tickle my goose

(unless: (history:) contains "living room")[Your name is Dave Crow, and you are busy relaxing on your sofa at home dressed only in your yellow-stained Y fronts. It is 2.45pm on a Monday afternoon and Jeremy Kyle is on the TV. You are home early today because your boss has just given you the sack from your job as a street sweeper. You scratch your arse and push your glasses up your nose. [A pot noodle]<c1| rests by your side. You really need to go to the shops for more supplies.](else:)[You are in your dingy little living room.] Some stairs lead up to the [[landing]] , horrible smells eminate from the open [[kitchen]] door, and a battered front door opens out onto the [[street|street]]. (click: ?c1)[SOCIAL STATUS -1 (set: $status to $status-1)You take a mouthfull, it is cold and disgusting..but it is all you have to eat.]

You are in your garden. Not so much a garden actually, more like a square piece of paved land just big enough to swing a cat in. If that cat was a kitten without limbs. Your [[back gate|alleyway]] is here leading into an alleyway. A rackety old shed stands here, swaying in the wind. (unless: (history:) contains "garden")[Mrs Spasm, your next-door neighbour, is peeping at you through a hole in the fence. (click: "Mrs Spasm")[ "Good morning!" You say. She hisses at you and retreats further into her overgrown garden.]] Your back door leads into your [[kitchen]]. (if: $bottle is false)[[You can see a squeezy bottle]<c1|] (click-replace: ?c1)[You pick it up! (set: $bottle to true)] (click: "shed")[(if: $key is false)[The shed is locked!](else:)[You unlock the shed with the key...[[enter the shed|shed]]]]

You are in your garden shed. It is dark and smells musty. Pictures of page 3 girls decorate the walls. (if: $nunchucks is false)[[A pair of nunchucks lie on a dust covered workplace.]<c1|] (unless: $charger is "taken")[You can see a car battery charger.](click-replace: "You can see a car battery charger.")[Taken.(set: $charger to "taken")] (click-replace: ?c1)[You pick up the nunchucks.] (set: $nunchucks to true) [[Leave the shed|garden]]

You are in your bathroom. There is a putrid stench in here. The washbasin is cracked and falling to pieces. A half-shattered mirror hangs over it. Bits of mould cover the tiles around the bath. There is a small window above the toilet. A door leads out onto the [[landing]]. (if: $clothes is false)[[There is a dirty, unwashed and slightly damp tracksuit on the floor]<c1| ] (click-replace: ?c1)[You get dressed in the tracksuit. Good lad Dave, clotheth maketh the man! SOCIAL STATUS +1 (set: $status to $status+1)(set: $clothes to true)] (click: "washbasin")[It is cracked and filty, remains of toothpaste and coughed up flem linger there. (if: $key is false)[You find a key!]] (click: "key")[You pick it up(set: $key to true)] (click: "mirror")[Looking good Dave! Those teeth could do with a clean though!] (click: "teeth")[You give them a good brush. Attaboy Dave! SOCIAL STATUS +1 (set: $status to $status+1)]

(if: $clothes is false)[ You leave the house. On your doorstep you stretch your arms and let out a big yawn. There is a slight chill in the air. You look down and suddenly realise you are not wearing any clothes. Mrs Bracket, your neighbor sees you over the hedge and lets out a shriek before collapsing in a faint. "Cover up you pervert!!!" A woman with a pushchair screams from the other side of the road.] (else:)[ You are on the street. Your council house is in the centre of the most dangerous part of Moss Side in Manchester. The Switch-Blade Brothers run this area.. be on your guard! The road leads west towards a small [[corner shop]]] [[Go back inside|living room]] (click: "Switch-Blade Brothers")[The Switch-Blade Brothers... Four bad ass dudes you wouldn't want to mess with!!]

You are on the hallway. Stairs lead down to your [[living room]] and there is a door that leads into the [[bathroom]] (if: $bill is false)[There is a utility bill here.] (click: "utility bill")[You pick it up (set: $bill to true)]

[You are in your kitchen. Needless to say, it's a right mess. A mouldy banana sits on a stool. An overflowing ashtray sits on the table top, surrounded by dirty, mouldy plates. You can also see some bleach. There is a back door here that leads to the [[garden]] and there is a door leading to your [[living room]]. (click: "mouldy banana")[You chomp on the banana. Bits of it fall unnoticed upon your beard.(set: $status to $status-1) SOCIAL STATUS-1] (click: "ashtray")[Stolen from your local pub, the feathers. It is full to the brim with fag-ends. (if: $passport is false)[You find your passport in there!]] (click: "passport")[You pick it up(set: $passport to true)]]<c1| (click: "bleach")[(replace: ?c1)["You toss the bleach down your throat. You silly fool! You last about 20 glorious seconds, in which time every color of the rainbow flashes across your eyes in a mulitiude of cascades, and then drop dead." +100 drunkeness(set: $drunk to $drunk+100) GAME OVER ]] (click: "GAME OVER")[(go-to: "GAME OVER")]

You are outside the corner shop at the end of the street. There are many pigeons here, all coughing because of the city smog. A country lane can be seen opposite, leading towards some woods. (if: $shop is "open")[Go [[inside corner shop]]] (else:)["The shop is closed for the day" (if: $ronnie is "alive")[Ronnie Pitkin the paperboy is here. [[Follow Ronnie Pitkin]] ]] [[Walk back towards house|street]]

[[Mr Haggins]], the newsagent greets you with warmth as you enter the shop. (unless: (history:) contains "inside corner shop")["Mr Crowe, It is a DELIGHT to see you again!! An absolute DELIGHT!!!!" He beems!! "Hello Mr Haggins!!!" You cheerfully wave.] You walk up to the sweets. There is an array of different chocolate bars, all of different shapes and sizes. You lick your lips and your eyes glisten with wonder! { (click: "chocolate bars")[You pick up the chocolate bar, your little face glowing with anticipation of the sweet delight. <blockquote>Mr Haggins' shakes his head sadly "Put it back, Dave.... we both know you can't afford that." You put it back slowly, and not without a little shame.</blockquote>] } (unless: (history:) contains "inside corner shop")[[In the background you overhear the newsagent talking to Ronnie Pitkin, the paperboy.]<c1|] [[Leave the corner shop|corner shop]] (click: "overhear")[(replace: ?c1)[<blockquote>"Listen carefully ronnie, you are to take this letter to NO.3 Fenton Road. Dont stop to talk to anyone. It is vitally important. And whatever you do, dont open the letter, whatever you do!"</blockquote> [[Follow Ronnie Pitkin]]]] (click-append: "Ronnie Pitkin, the paperboy.")[(A young whipper-snapper, about 9 years old.)]

(set: $clothes to false)\ (set: $key to false) \(set: $passport to false) \(set: $shop to "open") \(set: $ronnie to "alive") \(set: $creditcard to false) \(set: $nunchucks to false) \(set: $giro to false) \(set: $suit to false) \(set: $bill to false) \(set:$jcenter to "open") \(set: $tie to false) \(set:$sandwich to false) \(set: $ticket to false) \(set: $bottle to false) \(set: $bcard to false) \(set: $status to 0) \(set: $bike to false) \(set: $cutters to false) \(set: $policeman to true) \(set: $body to false) \(set: $ref to false) \(set: $fingers to "suit") (click: "GAME OVER")[(go-to: "GAME OVER")]

"Hello Mr Haskins!!" You greet him. "Dave! My favourite customer!! How are you? I have been waiting for you to come in, I have a new fish pond at the back I wanted to show you!" [["I would love to see your fish pond, lead the way!"]] [["Maybe another time, Mr Haskins, I have a busy day ahead!"]]

Mr Haskins guides you through a door at the back of the shop, and into a seculed outside garden. You both walk over to a small hole dug into the earth at the back of the garden, half full with rain water with some frozen fish fingers floating in it. "I love to come out here on an evening and watch them swim about. It's so relaxing, when things get too much for me. Do thing's ever get too much for you, Dave?" "Er...sometimes....." "Things often get too much for me.. Sometimes I think I could go crazy!" You start to back away and Mr Haskins starts to take off his tie. "Come here Dave, you make it hard for me to touch you standing over there." You look around for an escape route, but there is none! Mr Haskins advances, his tie in his hand and a strange look in his eyes. "Oh, you will make a fine edition to my pond, my little fishy friend." The next thing you know, the tie is around your throat and you can't breathe.... GAME OVER

"Maybe another time..." You say. Mr Haskins takes your hand in his. "Is...everything OK, Dave? You know you can talk to me.... about anything......" [["Could you loan me a tenner?"]] [["Why do you have to touch me everytime I come into your shop, Mr Haskins?"]]

(set: $status to $status-1) SOCIAL STATUS-1 "I hate to ask....but I really need to borrow some money. Do you think you could spare a tenner?" You ask. Mr Haskins things about it. "Never a lender nor a borrower be... that's my motto...." He says. "I understan....." "But I guess, I could make an exception for you....If you would do something for me? It won't take long....I just would like it very much indeed if you were to give me a foot massage." [[Give him a foot massage]] [[Leave the shop and never come back]]

"Mr Haskins, I've been meaning to ask for a while now.... why do you touch me every time I come into the shop?" Ronnie Pitkin overhears and says, "Yes...I've been wanting to ask the same question!" Mr Haskins holds his head down in shame. "I need to go and attend to my fish...." He says, walking away. (set: $shop to "closed") [[CONTINUE|corner shop]]

(set: $status to $status-3) SOCIAL STATUS-3 You agree against your better judgement and Mr Haskins takes you by the hand into a small kitchen in the back. He sits down, taking off his shoes and socks, and you sit facing him, his bunion covered foot in your hands. He quietly moans, his eyes closed and his head back as you rub your fingers into his skin. 45 minutes later, you finish up and Mr Haskins thanks you. "That was great Dave, really great, but I don't think I'm going to lend you any money after all. I just don't trust you to pay it back!! Now if you excuse me, I intend to close the shop. I need some alone time! Toodle pip!" With that he sends you out the store. (set: $shop to "closed") [[CONTINUE|corner shop]]

You walk out the store quickly, not looking back. You decide to do your future shopping at Tescos. (set: $shop to "closed") [[CONTINUE|corner shop]]

(set: $ronnie to "dead") You follow Ronnie out into the street. From there he goes across a car park, through a little gate, down a little lane and into the local park. Suddenly, he notices you following him. His hands clutch his face in terror. Then he points and you screaming, "Stranger Danger! Stranger Danger!!" You can see the [[strange letter]] hanging out of his pocket. People are starting to run towards you both. Perhaps you should [[muffle him]]?

