his shorter stature. David rises onto the balls of his feet as if he wants to fight, but he slowly backs down. “I’m out of here,” he says, throwing a dirty look at you and Joey. David leaves with his friends. Joey turns to you and makes sure that you are okay. "He didn't hit you hard did he?" You shake your head. You try to speak, but you find your throat has constricted through fear and heartbreak. "[[Come on, let's go]]," Joey says.

You head back to Joey’s; he texts Mary and Alex and they meet the two of you at his house...just like the last time. And again David sends you a voice message. It sounds like he is crying. “I’m so sorry...I panicked when I saw the picture...I like being with you...” “Forget him dude,” Joey says. “He’s going to keep fucking you over and they’ll come a point where he’ll do something drastic.” What do you do? [[Get back together with David?]] [[Break things off?]]

Joey warned you. Mary and Alex agreed with him. But you accepted David’s apology. And after a couple more weeks of meeting in secret and fooling around, he let you down again. “You’re leading me on!” he screams, “Why do you keep coming back?” He would spin everything around to make it your fault. He eventually punched you when he couldn’t use his words. And once again you are back at Joey’s with Mary and Alex. At least Joey didn’t say, “I told you so.” David continues to [[text you]] over the next few weeks.

You tell him straight that the two of you are over. While you are sad, you take solace in Joey’s advice. “He was messing you around. It wouldn’t have ended well. You’re going off to university anyway in a few months.” You see him a few weeks later with his arm around a girl in the park with some mates. You catch his eye and he gives you a look...one of longing. He wants you to be there with him. He looks at the girl sat next him and breaks into a fake smile, trying not to let his true feeling show. David continues to [[text you]] over the next few weeks.

(set: $storyStyle to (background: black) + (color: black) ) (enchant: ?Page, $storyStyle) (align: "===><===")[David's Chat] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[I miss you.]] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Let’s meet up.](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Can’t we be friends?](stop:)] (live: 10s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Stop fucking ignoring me.](stop:)] (live: 13s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Stupid cunt.](stop:)] (live: 16s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[I just fucked Melissa. See how easy it was for me to get over you?](stop:)] (live: 20s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Please…can we talk?](stop:)] (live:23s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+[(goto: "Joey takes your phone")(stop:)]]

Joey eventually takes your phone and blocks David’s number and deletes him from your contacts. “This is as much for him as it is for you,” Joey says. [[You don't speak to David for the rest of the summer]].

And then you were off to university. Every now and then you search for his name on social media. You can’t help yourself but see what he is up to. He seems to be going steady with a girl he met in class. She seems happy. You can’t really tell his expression in their photos together. David becomes someone to forget. Until he [[arrives on your front doorstep]] at winter break, two years later, just like he did when he picked you up for Joey's party.

You go for a walk together. “I’m sorry how things ended,” he says, not looking you in the eye. You tell him it is fine. “I just...didn’t know where I was,” he continues. “I was feeling all new things. [[I had never liked guys before]].” “And where are you now?” “I don't know. I had a girlfriend at university. I tried telling her my feelings about men, but she rejected me. So…single again. [[Yourself?]]”

“I met a nice guy in one of my classes, Sam. We’ve been dating for a few months.” “You seem to have everything sorted out,” he says, giving a short laugh. You walk back to your house and stop by the tree you had shared a kiss under it in the rain eighteen months ago. The branches that had protected your from the rain were now dead from the frost. “It was good to see you," David says. "I’m happy for you.” “Ditto,” you reply. “I hope you find whatever you are looking for.” You look at David and for a second, [[you are back]].

His eyes sparkling like emeralds, sandy skin tinged pink from the cold, blonde hair peeking out from underneath a wooly hat. You feel the heat from the summer and the twinge from your heart. You slowly wrap your arms around him and hug him tightly, [[holding him close]]. And then you let him go. He waves goodbye as he walks back home. You head inside and [[text Sam]].

(set: $storyStyle to (background: black) + (color: black) ) (enchant: ?Page, $storyStyle) (align: "===><===")[Sam's Chat] (live: 3s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[Hey beau.]] (live: 5s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Hey, how has your day been?](stop:)] (live: 8s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[Good. I saw an old friend I haven’t seen in a while.](stop:)] (live: 11s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[He was a bit lost when we last spoke.](stop:)] (live: 14s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[But he seems to be finding himself now.](stop:)] (live: 17s)[(t8n:"dissolve")|box>[Can't wait until you're back here.](stop:)] (live: 20s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+(align: "===>")|nox>[Same :)](stop:)] (live:23s)[(t8n:"dissolve")+[(goto: "You hear nothing")(stop:)]]

You don’t hear anything from David until you are back at university. You are enjoying a movie night at Sam’s when your phone pings. It is a TattleTale picture of David, kissing a guy wearing David’s university rugby shirt. The caption reads, “I was lost when I was younger. “I never understood my feelings, but recently an old friend helped me understand who I am. “For the first time, I feel like I have found myself. “My name is David Johnson and I am bisexual.” You smile at the post and [[turn to Sam]].

“I’m glad I found you too.” Sam is perplexed at the use of “too”, but returns the compliment and a kiss. You fall asleep together while watching the film, wrapped together under and blanket, content, safe, and happy. You love Sam, but you can never forget David. He was lost like you were, and you found who you were [[together]].

"I feel like I have to choose between guys and girls and it is fucking with my head," David says, kicking the snow on the ground. "You know that you don't have to choose a side," you say, smiling at him. "There is bisexual, or pansexual, or just 'not straight'. I'm the same." You want to remember the look on David's face forever. That look as he mouthed the two words, as if testing them out. It was like a literal lightbulb moment. "So you like girls too?" David asks. You nod. "But I also date guys," you say. "[[I'm dating a guy at the moment|Yourself?]]."

You wonder if they believed that story. His mother was a lovely woman, slightly plump and constantly sunburnt. His father was similar to his son; tall, stocky, but with a golden beard to go along with his hair. David's younger sister was naturally inquistive, never having seen you or heard David talk about you. And his younger brother nearly caught the two of you kissing in the middle of watching a movie in David's room. They were a lovley seyt of people. But the way David seemed to hoard you in his room, you [[hardly saw any of them|Continue]].

The End --- The Lost and The Found Written by Thomas Clement (@TomAClement)

You try to stay forever in his hold and capture every slight detail. The pinewood aftershave on his neck. The light curls escaping his hat that tickle your ears. His chest moving up and down with his breath. You want to stay here, but you know you can't. He can't. You have to [[let him go|you are back]].

"I'm sorry" would have been fine. "I shouldn't have asked you that question" is another one. "I love you" would have been a bold statement. "That night we spent together was magical" might have been a bit too much. It was probably best just to stick to "[[hey|tiled floor into the kitchen]]".