Your snatch the letter from Ronnie's pocket and run off towards a patch of trees. Behind you, you can hear Ronnie's sobs and an angry mob forming. +4 Bastard Rating (set: $bastard to $bastard+4) [[CONTINUE|patch of trees]]

(set: $status to $status-5) SOCIAL STATUS-5 +9 Bastard Rating (set: $bastard to $bastard+9) You clasp your hands around Ronnies mouth to try and stop him screaming. As he slowly starts to suffocate, a group of people jump on you. Some of them are screaming "PERVERT!" as they tackle you to the floor. Pinned down, you can hear the sound of police sirens in the distance. Looks like the game ends here, old friend. GAME OVER

You rip open the letter and read the contents. It is a credit card! The letter reads... <blockquote>Dear Mr Dmitry, Here is this weeks protection money. As usual, I have put the funds onto a top-up debit card for your convenience. The pin number is 1234. Memorize that and destory this note! Hope all is well in the Russian mafia. Yours, Mr Haggins.</blockquote> You memorize the pin number, put the credit card in your pocket and throw away the letter. You wonder whether it is safe to [[return to the park]] yet, or whether you should [[wait here a bit longer]]. (unless: $dogpoo is "taken")[You can see a dog poo.](click-replace: "You can see a dog poo.")[You pick it up and put it in your pocket. Social Status-2(set: $dogpoo to "taken")(set: $status to $status-1)] (set: $creditcard to true)

As soon as you show your face from under the cover of the trees, you are jumped on by an angry mob! They bite you and twist you and shake you, and push your face into the grass. "PERVERT!" You hear them shout at you, as you hear police cars approaching in the distance. Looks like this ride has ended for you, Davey Boy! GAME OVER

You crouch down in the bushes and wait until nightfall..... Only when you are sure it's safe do you wind your way home... [[CONTINUE|living room]]

(if: $nunchucks is false)[As you walk out into the alleyway you get jumped on by a gang of hoodies. They beat seven bells out of you while filming you with their mobile phones! You should have known better not to go down dark alleys without being tooled up! Looks like this game is over for you, bud. Better luck next time! GAME OVER] (else:)[ You are in the alleyway which runs round the back of your council house. A little swing gate here grants access to your [[garden]]. The alley continues in a [[northerly direction]].]

You are on the bustling high street. Traffic whizzes by, paying little attention to speed limits. Homeless men lie in the shop doorways, taking sips from brown paper bags. The [[tram station]] can be seen towards the west, you can also see your local [[pub]], and the [[high street]] continues East. An [[alleyway]] stretches south.

You are at the end of the high street. It doesn't get much prettier this end of the street! (unless: $charity is "closed")[There is a [[charity shop]] to the north] (if: $jcenter is "open")[The [[job centre]] is to the east.] The [[high street|northerly direction]] continues west. The [[fishmongers]] is to the south.

You are in the local charity shop. Bit and pieces of junk that no-one in their right mind would ever want to buy litter the shelves. (if: $shoes is "taken")["Dave!!" Mrs Busybody cries, "Where did you go??? I thought we had a date?? And did you take the bowler hat without paying for it?? I'm afraid you crossed the line this time, Dave... I have phoned the police!" You turn around on your heels, but the police are already pulling up outside. The games up!! GAME OVER](else:)[ (unless: $busybody is "gone")[Mrs Busybody is here, behind the counter.] The exit to the shop is to the [[south|high street]] (unless: $shoes is "taken")[(click: "shelves")[You find a pair of smart brown shoes!]] (click: "smart brown shoes")[(if: $busybody is "gone")[You pick them up and replace your dirty worn trainers with them.(set: $shoes to "taken")(set: $status to $status+3) SOCIAL STATUS+3](else:)["They cost much more than you can afford I'm afraid, Dave." Mrs Busybody says sadly, "I would lend you the money, but you still owe me a small fortune..."]] (click: "Mrs Busybody")[[["I still think about the time we spent together...|together]]" [["I had to go to therapy after sleeping with you"]]] ]

You are in the job center. Green boards are dotted around, all with hundereds of little white cards stuck upon them, advertising jobs. There is a queue of people here waiting to speak to a woman behind a desk. The exit leads out onto the [[high street]]. (click: "little white cards")[You are not qualified for any of the jobs Dave!] [[Sign on]]

You are in the fishmongers. The fishmonger leans over the counter at you. His breath stinks of fish. He smiles at you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. The [[high street]] is north. (click: "fishmonger")["Hello Dave! I haven't seen you since we last....well you know. Would you like to buy some fish? I have a lovely red herring on special!] (click: "red herring")[The fishmonger leans over the counter even further, until you can feel his fishy breath upon your cheek. <blockquote>"So.... you want to buy my fish do you little man......" He whispers into your ear, "Before I can sell you this fish, you must solve this riddle.... bring me an object. An object which has no color, but is always red. weighs nothing, but can not be lifted, and is never seen but is always in front of you.... Bring me this, and I will sell you my fish!"</blockquote> [[continue|fishmongers]]]

You are in the "Four Feathers", your local pub. [Here you can meet lots of interesting characters, who all use lots of colorful and wonderful words to express themselves!]<c1| The air is thick with cigarette smoke, looks like the smoking ban has not had much of an effect here. An [[old lady]] serves behind the bar. There is a door leading to the [[toilets]], and a door leading out onto the [[high street|northerly direction]]. (unless: $pint is "drunk")[[You can see a half a leftover pint]<c3|](unless: $prawn is "eaten")[[You can also see half-eaten packet of prawn crackers]<c2|] (click-replace: ?c1)[The local salesman, [[Fingers Flannagan]] is here!] (click: "leftover pint")[(replace: ?c3)[You gulp down the remainder of the pint. It tastes like lipstick.SOCIAL STATUS -1 +3 drunkeness(set: $drunk to $drunk+3)] (set: $status to $status-1)(set: $pint to "drunk")] (click: "prawn crackers")[(replace: ?c2)[You scoff down the prawn crackers and feel a bit like royalty!SOCIAL STATUS +2 (set: $status to $status+2)](set: $prawn to "eaten")]

You are at the hustling and bustling tram station. There is a tram here, ready to go to the city centre. A ticket machine is on the platfrom. (click: "ticket machine")[(if: $creditcard is false)[You need a Credit Card to use this machine, Dave!](else:)[You use your credit card to buy a ticket. (set: $ticket to true)]] A burly [[ticket inspector]] is checking people's tickets as they board the tram. The [[high street|northerly direction]] is to the east. [There is a rubbish bin here, with a little sign reading "Keep Britain's Streets Tidy"]<c1| (click-replace: ?c1)[(if: $sandwich is false)[Lucky you! You find a half-eaten sandwich!](else:)[Just the usual rubbish, much like this game!]](click: "sandwich")[You pick it up.(set: $status to $status-1) SOCIAL STATUS-1(set: $sandwich to true)] (click: "tram")[(if: $ticket is false)[The ticket inspector stops you in your tracks. "Don't think for A MOMENT that you can BOARD MY TRAM without a valid ticket you little COCKROACH!"](else:)[You show your ticket to the ticket inspector. [[board tram]]]]

You are in the toilets of the feathers. The putrid smell of waste rises quickly into your nostrils, attacks your eyes making it to hard to both breathe and see.You can make out a row of urinals and a cracked mirror. (if: $suit is "taken")[(unless: $suit is "worn")[Get changed into suit](click-replace: "Get changed into suit")[You take off the old tracksuit, and throw it away. You then get dressed into the tweed suit and take a look in the mirror. Wow! What a difference it makes! You almost look human!(set: $suit to "worn") (set: $status to $status+5) SOCIAL STATUS+5]] (click: "urinals")[Pissssssssssssssssssssssssss...] [[Leave the toilets|pub]]

"Dave!" She greets you, "I haven't seen you since we last...er.....you know.....!" "Hi Mrs Rabbit." You say sheepisly. "What would you like, my boy?" Pint of lager Glass of white wine [[GO BACK|pub]] (click: "Pint of lager")[(if: $creditcard is false)[You need some money to pay with! Or a credit card!](else:)[You toss the lager down your throat! Yes, it feels good!+3 drunkeness(set: $drunk to $drunk+3)]] (click: "Glass of white wine")[(if: $creditcard is false)[You need some money to pay with! Or a credit card!](else:)[You toss the glass of white wine down your neck. +5 drunkeness(set: $drunk to $drunk+5)]]

(if: $fingers is "suit")["Hello Dave! I've got a lovely tweed suit for sale today, tenner it's yours!" He says, tapping his nose. (click: "tweed suit")[(if: $giro is false)["It doesn't look like your carrying any cash, Dave! I only deal in cash, you know spud! [[continue|pub]]](else:)["Here you go Dave, the suits all yours! Why don't you go into the toilets and try it on?"(set: $suit to "taken")(set: $fingers to "snake") [[continue|pub]]]]] (if: $fingers is "snake")["Hello Dave! I've got a lovely green python for sale today, tenner it's yours!" He says, tapping his nose, "Fresh from the zoo." [[continue|pub]]] (click: "python")[(set: $snake to "taken")(set: $fingers to "empty")Here you go Dave, the snakes all yours! You roll the hissing snake into a ball and stuff him into your pocket.] (if: $fingers is "empty")[Nothing for sale today, Dave...come back tomorrow! [[continue|pub]]]

(if: $bill is false)[You need a utility bill to sign on! [[continue|job centre]] ](else:)[You join the queue, and a few hours later and after filling out some forms, the woman hands over your dole. £50! Spend it wisely, Dave! (set: $status to $status+5) SOCIAL STATUS+5 The job centre is about to close, so you are escorted of the premises.(set: $giro to true)(set:$jcenter to "closed") [[CONTINUE|high street]] ]

"Lets get one thing clear right now. I only slept with you because I had drank 2 litres of red wine. And I had to drink twice that amount the morning after just to try and block out the flashbacks!" You say. "GET OUT OF MY SHOP!!!" She shreiks, pushing you out the door. Well, what did you expect? +3 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard+3) [[CONTINUE|high street]] (set: $charity to "closed")

You lean across the counter and start to flirt with Mrs Busybody. "Remember how good it was.... the last time.....?" You say. She blushes. "You never called me back." "I'll make up for it tonight. Why don't you close the shop early and we can go to the city centre together?" She hesitates. "Ok then, you watch the store for me and I'll go and get my things from the staff room!" (set: $busybody to "gone") [[CONTINUE|charity shop]]

You give him a kick in the nuts, an he drops you, his hands rushing to his crotch as he doubles over in pain. Out of breath, he says "Thanks for that, I don't know what came over me.....but I feel all right now..." [[CONTINUE|tram station]]

"I only want to be your friend!!" You say, choking and gasping for breath. "DON'T YOU DARE SPEAK ABOUT MY SISTER LIKE THAT!!!" He screams, giving full vent to his fury, and throwing you like a rag doll into the path of an incoming tram. "Squelch!" Is the sound your body makes as your limbs are ripped from their sockets. GAME OVER

You step on board the tram, the doors close and the tram starts to move, making it's way towards the city centre.. You can smell all sorts of horrible smells, sick, urine, feet and cheese. You can see some annoying [[young hooligans]] playing loud "music" which nobody else wants to hear from a set of portable speakers. There is an [[empty seat]] close by.

"Hello!" You say cheerfully. "WHO U CALLING A PSYCHO??" The ticket Inspector screams in your face, grabbing you by the neck and lifting you off your feet. [[Kick him in the balls quick!]] [["I only want to be friends!!"]]

You walk up to them and try to start a conversation. [["I say, lads.. be good sports and turn that music down, what?"]] [["You all seem like cool guys, can I join your gang?"]] [[Rip the speakers from their hands and smash them 'neath your feet!|speakers]]

You decide to take the weight off, and sit down on the empty seat. There is an upper-class twit sat next to you. (click: "upper-class twit")[(if: $suit is false)[You attempt to start a conversation but the upper class twit looks at you with disgust. "I refuse to engage anyone in converstation whom would wear a tracksuit!" He says. You pass the time humming quiety to yourself, until the tram eventually comes to a halt in Manchester City Centre. [[GET OFF TRAM]]](else:)["Nice to meet you sir! Scott Macarthur is the name!" the upper class twit introduces himself, "I don't usually travel by tram you know, but the Jag is in the shop. You know how it is what-ho!"] (if: $sandwich is true)[Scott sees you carrying the half-eaten sandwich. "I say..... I've got the most damned hunger... would you mind terribly if I finished your sandwich?" [[Give the upper class twit your sandwich]] [[Refuse in the strongest possible terms]]](else:)[ The twit babbles on for what seems like forever, until eventually the tram grinds to a halt. "Manchester Picadilly" The annoucer relays over the speaker system. [[GET OFF TRAM]]]]

"I say guys! Let's all be cool and turn the music down, yay?" You say. The hoodies stop laughing amongst themselves and turn and look at you. "Nice clothes and beard, wanker!" One of them says. You start to regret speaking to them, as they advance... and for the next few minutes it's all punches and kicks and coughing-up-blood and hands-trying-in-vain-to-protect-your-nads. This goes on for about 10 minutes, untill a little girl cries, "He's had enough, for the love of God, he's had enough!!!" But it's too late. Your toothless body is like that of a squatted mosquito in it's death throes. (set: $status to $status-3) SOCIAL STATUS-3 GAME OVER DAVE!

"Good afternoon, Gentlemen!!" You say, apprpoaching the gang of hoodies, "You seem like a group of individuals that are really going places!! May I be so bold as to ask to join your crew of merry-men? I bring with me nothing but enthusiasm, a strong pair of fists and a well timed wisecrack to lighten our moral!" You don't feel much pain, because the sudden head-butt has you laid out-cold before you really knew what had happened. Really Dave, how can you expect to climb the social ladder hanging around with riff-raff such as they? (set: $status to $status-7) SOCIAL STATUS-7 GAME OVER

"I've just had it up to here with TWATS LIKE YOU!!" You scream, ripping the speakers from the hands of the hooligans, throwing them to the floor and stamping on them with all your might. For a few minutes nobody says anything. The leader of the yobs, him with the grey hoodie and tattoo of a tear on his cheek.. (honestly, who in their right mind....), strolls up to you, chest pushed out as far as it will go. "Wassup mate? You wantin' to be startin' trouble, yeah? Lets avvit den, nob'ead. For real, like.. u gettme?" You put you fists up. "Queensbury rules?" You ask. But it is too late, the young thug has already pulled a switchblade from his pocket and has stabbed you in ten different places as the other thugs film it, and put the live footage of you crying and begging for a quick death onto YouTube. SORRY DAVE, SOME GAMES YOU JUST CAN'T WIN GAME OVER

"Have it!" You say, passing him the sandwich which he scoffs down in an instant. "Thank you ever so much kind sir...." He says, wiping the crumbs from his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt, "Here... please take my business card as a sign of my gratitute...." He hands you his business card. (set: $status to $status+5) SOCIAL STATUS+5 "I used to be a somebody...." He says whistfully, starting out into space. You feel the tram come to a halt. "Last stop...Manchester Picadilly.."The annoucer relays over the speaker system. (set: $bcard to true) [[GET OFF TRAM]]

"NO!" You shout at him, standing up and walking away, leaving him with his head in his hands, all of his pride vanished to the wind. The tram grinds to a halt. "Manchester Picadilly" The annoucer relays over the speaker system. +2 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard+2) [[GET OFF TRAM]]

You are dead centre in the hustle and bustle of Manchester Picadilly. In front of you there is a [[Fast Food Restaurant]]. [[Market Street]] runs to the north east, and towards the northwest can be seen an expensive [[Jewellery Shop]]. (unless: $policeman is "gone")[There is a [[policeman]] here.] (unless: $bike is "taken")[You can see a bike chained to a railing.] (click: "bike")[(if: $cutters is true)[The bolt cutters make light work of the chain. The bike is yours!!!(set: $bike to "taken")(if: $policeman is true)[However, the policeman who is standing in plain view takes a dim view of your attempted bike theft, and collars you! It's Strangeways for you, Dave!! GAME OVER!]](else:)[You need something to cut the chain with, Dave!]]

This is Market Street, a pedestrianised row of high street shops on either side. A gigantic [[Department Store]] looms over you, casting a giant shadow. To the north is the bright lights of [[Deansgate]]. The traffic can be heard from [[Manchester Picadilly|GET OFF TRAM]], which is close by.

You are outside a well known fast food restaurant. (unless: $begger is "gone")[There is a begger here, who looks up at you with hope and expectation. "Spare any change, guv?" He asks.] (click: "begger")[Fallen on hard times, the begger is sat outside the entrance to the fast food restaurant. He is dressed in rags, and is collecting change in a little styrofome cup. (unless: $tie is "taken")[Despite his poverty, he is wearing a smart dark purple tie. His only remaining source of pride. [Chat to Begger]<c1|]] (click: "smart dark purple tie")[(unless: $cigs is "taken")[ "What on earth are you doing?" The beggar asks, "Stop trying to take my tie! It is my only source of pride!"](else:)[ "I will swap you this tie for that packet of cigarettes you are carrying....." The beggar says. It sounds like a good deal to you, so you make the exchange. The Beggar walks off, chain smoking. (set: $begger to "gone")(set: $tie to "taken")(set: $status to $status+3) SOCIAL STATUS+3]] (click: ?c1)["Hello guv'nor!" The begger greets you, "Luke Tennant's the name! Beggings my game! Have you any change?" [Kick him]<c2|] (click: ?c2)["Ouch!!!" +2 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard+2)(set: $status to $status-2) SOCIAL STATUS-2] (unless: $fastfood is "closed")[[[Enter Restaurant|Inside Fast Food Restaurant]]] [[Go back to Manchester Picadilly|GET OFF TRAM]]

You are in a very expensive Jewellery shop. Gold and silver blink at you from behind reinforced glass. An old ex-girlfriend took you into a shop like this once on her birthday! You ended that relationship there and then! (unless: $policeman is "gone")[[[Leave shop|GET OFF TRAM]]] (if: $policeman is "gone")[The policeman is here!! "THAT'S THE BASTARD!!!" The shop assistant shrieks, pointing in your direction, "That's the man who tried to rob me!!" The policeman grabs you by the legs, rugby tackling you to the floor. He holds your arms behind your back, and slaps the cuffs on you. GAME OVER!] (unless: $policeman is "gone")[(click: "reinforced glass")[Many expensive and lovely things lie behind that glass..... (if: $brick is "taken")[ [[Break glass with brick]] ] ] ]

You are inside the well known fast food establishment. There is a children's birthday party in progress. As far as you can see, children are eating chips. (unless: $burger is "eaten")[There is a half-eaten, left over burger here.] You an see an [[entertainer]] here, making baloon animals. She's as pretty as a picture! (unless: $boy is "gone")[[A young boy is sat on his own, playing with a hamster.]<c1|] [[Leave Restaurant|Fast Food Restaurant]] (click: "burger")[You eat the cold, and slightly damp, hamburger. -1 Social Status(set: $status to $status-1)(set: $burger to "eaten")] (click: "A young boy")[You stroke the hampster while looking at the little boy smiling back at you. You find the experience strangely erotic. "Nice hamster lad!" You say, "What's his name?" "Jimmy!" Comes the reply.] (click: "hamster")[You snatch the hamster from the boys grasp, and throw it in your mouth. Delicious! The boys screams in horror and runs away. +8 Bastard Rating (set: $bastard to $bastard+8)(set: $boy to "gone")(replace: ?c1)[]]

You are on Deansgate, a stretch of road full of bars, clubs and restaurants. From here [[a few steps lead down|Dobsons]] towards a small nightclub. Far off in the north west is Spinningfields,where you can make out a bunch of skyscrapers reaching high into the sky. (click: "Spinningfields")[(unless: $bike is "taken")[Spinningfields is too long a walk! You will need some transport to get there, you fat lazy git!](else:)[(go-to: "Spinningfields")] ] [[Market Street]] lies to the south. You can see a group of pigeons, feeding on something on the floor. (click: "pigeons")[They are nibbling on breadcrumbs] (unless: $breadcrumbs is "taken")[(click: "breadcrumbs")[You pick up the breadcrumbs.(set: $breadcrumbs to "taken")]]

You are in a busy department store. People are shoving, and pushing and falling over, children and screaming and crying and creating noise, pushchairs and shopping trolley's are bumping and grinding and getting in your way. It is mayhem! There is a [[lift]] here. [[Leave the department store|Market Street]]

You are outside a fashionable and exclusive gentleman's club. A flashing neon sign hangs above the door reading "DOBSONS". A queue of fashionable and exclusive people are waiting to be let in by a mean looking bouncer who seems to have a chip on his shoulder. [[A short flight of steps|Deansgate]] leads back up onto the street. (click: "bouncer")[He is holding a clipboard.] (click: "queue")[You join the queue. After 15 minutes you finally get to the front. "Name please." The bouncer demands. [[Dave Crowe]] [[Scott Macarthur]] [[Armitage Shanks|Dave Crowe]] ]

You are standing in the main square of Spinningfields. All around you are huge skyscrapers, containing hundreds of offices full of little office-workers tap-tap-tapping away on their computers, loving the 9-5 rat-race. The tallest and most imtimidating skyscaper of them all is the one closet to you, emblazed with the words [["Dobson and Fallows Merchant Bank"|Bank]] above the door. Back whence you came, is the sights sounds and smells of [[Deansgate]] and the city centre. You can also see a [[Taxi Rank]] further on up the street.

You are standing by the side of a road, a sign here displays the legend "Taxi Rank". You are surrounded by high rise buildings, and as you watch all the people, hurrying about, places to go, you are reminded of a poem "The Waste Land" by T.S Eliot. You can see a [[taxicab]] [[Back to Spinningfields|Spinningfields]]

You are in the entrance lobby to the world famous Dobson and Fallows merchant bank. There is a ornate water fountain in the centre, and relaxing classical music plays over the speakers. Close to reception there is a locked glass panelled door, and behind you there is a set of revolving doors which leads [[back out onto the street|Spinningfields]]. There is a receptionist here, shuffling some papers. (click: "receptionist")["Do you have an appointment, sir?" She drones, not looking up from her desk.] (if: $ref is "taken")[ [[Show letter of Reference]] ] (if: $job is "taken")[(replace: "locked glass panelled door")[ [[glass panelled door|Corridor]]]]

You are in a long corridor. Works of art line the walls. The carpet is very deep. You have been in a lot of corridors in your time on earth, most of them austere and inhospitable, but this corridor beats the lot! The Corridor continues [[northwards|End of Corridor]], and south leads back to [[reception|Bank]]. (click: "Works of art")[The "art" is very confusing to you! It seems to be just random splatters of different colors of paint. A monkey could draw these! That being said, you like the look of them, and doubt you could do better. You think about [[taking it.]]]

You are the end of the corridor. There are 3 doors here, [[A gold plated door|Tom's Office]] (if: $boardroom is "open")[ [[A silver plated door|Boardroom]]](else:)[A silver plated door (locked)] [[A door made out of plastic/vinyl|Crappy Office]], (the material used to make cheap garage doors) The corridor continues [[southwards|Corridor]].

You are in your new office. Compared to the office of Mr Fallows, this is quite bare. Grey painted walls and a functional desk from IKEA. (unless: $filing is "open")[You can see a filing cabinet ](else:)[You can see a memo ](unless: $brandy is "drunk")[and a bottle of brandy.] (click: "filing cabinet")[(unless: $screwdriver is "taken")[The filing cabinet is locked! It is a cheap make though (like everything else in this office), and looks like it could be jimmied open with the right tool...](else:)[You force open the filing cabinet using the screwdriver...all it contains is a single [[memo]].(set: $filing to "open")]] (click: "bottle of brandy")[Drink it? All of it? Ok, It's your game... you twist of the cap and pour the whole lot of it down your neck! Aaarrr.... nectar!(set: $brandy to "drunk") +25 drunkeness(set: $drunk to $drunk+25)] (if: $memo is "read")[The receptionist pops her head round the door. "The board meeting is about to begin Sir..." She says.(set: $boardroom to "open")(set: $memo to "finished")] [[Leave office|End of Corridor]]

(unless: $tom is "office")[ You are in the office of Mr Tom Fallows, merchant banker extraordinare. Wood pannelled walls, solid oak 16th century desk, expensive drapings from Venice and polar-bear hide rugs decorate the room.A priceless ming vase is stored in a glass cabinet here. Behind the desk is a life size oil painting of Tom Fallows himself, dressed as a gladiator, looking ferocious and standing over the littered dead bodies of 3 huge lions. There is a [[small door|Toilet]] here. (click: "ming vase")[You smash the ming vase to smithereens!! +5 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard+5)] (click: "painting")[The painting swings open revealing a [[wall safe!]]] (click: "desk")[Lying on the desk is Sir Fallow's passport] (click: "passport")[His birthday is 12 June 1987] [[Leave Office|End of Corridor]] ](else:)["Get out of my office!" Tom demands. You slink back into the corridor bowing, saying "yessir yessir yessir" [[continue|End of Corridor]]]

You are in the boardroom. A large rectangle table dominates the room, with seats all around it. You can see some boardmembers.(click: "boardmembers")[You look at them, and they look back at you in unison. Probably thinking "What in blazes is he doing here?"] (if: $cash is "taken")[ Sir Tom Fallows appears in front of you! He sees the bag of cash in your hand! His eyes are red with rage. He somehow seems taller... He seems to be growing in front of your very eyes!!! "YOU DARE STEAL FROM ME??" He screams, his voice shaking the very foundations of the building. He rips open the front of his shirt, his chest bearing a tatoo of the devil feasting on the bones of babies, and he grabs your neck with both hands.With one swift movement he snaps your neck, and throws your lifeless body at his own feet, laughing as he does so. But he is not done with you yet! Not by a long chalk! "NOW I WILL EAT YOUR INSIDES!" He shouts, pulling a knife and fork out of his pocket and kneeling over your remains. I think that's pretty much GAME OVER! ](else:)[ (unless: (history:) contains "Boardroom")[ Tom Fallows proudly strides in and takes a seat at the end of the table. (set: $tom to "boardroom") Also here, are 6 other men, all wearing dark grey suits and looking very very serious. "Ah, glad you could join us Mr Macarthur!" Tom says, "Please... take a seat." You take a seat. The board meeting goes on and on and on for what seems like days. You are about to fall asleep, when Tom stands up and slams his hand down hard on the table. "OK...We must take a vote.... You have all read the memo I hope.... what's it to be? Just remember, this is VERY important! It's my arse on the line and I don't want a cock-up!" [[Vote Total destruction of the orphange]] [[Vote Increase Offer to buy out]] [[Decline to vote]] ] ]

This is Tom's toilet, where he does most of his scheming. It smells of Lavender in here. (unless: $snake is "trussed")[You can see Tim the Dwarf.(click: "Tim the Dwarf")[ He is standing by the toilet, carrying a roll of toilet roll. [["Hello!"]] [["Goodbye!"]]]](if: $snake is "trussed")[You can see a trussed-up dwarf.](click: "trussed-up dwarf")[ Trussed up good and proper, with a roll of toilet paper stuffed in his mouth to gag him.] (if: $snake is "taken")[Tie Tim up with the snake](click-replace: "Tie Tim up with the snake")["What are you doing! Stop this at once! I can't move!" Tim says, as you quickly tie him up with the hissing snake. +5 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard+5)(set: $snake to "trussed")(replace: "Tim the Dwarf")[a trussed-up dwarf]] (unless: $tduck is "drunk")[[You can also see a bottle of toilet duck.]<c1| (click: "bottle of toilet duck")[(replace: ?c1)[You open the little cap and pour the whole lot down your throat. Aaaahhh, thats the ticket! +15 drunkeness(set: $drunk to $drunk+15)]](set: $tduck to "drunk")] [[Leave toilet|Tom's Office]]

You are in a very upmarket and select gentleman's club. This, mind is not the sort of gentleman's club with girls taking their clothes off up on a stage, but the old school type of genteman's club with old men with moustaches sitting around playing chess and reading "The Times". In fact, women are not even permitted in here! There is no music playing, and the only thing that can be heard is the tick, tick - ticking of an old grandfather clock against one of the walls. Somebody coughs, and all the gentlemen turn around in unison and say "shhhhhhhhh!". (unless: $table is "occupied")[Against one of the walls is an unoccupied [[table and chair]].] There is an [[exit|Dobsons]] through some drapes behind you.

You are in the toy's and games department. There are [[shelves and shelves of toys]] stacked up as high as the hand can reach, children run around cheering and laughing, their bewildered and parents in tow.... the noise and confusion is overwelming! There is a [[lift]] here.

You are in the home furnishing department. You know, lamp shades, bed side tables, fancy chairs - that sort of thing. By the entrance to the [[lift]] is a small pool of water. (unless: $sign is "hid")[[Next to the water is a yellow sign which says "CAUTION - SLIPPERY SURFACE".]<c1|] There is a comfy chair here on special offer. (unless: $sheet is "taken")[You can see a white bed sheet.](click-replace: "You can see a white bed sheet.")[Taken. (set: $sheet to "taken")] (click: "yellow sign")[(set: $sign to "hid")(replace: ?c1)[You take the yellow sign and hide it behind the comfy chair.]] (click-replace: ?c2)[Taken.(set: $cigs to "taken")] (click: "comfy chair")[You sit down on the comfy chair. It faces the lift, and for a while you sit and watch people coming and going. (if: $sign is "hid")[(unless: $cigs is "taken")[ The lift doors open, and an old gentleman with a walking stick comes walking out. He doesn't see the patch of water, and slips on it, collapsing in a heap on the floor. +6 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard+6) [A pack of cigarettes fall out of his pockets!]<c2| ] ]]

You are on the second floor of the store - the sports and recreation department. Lots of very atheletic people are here! There is a [[lift]] behind you. There is a pretty little assistant here, pricing up tennis rackets. (click: "assistant")[You slide up to her, and in the most charming/creepy voice you can muster, ask.. [["Would you like to go out for a drink with me?"]] [["I demand to see the manager!"]] [["I would like to buy one of your tennis rackets!"]]]

"Excuse me...." [["...could you please point me in the direction of the shopping centre?"|perv]] [["...where does one go to see strippers round here?"|perv]] [["...I really like your helmet"|perv]]

As you begin to talk to the policeman, he stops you by putting his finger to your lips. "Shhhhhh..." He says. He then takes your hand and stokes your bald head. "You, er.... want to come back to my place..." He says, looking around to see if anyone is listening. [["No thank you!"]] [["Why are we stood here talking? Let's go!"]]

"No thank you!" You say, politely but forcefully. "Each to their own!" The policeman says, shrugging his shoulders - visibily disapointed. [[CONTINUE|GET OFF TRAM]]

The policeman smiles a beaming smile. "Great!" He says, "My cars parked over there! Lets go!" He takes your hand and together you run over to his parked policecar. You get in and he drives you a few miles out of the centre of town, to a little bungalow in Eccles. He parks up, and together you walk up the drive towards the house. There are butterflies in your stomach, as he takes the keys from his pocket and unlocks the door, gesturing for you to go inside first. As you enter the bungalow, he doesn't follow, but locks the door behind you. You hear him start the car and drive off! You walk into the front room, and there, to your amazement, are 15 or 20 men, all sat around looking miserable... all of them look just like you, bald with beards and wearing glasses.. Some of the men are very old indeed, who have obviously been here a very long time. "You fell for it too did you?" One of them asks, looking up at you and shaking his head. GAME OVER

You await the arrival of the elevator and clamber in. There is a sign here which specifies the different floors of the store. [[Ground Floor|Department Store]] [[1st Floor (Toys & Games)|Toys Department]] [[2nd Floor (Sports)|Sports Department]] [[3rd Floor (Home Furnishings)|Home Furnishings]]

"Hello!" You say. "Hello there! I'm Tim. Would you like to use the toilet?" He asks, gesturing to the roll of toilet roll in his hands. "No thank you!" He waves a torn-off piece of tissue in your face. "How about just a quick wipe?" "No thank you!!" "Ok, well another time then." [[Continue|Toilet]]

"Goodbye!" You say. "Cheerio!" Says Tim. [[Continue|Toilet]]

You are in a very elegantly furnished office. There is a grand antique desk here, which takes up most of the room. Edwardian, you hazard a guess (but you don't really have a clue). (click: "desk")[(if: $cutters is false)[You find some bolt cutters! (click: "bolt cutters")[You pick them up (set: $cutters to true)]]] [[Leave office|Sports Department]] (if: $body is false)[ [[Sit down and Wait for the manager]] ](else:)[You can see a dead body. ](click: "dead body")[You touch the cold damp flesh and it's gives you a strange thrill.(set: $status to $status-7) SOCIAL STATUS-7]

"Would you like to go out for a drink with me?" You ask. She stops what shes doing and looks you over carefully. "What's your job?" She asks. "I'm, errrr... in between jobs at the moment..." She isn't impressed in the slightest. "Get the hell away from me. And If you dare to talk to me again, I've got a shit load of pepper spray in my pocket... and i'm not afraid to use it!" (set: $status to $status-1) SOCIAL STATUS-1 [[Continue|Sports Department]]

"I demand to see the manager! This instant!" You demand. The young shop assistant appears quite shaken at your rudeness. "I'm sorry, sir but the manager is in a meeting at the moment... if you would like to follow me, you can wait in his office.. He won't be long." [[Continue|manager office]]

"I would very much like to buy one of your tennis rackets.." You say to the cute girl. "Certainly sir, which one would you like?" You have zero interest in Tennis, so you pick the nice blue one. "Good choice sir... I will just go and bag that up for you." She comes back with the tennis racket in a bag. "That's 39.99 for the tennis racket and a penny for the bag, sir. So £40." You pay with your credit card. "Enjoy your racket!" She says. (set: $status to $status+2) SOCIAL STATUS+2 [[Continue|Sports Department]]

After a ten minute wait, a large fat man eating a doughnut walks in. "Whadda you want..." He says, stuffing his doughnut into his big fat mouth, bits of sugar all around his unshaven face and down his shirt, "Well...? Spit it out boy! I've not got all day!!!" [["I don't want anything, I just wanted to see what your office looked like, you big fat bastard!"]] [["Why haven't you been returning my calls?"]] [[Attack him! Go for the throat!]]

"I don't want anything, I just wanted to see what your office looked like, you big fat bastard!" You say. The fat guy stops chewing, and runs over to his desk, activating a panic alarm. He cowers away from you on the floor, shaking. "Please don't hurt me!!" He splutters, "Take whatever you want.... here, have my doughnut!" Before you can reply, some heavilly armed store detectives accost you, and force you outside via the fire exit. "AND DON'T COME BACK!" They shout. +1 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard+1) [[continue|Deansgate]]

"Why haven't you been returning my calls?" You ask. "Do I know you??" The manager asks, finishing his doughnut, and taking another one from his pocket. You can't think of an answer to this question quick enough, so you decide to say nothing. He sudden realises something and points at you. "YOU! You're the one who's been sending me those photos!! I can tell my the bald head and the beard! Ringing me in the middle of the night, breathing down the phone! Your sick!!!" "No, you've made a mistake...." "NO!" The manager is getting angrier and angrier...."It is you! I've been waiting to meet you for a long time, sonnny!" You make a dart for the door, but the managers huge grotesque body is immovable in front of it. He grabs you, twisting your arm behind your back. With the other arm reaching out for a conveniently placed pot plant he says "Your coming with me, I have a cage all prepared for you!!" and with that he smashes the pot plant down on your skull. [[continue|cage]]

You jump at him, going for his throat with your hairy hands!! He jumps back in panic, his back hitting his office door. You watch his eyes go red and he starts to splutter. "Whats wrong?" You ask, "I've not touched you yet!" He coughs and splutters, pointing to his mouth. A piece of doughnut is lodged in his throat! He can't breathe! He drops to his knees, coughing and spluttering. You think about phoning an ambulance but a voice in your head is asking the question...are you culpable for this? As you fight with your conscience, the fat man breathes his last, and lies there, red faced and dead, the whites of his eyes starting up at the ceiling. +4 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard+4) (set: $body to true) [[continue|manager office]]

You are in a cage. It is too dark to see in here, but you can tell you are in a cage by feeling the bars. It stinks of damp and mould, and you can hear a dripping sound coming from a leaky pipe somewhere. You guess you are in a basement, or some underground room. (set: $status to $status-10) SOCIAL STATUS-10 [[SCREAM FOR HELP]]

You scream and scream at the top of your voice, but nobody comes. The only sound is the drip,drip drip of the leaking pipe. You scream again and your throat begins to get hoarser and hoarser, until you can barely speak... still nobody comes. Looks like you're here for the long-haul, Dave-boy! (if: $tie is true)[[[Hang yourself with your tie]](else:)[Your throat begins to get hoarser and hoarser, until you can barely speak... [[SCREAM AGAIN|SCREAM FOR HELP]]]]

"What luck I was carrying this tie!" You think to yourself as you ttie one end round the bars of the cage, and tighten the other end around your throat. You slowly start to suffocate and turn a strange color, your eyeballs bulging out of their sockets. When the fat man eventually returns a couple of hours later ( with the intention of letting you go and explaining that you have served your punishment) he finds your already-rotting corpse hanging from the bars of the cage. GAME OVER

"Your names not on the list sir. You can't come in." [[continue|Deansgate]]

"Yes, your names on the list. Do you have anything with your name on it? Your name being Scott Macarthur of course?" (if: $bcard is true)[ [[Show business card]] ] [Say no]<c2| (click: ?c2)[ "Well in that case.... bugger off!" [[continue|Deansgate]] ]

(if: $suit is "worn")[ (if: $shoes is "taken")[ (if: $tie is "taken")[ (set: $smart to true)]]] You hand over the business card which the upper class twit gave you on the tram. The bouncer turns it over in his hand. "Scott Macarthur...that's you all right!" He looks you over. (if:$smart is true)["Ok, I guess you can go in....Don't cause any trouble." (set: $status to $status+4) SOCIAL STATUS+4 [[continue|Inside Dobsons]]](else:)[ "But don't think for a moment that I'm going to let you in looking like that! Go and smarten yourself up!" [[continue|Deansgate]]]

You take a seat at one of the tables and the waiter ambles up to you. "Will Sir be requiring a drink this evening?" The waiter asks you, handing you a menu. [Champagne my good man!]<c1| [A gin and tonic, as quick as you like!]<c1| [Vodka Martini, shaken - not stirred.]<c1| (click: ?c1)["Very good sir.." The waiter slides away, and in a few minutes your drink is placed in front of you. You toss it back like a 'good un. (set: $status to $status+2) SOCIAL STATUS+2 +6 drunkeness(set: $drunk to $drunk+6) [[continue|mike]]]

You are just beginning to enjoy the ambience and peace and quiet, when a man wearing exactly the same tie as yourself, pulls up a chair next to you. "Good evening, my good man!" He says, "I couldn't help but notice your tie!! So your an Oxford man are you? Class of '85 I'll hazard a guess? I'm class of '76 myself! Dobson's the name, old boy! Mike Dobson! I own this establishment!" He holds out his hand, and you shake it. His grip is like a vice. He puts his mouth close to your ear.. "Listen hear, old boy...I also own a merchant bank in Spinningfields..... a job's just come up there. Ideal oppurtunity for an old Oxford man like yourself. Nothing taxing old boy, good bonus structure...would you be interested?" [[Take the merchant banker job]] [["No thank you, old boy"]]

You say you would be happy to take the job, and he hurries off and comes back bringing a letter of reference. "Take this to 'Dobson's and Fallow's' in Spinningfields. Ask to speak to Tom Fallows and hand it to him. He'll get you started, old boy! Sorry can't chat much longer, must dash! Ciao!!" He places the letter of reference on the table in front of you and strides off. (click: "letter of reference")[(set: $ref to "taken")You pick up the letter.] +10 Social Status (set: $table to "occupied") [[continue|Inside Dobsons]]

"No thank you, old boy!" You say. Dobson looks suprised at your decision, but says not a word more about it. "Well, enjoy your evening anyway... " He says, "We'll catch up soon old boy, say-.what? Toodle-pip!" With that he wanders off... (set: $table to "occupied") {command:CONTINUE}

(unless: $outside is "done")[You are stood outside [[Manchester Airport]]. Automated glass pannelled doors show the way [[inside]]. It is starting to rain.(set: $vicar to "inside")](else:)[ You are stood outside Manchester Airport. Suddenly, and without warning, 6 or 7 police cars screech up to the curve, and policemen jump out waving their batons in your direction. They are joined by Sir Tom Fallows, who, after getting out of one of the cars starts pointing at you and screams, "That's him!! That's the bastard that robbed me!!!" Before you can say "It weren't me, Guv", you are aggressively bundled to the hard stone ground, and before you know it, your in the back of a police van going on an all-inclusive holiday to Strangeways. GAME OVER]

Manchester Airport (IATA- MAN, ICAO: EGCC) is an international airport in Ringway, Manchester, England, 7.5 nautical miles (13.9 km; 8.6 mi) south west of Manchester city centre.[2][4] In 2015, it was the third busiest airport in the United Kingdom in terms of passenger numbers.[3][5] The airport comprises three terminals, a goods terminal and is the only British airport other than London's Heathrow Airport to operate two runways over 3,280 yd (2,999 m) in length. Manchester Airport has flights to around 225 destinations,[6] and the airport covers an area of 560 hectares (1,400 acres). (source - Wikapedia) [[continue|Airport]]

(set: $outside to "done")You are in the departures. [[Check-In]] is staight ahead in front of you, opposite the entrance. There are some [[public toilets]] to your right hand side. Some automatic doors lead [[outside|Airport]]. (if: $vicar is "inside")[A vicar walks past you and enters the toilets.(set: $vicar to "toilets")]

You are by Check-In. There is woman here, wearing far too much make up and smiling the most false smile you would ever hope to see. The airport continues [[southwards|inside]]. (unless: $passport is "true")[The woman asks to see your passport. But you left it at home!! Bugger!](else:)[ (click: "woman")["Where is it you would like to go, Sir?" [[Hawaii|booked]] [[Seyshelles|booked]] [[Mexico|booked]] [[Benidorm]] ]]

You are in the toilets. The urinals here smell much more fresh than the urinals in your local pub, The Feathers. Not so fresh as you would want to spend too much time here however. A single toilet cubicle is here. (if: $vicar is "toilets")[A vicar enters the toilet cubicle, locking the door behind him(set: $vicar to "cubicle")] (if: $vicar is "late")[There is a long queue of people here.] [[Leave Toilets|inside]] (click: "single toilet cubicle")[(if: $vicar is "cubicle")[ [[Enter cubicle]] [[Knock on door]] [[Shoulder Barge]]](else:)[(go-to: "cubicle")] ] (click-replace: "There is a long queue of people here.")["What the f*** was taking you so f****ing long in the f***ing ****er you f****** piece of **** ******* ******?????? T**t!!!!!" The queue of people don't seem very happy with you!]

You are in a very small, smelly and crampt toilet cubicle. (if: $vicar is "gone")[(unless: $clothes is "taken")[You can see some black robes and a pair of glasses.]] (if: $vicar is "cubicle")[There is a vicar here, trousers round his ankles and shaking in his boots] (click: "vicar")[ [["Take all your clothes off!"]] [["Excuse me, but I really need to use the toilet"]] [["Forgive me father, but I need to confess my sins"]]] (click-replace: "You can see some black robes and a pair of glasses.")[You get changed into the robes. Along with the glasses they are an excellent disguise!(set: $clothes to "taken")] [[Exit Cubicle|public toilets]]

You are standing outside the pleasantly imposing "Hostel Bastardos", the greatest hotel in Benidorm! A few stone steps lead up towards the grand glass [[entrance|reception]]. The hotel overlooks the beach as in easy walking distance of the town and port along the [[promenade]] towards the east. Looking towards the [[west|tracks]], you can make out a stretch of wasteground. Cyclists and joggers breeze by. (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.](set: $sheet to "taken")

You are standing on a grassy field. However, the grass here is a scorced yellow type of grass, not the good old UK green grass. At your feet are some strange [[tracks|wrong side of tracks]]. (unless: $spade is "taken")[There is a plastic spade here.](click-replace: "There is a plastic spade here.")[Commonly used for building sandcastles. You pick it up.(set: $spade to "taken")] There is a grand [[hotel]] to the east. (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.]

You are on the other side of the tracks. And not the right one! Someone coughs behind you... (click: "coughs")[ Out of the blue, you are suddenly surrounded by a group of dodgy-looking individuals. "Danos tu dinero!" They say, surrounding you. You explain that you don't speak Spanish, but that doesn't deter them. "Danos tu dinero!" They say again. Suddenly, they all jump on you. One of them grabs the bag of money that you took from Sir Tom Fallow's safe. "¡Eran ricos!" They all cheer, running off leaving you face down in the dirt. Oh dear, you won't get far in Spain without any money! This is game over, I'm afraid me old mucker! GAME OVER]

You are in the grand reception of the "Hotel Bastardos" - the best hotel in town!! (unless: $maureen is "taken")[There are some stairs here that lead up to the [[second floor|outside room]].](else:)[There are some stairs here that lead up to the second floor.(click: "second floor")["No guests in the bedrooms!!" The receptionist says.]] (unless: $thinman is "gone")[There is a thin man with a thin moustache working behind reception. (unless: $checkin is "done")[(click: "thin man")[ <blockquote>"Welcome to the Hotel Bastardos Signor! Would you like to check-in?"<blockquote>]]](else:)[(unless: $thinwoman is "gone")[The thin man has gone from behind reception, and now there is a [[thin woman]] instead.]] (unless: $umbrella is "taken")[You can see an umbrella](click-replace: "You can see an umbrella")[Taken.(set: $umbrella to "taken")] (click: "check-in")[(unless: $checkin is "done")[ (go-to: "check in") ](else:)[You have nothing to say to the fella.]] Large rotating glass doors lead [[outside|hotel]] (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.]

You are on the First Floor Landing, opposite "Room 5", the best room in the best hotel in Benidorm! Some stairs here lead down to [[reception]]. (if: $key5 is "taken")[ (click: "Room 5")[(go-to: "room 5") ]]

You are in "Room 5", the best room in the best hotel in Benidorm! There is some old fashioned wallpaper, which gives the room a kind of retro appeal, a stained carpet, which gives the room a chic, 80's ambiance, a window and a single bed. This room should do you just fine! [There is a huge great bastard rat in the room, staring up at you.]<c2| (unless: $pills is "taken")[ [There is a container of Gippy tummy pills lying on the floor.]<c3| ] (click: "single bed")[Functional small single bed on springs. The less said about the mattress though, the better.(unless: $lotion is "taken")[ [Under the bed you find some suntan lotion!]<c1| ](click-replace: ?c1)[You liberally apply the suntan lotion all over your body, giving special attention to nose, cheeks, earlobes, chin, forehead and the rest of your ears and face.(set: $lotion to "taken")]] The [[exit|outside room]] to your room is on the south wall. (click-append: "window")[ (with a lovely view of a brick wall)] (click-append: "wallpaper")[ (The pattern looks like some drunk Albanian has been sick all over the wall. It is also torn.)] (click-append: "carpet")[ (You woundn't like to guess what those stains are! Vomit? Urine?...Blood?) ] (click-replace: ?c2)[(unless: $cheese is "taken")[You try to take the rat, but it hisses at you and swipes a claw in your diirection! You don't want to be on the wrong end of those teeth! It has started to foam at the mouth! It might be rabid!](else:)[You throw the cheese on the floor close to the rat, which immediately devours it and scuttles off through a hole in the wainscotting...(set: $rat to "gone")]] (click-replace: ?c3)[(unless: $rat is "gone")[(go-to: "rat bite")](else:)[You pick up the Gippy tummy pills, popping one or two in your mouth for luck.(set: $pills to "taken")]] (set: $thinman to "gone")

You are on the promenade, which stretches [[east|more promenade]] to [[west|hotel]]. There are some [[stone steps]] which access the beach here. (unless: $man is "gone")[There is a man with sunglasses here, leaning against a Ferrari Testarossa - looking cool. (click: "man with sunglasses")[ "[[Nice car! Is it for sale?]]"] ] (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.] (if: $car is "taken")[There is a man here, holding a crust of a sandwich and sobbing uncontrollably.]

(unless: $lotion is "taken")[ You are on a beautiful stretch of promenade close to the port. You can't go on!!!! The sun's heat is too much for your little white round bald head!! You collapse from sunstroke!!! -ALWAYS COVER UP WHEN GOING OUT IN THE SUN!!!- Game over!](else:)[You are on a beautiful stretch of promenade close to the [[port]]. The waves soothe you. What a lovely day it is! There is a small but quaint [[tapas bar]] here, overlooking the beach. The promenade continues [[westwards|promenade]].] (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.]

You are standing by the port. A [[jetty]] stretches out from here into the sea. A [[promenade|more promenade]] stretches out to the west, adjacent to the sea, and to the north is the [[old town]] of Benidorm, with all it's shops and restaurants. A [cliff-top road]<c1| leads off to the east. (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.] (if: $road is "open")[(replace: ?c1)[ [[cliff-top road|road]] ]] (unless: $road is "open")[(click: "cliff-top road")[The road is closed for repair.]]

You are on a long and winding cliff-top road. (unless: $car is "taken")[ You are walking along, when without warning, a car speeds round the road, ploughing into you, knocking you 20 feet into the air! Crazy Spanish drivers!! You land back to earth with a plop, each limb shattered, and your head an unsightly mash-up of blood,bone brains and beard. GAME OVER!](else:)[ The road winds [[south|sharp bend]] and [[west|port]].] .

You are on a sharp bend on the long and winding cliff-top road, curving [[north-east|dangerous road]] and [[north-west|road]].

You are in the old town centre of Benidorm. There is the usual mix of tavernas, cheap and tacky souvenir shops with racks upon racks of fridge magnets on show outside, and little cafe's with outdoor seating offering English Breakfast's to tempt the tourists. Out of all the boutique shops, the most interesting seem to be a fashionable (unless: $tailors is "done")[ [[Tailors]] ](else:)[tailors], an expensive [[art gallery]], and an [[estate agents]]. A short way to the south, you can hear the the horns of boats coming into [[port]]. (click: "tailors")[There is a sign on the window saying "Closed for the day" (in Spanish obviously).] (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.]

You are in a fashionable tailors. Ties, bowler hats and suits in various shades of blue and grey tastefully decorate the store. As soon as you enter, a young salesman runs up to you, tutting. [<blockquote>"Signore,signore,signore!!!" He says, shaking his head, looking at your clothes. "Frightfull! Is the stuff of nightmares!!! Where did you get this orrible soot?"</blockquote>]<c1| The [[exit|old town]] is on the east wall. (click: "young salesman")[(replace: ?c1)[ "[[Fix me up, my good man! A suit of the finest quality if you may!]]" "[[Sir, you offend me! This is my favorite garment!]]"]]

You are in a fancy estate agents, only selling properties of the very highest caliber. Tinkle -tinkle piano music plays from a small radio. A cool breeze enters from the [[open door|old town]] behind you. (unless: $deeds is "taken")[Here you can see a display which lists many desirable properties in Benidorm.] (click: "display")[A particular property catches your eye... For only £10,000,000 you could buy a luxury villa on the beach! [BUY VILLA]<c1| ] (click-replace: ?c1)[The transaction is completed with remarkable swiftness, and but moments later the deeds to the villa are placed on the desk in front of you, and you are £10,000,000 lighter. You are somewhat relieved, that bag full of cash was starting to get heavy. (set: $deeds to "taken")(set: $man to "notgone") (set: $status to $status+12) SOCIAL STATUS+12]

You are in an exclusive art gallery. Many a fine work of art adorn the walls. It is stiffling in here. The door lets in fresh air and leads back out on to the [[old town]]. (unless: $invitation is "taken")[ (if: $painting is "taken")[Adrian Swidzinski is here. (click: "Adrian Swidzinski")[<blockquote>"Let me shake your hand!" He says, "Well won! You obviously have excellent taste sir! Tell you what, I'm having a small party on board my yacht this afternoon! I'll be honoured if you could make it. Shall we say 6.00 pm? Oh, and it's black tie." </blockquote> He hands you a party invitation(set: $invitation to "taken")]] (unless: $auction is "ended")[[There is an auction going on at the moment]<c1| Adrian Swidzinski, the world renowed art-critic and playboy is here, bidding on a painting.] (unless: $painting is "taken")[(click: "Adrian Swidzinski")[A tall, bald, gangly man of Polish decent, his countenance would lead you to believe that he was of a simple and quite thick personage, but his reputation proves otherwise. You try to start a conversation. "Don't distract me! I'm busy!" He says bluntly.]] (click: "painting")[It is a Pierre-Auguste Renoir – Le Moulin de la Galette. Worth a bob or two.] (click-replace: ?c1)[ [[Join in the auction]] ]]

You are standing on a jetty. Here the boats and yachts moor up. You can see a [[port]] close by. There is a luxury yacht moored up here. It's [[gangplank]] is out. (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.]

You are in a small but perfectly formed tapas bar. (unless: $cheese is "taken")[[A mouse-trap is here on the floor.]<c1|] [The waiter runs up to you, almost out of his mind with desperation for business... (unless: $maureen is "taken")["Table for one, Signore??" [["Yes please!"|Just looking at the menu, thank you!]] ](else:)["Table for two, Signore??" [["Yes please!"|eat with maureen]] ] "Just looking at the menu, thank you!"]<c2| (click: "Just looking at the menu, thank you!")[(replace: ?c2)[The waiters shoulders drop, his head goes down, and he slowly walks away, depressed.]] (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.] The exit leads out onto the [[promenade|more promenade]] (click-replace: ?c1)[(unless: $cheese is "taken")[There is a piece of cheese lying on top of it.] (click-replace: "There is a piece of cheese lying on top of it.")[Taken.(set: $cheese to "taken")]]

(unless: $car is "taken")[ You are walking along, when without warning, a car speeds round the road, ploughing into you, knocking you 20 feet into the air! Crazy Spanish drivers!! You land back to earth with a plop, each limb shattered, and your head an unsightly mash-up of blood,bone brains and beard. GAME OVER!](else:)[You are on a stretch of road that runs pericously close to the edge of the cliff. It runs [[south-east|mansion]] and [[south-west|sharp bend]]. ]

You are outside a glorious mansion, overlooking the sea, surrounded by lush gardens. There are (unless: $gates is "open")[huge cast iron gates](else:)[ [[huge cast iron gates|drive]] ] here, blocking entry to the drive leading up to the house. (unless: $intercom is "off")[Beside the gate there is a small [[intercom]].] (unless: $rosebush is "taken")[By the side of the gate grows a rosebush.] The road curves [[east|lovely road]] and [[north-west|dangerous road]]. (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.] (click: "rosebush")[(set: $rosebush to "taken")You bend down (after getting out of the car of course), and pick the best rose of the bunch. This, you hand to the beaming Maureen. "A rose for my rose!" You say. You romantic son-of-a-gun Dave! (click: "Maureen")[ [[Say "I love you snuggle wuggle dumpling"]] [[Ask Maureen if she would use the intercom]] ] ]

(unless: $car is "taken")[ You are walking along, when without warning, a car speeds round the road, ploughing into you, knocking you 20 feet into the air! Crazy Spanish drivers!! You land back to earth with a plop, each limb shattered, and your head an unsightly mash-up of blood,bone brains and beard. GAME OVER!](else:)[ You are on a lovely stretch of winding road, superb views of the sea can be seen from here. The road winds [[north-east|straight road]] and [[west|mansion]].]

You are on long straight, dusty road which offers magnificent views of the coast. The road runs [[north-west|lovely road]], while to the north is a [[luxury villa]].

You are outside a marvellous luxury villa! (click: "marvellous luxury villa")[(if: $permission is "granted")[As you and your new super-model wife amble into your new luxury villa, and begin to make a home and a family, the neighbours realise that you belong here. Everyone respects you! You've made it Dave, you've finally made it!! As you relax in your new villa, your jump on the sofa and turn on the TV.... ...and watch Jeremy Kyle in style! (set: $status to $status+25) SOCIAL STATUS+25 <center>CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE MADE IT TO THE TOP OF THE TREE! WELL DONE! GAME OVER!</center>](else:)[You enter the villa, but with a strong sense of failure. Something is missing... Yes, you are a failure. You have failed. Come back when your not a failure!! GAME OVER!]]

[You are on a grand white-stone cobbled drive, leading up to a grand mansion. A grand entrance lies before you, plant pots beside it and everything. Above the door there is a coat of arms featuring a fish rampant gules on an azure ground. There are a grand set of gates on the south end of the drive. Here, everything is grand!]<c2| (if: $car is "parked")[Your car is parked here.] (unless: (history:) contains "drive")[You park up and step out of the car(set: $car to "parked")] (unless: $drive is "safe")[Some gorgeous little dogs come running up to you, playfully. (click: "little dogs")[Suddenly the dogs are upon you! (click: "upon you")[ The dogs go mad!! They tear at your flesh like a little boy eating a curly wurly! Your scream, and scream, but nobody comes to your rescue. (click: "scream")[ In a blood-soaked haze you can make out Maureen shedding a tear or two, but she's certainly not frantically screaming and running to your aid, as you would expect. Bit disappointing from her if you're honest. It doesn't take long for one lucky dog to find the juicy part of your throat, and then it's lights out for Dave Crowe. GAME OVER]]]](else:)[(replace: ?c2)[You are on a grand white-stone cobbled drive, leading up to a grand mansion. A grand entrance lies before you, plant pots beside it and everything. Above the door there is a coat of arms featuring a fish rampant gules on an azure ground. There are a grand [[set of gates|mansion]] on the south end of the drive. Here, everything is grand! (unless: $car is "taken")[By the side of the door is an old-fashioned iron [[bell pull]].]] ] (click-replace: "Your car is parked here")[You get in the car and start the engine.(set: $car to "taken")]

You are in a very elegant, book-lined study. Large windows open out onto a balcony overlooking a breathtaking view of the sea. (unless: $study is "clear")[(if: (history:) contains "fancy bathroom")[For a brief moment you think you see a fluttering shadow outside the window.] (click: "fluttering shadow")[(go-to: "swat team")]] (unless: (history:) contains "study")[Signor Bardi is here, writing his memoirs on a very fancy green leather lined desk. He is suaveness personifed, a Rhett-Butler sort of character, straight out of romance fiction. He stands up and shakes your hand, and asks what are your intentions toward his daughter? [[Ask for permission to marry Maureen]] [[Say something flattering]] ] Maureen is here. You can also see: Signor Bardi (unless: $monkey is "gone")[A Monkey] (unless: $powder is "taken")[(unless: $powder is "flushed")[A big bag of white powder]] (click: "Signor Bardi")[(unless: $study is "clear")[Signor Bardi stares at you as you are about to speak. You feel so intimidated in the company of this great man, you forget your words, and look down at the carpet with a sense of inadequacy.](else:)["Thank you!!! Thank you!!! Thank you!!! You saved us all!!" Signor Bardi says, grabbing your hands and shaking them. [[Ask for permission to marry Maureen]] [[Ask for permission to use the bathroom]] Say "[[I've decided it's you I love, not your daughter, Signor Bardi...]]"]] (click-append: "Monkey")[ - wearing [[rollerskates]]] (click: "white powder")[Looks like a huge amount of very expensive bicarbonate of soda! Either that, or cocaine. You go to pick it up. "Look with your eyes, not with your hands!" Signor Bardi says.]

You are in a large, fancy bathroom. Everything here is marble, and the bath is a circular bath, so you know it costs money. There is a marble toilet here, and a marble sink with a cabinet above it. [[Leave Bathroom|study]] (click: "marble toilet")[ Have a wee(click-replace: "Have a wee")[........pissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss....... You wee in little circles around the toilet bowl.(set: $status to $status-6) SOCIAL STATUS-6] (if: $heroin is "taken")[Flush the heroin(click-replace: "Flush the heroin")[(set: $heroin to "flushed")You pour the heroin down the toilet and flush it all away, praying that there willl be some reward in heaven for your good deeds, because here on earth your reward will probably involve being cut to pieces with a chainsaw by a gang of angry drug dealers.]] (if: $powder is "taken")[Flush the white powder(click-replace: "Flush the white powder")[You pour the cocaine down the toilet and flush it all away, feeling a small measure of pride knowing that you have done the right thing, and an extremely large measure of horror knowing your have literally just poured half a million euros down the toilet.(set: $powder to "flushed")]] ] (click: "cabinet")[On opening the cabinet, you discover... (unless: $bandages is "taken")[some bandages,] (unless: $anticeptic is "taken")[some anticeptic] (unless: $heroin is "taken")[(unless: $heroin is "flushed")[ and lashings and lashings of heroin.]] (if: $bandages is "taken")[(if: $anticeptic is "taken")[(if: $heroin is "taken")[...nothing!]]] ] (click: "heroin")[You take the heroin.(set: $heroin to "taken")] (click: "bandages")[You take the bandages.(set: $bandages to "taken")] (click: "anticeptic")[You take the anticeptic.(set: $anticeptic to "taken")]

The receptionist takes the letter and gives it a brief read. "OK, Mr Macarthur... Mr Fallow's has been expecting you. Take a seat and I'll let him know that you're here." You take a seat in one of the reception sofas. Before too long, a short man with long curly hair, red cheeks and a serious expression came out of the glass panelled door, came up to you and stuck out his hand. "Good morning sir! Mr Macarthur I presume? My associate Mr Dobson speaks very highly of you." He takes you into his office and sits you down at a desk, taking the seat opposite you. "You seem like a good sort." He says you, "The jobs yours. Can you start right away? Excellent! Your office is right across the corridor from mine. Go and make yourself comfortable. There will be a board meeting in 5 minutes." With that, he kicks you out into the corridor, slamming the door behind him. (set: $status to $status+15) SOCIAL STATUS+15 [[CONTINUE|End of Corridor]] (set: $job to "taken") (set: $tom to "office")

(if: $breadcrumbs is "taken")[You leave a trail of the breadcrumbs so your can find your path back to the lift! You are amongst a maze of toys, all shapes and sizes. Cuddly toys, toy trains, inflatable toys...toys toys toys!! (unless: $screwdriver is "taken")[You can see a screwdriver.] (click-replace: "screwdriver")[Taken.(set: $screwdriver to "taken")] [[Follow Breadcrumbs|Toys Department]]](else:)[ You are lost amongst a maze of toys, all shapes and sizes. Cuddly toys, toy trains, inflatable toys...toys toys toys!! You can no longer make out where the exit is! GAME OVER!]

INTERNAL MEMO. HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL Prepared by Tom. Fallows. Subject: Destruction of Orphanage in Equador. At our next board meeting we must come to a decision as to what to do with the problem of the Orphanage in Guayaquil. Equador. Since investing in the land over 5 years ago, this orhanage has stood in the way of our proposed location for the a new runway for our private airport connecting our new bank to the main terminal at Cotopaxi. It has been estimated that the current state of affairs are setting us back 160 million per annum. The headmistress of the orphange, a Mrs Batty, refuses to sell to us, and leaves us in a postiton whereby I propose to not only elimate Mrs Batty, but to destroy the orphanage in such as way that any investigation would suggest that Mrs Batty went insane, and burnt the orhpanage down herself, leaving us in no way culpable, and free to start work on our runway. Be advised, that should this plan backfire, it could result in adverse publicity and further decrease our profits in real terms.(set: $memo to "read") [[continue|Crappy Office]]

+10 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard+10) +5 SOCIAL STATUS(set: $status to $status+5) You vote to kill Mrs Batty, destory the orphanage and make it all look like an accident. "Excellent! Excellent!" Tom says, beaming, "So we are all agreed then...." "Just one question..." You ask, "What about the children?" All of the board members start laughing. Tom chuckles and ignores the question. At the moment, Mrs Baggins the tea lady enters with a trolley full of hot drinks. "Would anyone like a hot drink and biscuit?" She asks the room. [[Cup of tea please, Mrs Baggins]] [[A cup of coffee would do nicely, Mrs Baggins]] [[Can I be excused? I need the toilet!]]

-5 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard-5) -5 SOCIAL STATUS(set: $status to $status+5) You vote "BUY". All the boardmembers stare at you in unison. You are the only one who voted this way. Sir Tom is staring at you, and he doesn't seem very pleased. "Explain yourself!" He demands. You squirm in your seat. "Well, I just thought.... that this way everyone wins, the children...." Tom stands up and slams his fists on the table, "Explain to me, just how you imagine we can make a profit if we go around handing out our money willy-nilly to every Tom, Dick and Harry???" "But Sir..." You plead. "I've heard enough!!! Go and wait for me in my office!!!!" (set: $boardroom to "closed") [[continue|End of Corridor]]

You decline to vote. Tom Fallows goes red in the face. He stares at you with daggers. "I despise you namby pamby, nimby namby, butter-me-up-darling, kiss arse, sit on the fence, clueless IMBECILES like youself!!! You, sir..have NO FUTURE with this company!!" He buzzes into the intercom... "Security, remove Mr Macarthur from the premises at once!!!" Two burly men come in and rough-handle you out of the building, without so much as a please or thank-you. GAME OVER You failed to climb the social ladder!

"I'll have a cup of tea please!!" You ask. "Good man! I like man who drinks tea!!" Sir Tom says. After the good old cup of British tea, the meeting is closed, and everyone returns to their respective offices. (set: $boardroom to "closed") (set: $tom to "office") [[continue|Crappy Office]]

"A cup of coffee sounds nice!" You say. Tom stares at you with daggers. "My employees only drink TEA!!" He says. "Good old fashioned, know-what-your-getting, honest, homely, patriotic, Queen's own, English breakfast TEA!!!" You ask for a cup of tea. After the good old cup of British tea, the meeting is closed, and everyone returns to their respective offices. (set: $boardroom to "closed")(set: $tom to "office") [[continue|Crappy Office]]

"Of course, of course..." Sir Fallows says, dismissing you with a wave of his hand, "Use the one in my office....It's closer!" [[continue|End of Corridor]]

The safe has a code-lock! Enter the right code or the alarm might go off, and you'll be buggered, chum! [WHAT IS THE CODE? [[1990|wc]] [[0000|wc]] [[4321|wc]] [[1234|wc]] 1987 [[7891|wc]] [[1981|wc]] [[2016|wc]]]<c1| (click: "1987")[By Jove you guessed the combination! The safe clicks open revealling a great big bagfull of cash!!! (replace: ?c1)[ ] (click: "bagfull of cash")[(set: $cash to "taken")Taken! You better get out of here, sharpish!! +9 Social Status [[continue|Tom's Office]] ]]

That's the WRONG CODE! Suddenly, a siren goes off in the building. All the lights go off, to replaced with a red neon flashing glow. A recorded voice over the tannoy starts saying "INTRUDER ALERT, INTRUDER ALERT" over and over again! And suddenly, there he is! There at the door! SIR TOM FALLOWS! And he doesn't look happy! "YOU DARE STEAL FROM ME??" He screams, his voice shaking the very foundations of the building. He rips open the front of his shirt, his chest bearing a tatoo of the devil feasting on the bones of babies, and he grabs your neck with both hands.With one swift movement he snaps your neck, and throws your lifeless body at his own feet, laughing as he does so. But he is not done with you yet! Not by a long chalk! "NOW I WILL EAT YOUR INSIDES!" He shouts, pulling a knife and fork out of his pocket and kneeling over your remains. I think that's pretty much GAME OVER!

(set: $passport to "true") (set: $cash to "taken") There are some very perculiar stains on the back seat. "Where to, Guv?" He asks you. [[Home|street]] [[City center|GET OFF TRAM]] (if: $cash is "taken")[ [[Airport]] ]

The toilet is occupied! [[continue|public toilets]]

Knock Knock! A small voice calls out from inside the toilet cubicle.... "Bless you for your patience my son, but I fear I may be in here for some time......" This is followed by a small groan. [[continue|public toilets]]

You take a running start, and shoulder barge the door, which detaches itself with ease away from it's hinges. The vicar is sat down on the toilet with his pants round his ankles. He looks up at you with horror, his hands holding his face. "Forgive him father... for he know's not what he does!" He says. (set: $status to $status-6) SOCIAL STATUS-6 +2 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard+2) (set: $cublicle to "smashed") [[continue|cubicle]]

"Take all your clothes off! NOWWWW!" You scream at the poor vicar. Scared out of his wits, the vicar takes off his black robes. "And your glasses!" You insist, shaking your fist. He takes off his glasses and puts them on top of the pile of clothes. "Now get out of here!" You shout, and the naked vicar shreiks and runs off.... (set: $vicar to "gone") [[continue|cubicle]]

"I'm sorry, your majestry, but I really need to go for a pee!" You plead. "Well why didn't you say?" The vicar says, "Go now...go for a pee with my blessing. I shall leave you in peace my son." With that he walks off... (set: $vicar to "nil") [[continue|cubicle]]

"I need to confess my sins!!!!" You shout! "My Son, this really is neither the time or the place. Besides which, I am not an English Vicar, not a Catholic priest!" "But I need to confess NOW!" You demand! "Ok, my son, be seated and confess." You take a seat on the toilet and begin to recite all your sins. (Those that you can remember, anyway). This takes some time, of course, and by the time you are finished a long queue of people has appeared, all waiting to use the toilet. "God forgives you." The vicar says, "Now...go...God be with you." The vicar then dashes off quickly because he is late for his flight. (set: $status to $status+4) SOCIAL STATUS+4 -20 Bastard Rating (set: $bastard to $bastard-20) (set: $vicar to "late") [[continue|cubicle]]

She taps something into her computer. "I'm afraid that flight is fully booked sir, Please choose another destination." [[Hawaii|booked]] [[Seyshelles|booked]] [[Mexico|booked]] [[Benidorm]]

"You're in luck sir! There are plenty of seats available for that flight!!" (unless: $clothes is "taken")[ You are in the process of handing over your passport and some money, when 5 armed police guards grab you roughly by the shoulder. Sir Tom Fallows is there with them, looking very cross indeed. "That's the bugger!!" He says, pointing his chubby little finger in your face, "He's the swine who robbed me!!" "Your nicked me old cocker!" One of the police constables says, slapping the cuffs on your wrists. GAME OVER ](else:)[You hand over your passport and some money, and the check-in lady hands you over the tickets. "Do you not have any luggage, sir?" She asks you. You tell her you have no need of bags, because you have extra large pockets! "Ok then, Have a safe flight sir!!!" [[BOARD FLIGHT]] ]

After a short flight, during which you had lots of highly entertaining and humorous escapades, your flight touches down in Benidorm airport. Outside the airport you jump in a taxi and ask the driver to take you to the best hotel in Benidorm! "That would be the Hotel Bastardos signor!" The driver tells you. "Well then, take me there if you please my good sir!" You say, and after a 20 minute drive, in which you had lots of highly entertaining and humourous escapades, the driver stops in front of the Hotel Bastardos. You pay the man, tip him genourously, and he speeds off. You look up at the hotel. "This is it!!" You think to yourself, "A new life....in paradise!!!" (set: $status to $status+6) SOCIAL STATUS+6 (set: $man to "gone") [[continue|hotel]]

(set: $status to $status+2) SOCIAL STATUS+2 As soon as you take the art down from the wall, a piercing alarm fills your ears and armed guards wearing gas masks appear at both ends of the corridor. One of them rolls something along the floor, which lands at your feet emmitting a large cloud of gas. As the gas hits your lungs, you fall to your knees choking, your eyes stinging with unbearable pain. Then the clubs start, battering your body, your head, until you feel no more... GAME OVER

You walk up to the children's entertainer and ask her her name. "Poppy!" She says with a sweet smile, "My name is Poppy!" [["You are the most beautifull girl in the world, can I take you for a drink?"]] [["Give us a kiss sweetlips"]] [[Stomp on her balloon animals]]

"You are the most beautifull girl I have ever seen!" You say to her in earnest, "Pray, do me the honor of a drink this evening?" She stares up into your eyes, a slight flush in her cheeks. "My.... that is most adorable!!" She says, "And I would gladly accept... if only....." "If only--?" "If only it weren't for him!" She points behind you, and you turn to face the biggest creature you have every seen in your life. A gigantic man, 7 feet tall, 5 feet wide, even his tattooes have tattooes. The veins in his neck throb as he cracks his neck. His blood-shot eyes stare at you with pure hatred, the kind of which you have never seen before. He cracks his knuckles, huge knuckles emblazed with the words "HATE" and "HATE". He is foaming at the mouth. "YOU. TALK. TO. MY. GIRL??" He utters, like a caveman who has just found his best mate in bed with his girl, and eating the last piece of mammoth. "Look, my good man..." You start to say, gulping. "YOU. TALK. TO. MY. GIRL????" He repeats. "Now, Stephen... stop this behaviour right now!" The girl says, "This gentleman only asked me if I wanted a drink. That was all." "YOU. ASK. MY. GIRL. FOR. DRINK???" He says, going more and more red in the face. Foam drips from his mouth to the floor. "I was....only joking....." You say, feeling 2 inches tall. "STEPHEN. CRUSH!!!" He says, grabbing you by the neck and squeezing hard, until your eyes pop. GAME OVER

"Give us a kiss sweetheart!!" You say, giving her a little wink. She looks at you, up and down, head to toe, thinking... "Ok, meet me outside in the car park.... Nobody can see us there. But I want you to be ready. Take all your clothes off!" [[continue|car park]]

You stomp on all her balloon animals, popping them! Children are crying left, right and center. "Why, for the love of God...why???" One little girl screams. The entertainer looks at you, stone faced. Safe to say you won't be taking her out on a date! You are led out of the restaurant by a bulky secuirty guard and a spotty teenager, with a "Manager" badge on his lapel. +3 Bastard Rating (set: $bastard to $bastard+3) (set: $fastfood to "closed") [[continue|Fast Food Restaurant]]

You are around the back of the fast food restaurant, where the staff all park their cars. It is very secluded here, but the smell from the bins is almost unbearable. There is a small, hidden [[passageway|Market Street]] to the east. (unless: $brick is "taken")[You can see a brick.] (click-replace: "You can see a brick.")[Taken.(set: $brick to "taken")] You wonder what you should do next... [[Take off your clothes and wait for Poppy]] [[Play a little joke and hide from Poppy]]

(set: $status to $status-4) SOCIAL STATUS-4 You take all your clothes off and stand there, naked, by the bins, waiting for this girl you have just met to come and meet you... WAIT (click: "WAIT")[It is getting cold. (click: "WAIT")[Your nipples are frozen (click: "WAIT")[It is dark now. The lights of the restaurant all go out. (click: "WAIT")[A gang of youths enter the car park. They see you, and point at you, laughing. "That looks like a willy... only smaller!!!" One of them shouts, humourously. (click: "WAIT")[You begin to think she's not coming. (click: "WAIT")[A very large, and very butch man walks up to you. "Hello sweetie...." He says. You cover your privates, and shaking with the cold try to explain that you are waiting for someone. But he's not listening. "I'm going to give you a very sore bottom!" He says, grabbing you. continue]]]]]] (click-replace: "continue")[I won't go into any more detail, save to say you have lost the game. You can no longer walk properly, never mind climb the pillars of society! GAME OVER]

(set: $status to $status-3) SOCIAL STATUS-3 With a little titter, you run over to one of the larger bins, and hide inside! You can barley conceal your mirth as you lie there, in the dark, in amongst the rotten carrots and potato peelings, waiting for Poppy to come outside so you can jump out and surprise her. Time passes, and the stench of the rotten food fills your nostrils. You begin to feel a bit queasy, but it's too late to back out of the joke now! You must have fallen asleep, because a few hours later, you are awaken with a jolt as the bin rises into the air, and you are tipped head first into the back of a rubbish truck. The crash and the whirr of the machinery fill your ears as you are crushed to death by the workings of the compactor. Your head explodes like a grapefruit, and the last thought to you through your bald little head is... "I never got to play my joke." GAME OVER

You smash the glass with the brick, and an alarm rings out, piecering your ears! You lose all your nerve and run out of the shop, hiding behind a postbox on Deansgate. (set: $status to $status-3) SOCIAL STATUS-3 +4 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard+4) (set: $policeman to "gone") [[continue|Deansgate]]

You ask to check-in. The thin man looks you up and down. You are still wearing the vicar's clothes, and they don't fit too well. You look like a man who has recently been very ill. "I don't think signor could afford the best hotel in Benidorm. There is a cheap hotel the other side of town. Maybe that will be more to sir's budget." You take a wad of notes from your breast pocket and slam it down on the reception desk. "I think that should cover a few nights!" You say. "Signor!!! Certainly!! I will give you the best room in the place!!" With that, he hands you the key to room5. [[continue|reception]] (set: $checkin to "done") (set: $key5 to "taken")

As you bend down to take the gippy tummy pills, the rat jumps up and bites your throat!!! You lie on the floor, clutching your throat, trying in vain to stop the jet spray of blood which is spurting from your neck. But, alas, there is not much to be done, and you slowly die, in the best room in the best hotel in Benidorm. GAME OVER

"How can I help you, Signor?" The thin woman asks. [["There is a rat in my room!"]] [["Where did the thin man go?"]] (if: $sheet is "taken")[Put the bed sheet over your head and [[pretend to be a ghost]].]

"I'm not happy!!" You say, in your most commanding voice, "My carpet is filthy, my bed is small, my mattress is hard, I have no view and there is a rat in my room!!" The thin woman looks at you long and hard. "Signor, this is the Hotel Bastardos! Maybe you would feel more comfortable in the Hotel Gayboy?" [[continue|reception]]

"Where did the thin man go?" You ask. The lady looks puzzled. "What thin man?" She asks in return, "There used to be a thin man who worked here, but he died 10 years ago this very day!" [[continue|reception]]

"Yes please!" You say, "I'm famished!!!" The waiter seats you at a table by the window, and hands you the menu, [["I'll take the fish, please"|eat solo]] [["The meat looks good!"|eat solo]] [["Vegertarian option for me, every time!"|eat solo]]

You finish your meal, looking out the window, feeling ever-so-lonely! If only you could find another lonely heart to eat with! You finish your meal, pay your bill and walk outside. (if: $pills is "taken")[ [[continue|more promenade]] ](else:)[ [[continue|food posion]] ]

You are standing in the hot sun on the promenade. Your stomach starts to feel a bit queasy..... (click: "queasy")[You suddenly start to get convulsions!! (click: "convulsions")[ You bend over double, grabbing your stomach.... (click: "stomach")[ You don't know what's wrong!! Maybe it's something you ate...?? (click: "ate")[ You start vommiting uncontrollably on the floor. (click: "vommiting")[ Your collapse on the floor, bent up double, still clutching your stomach and praying to God to make the pain stop!!!! (click: "pain stop")[ Your heart is racing! It feels like it could burst!!! Wait a minute..... IT DOES!!!!! You are dead. Game over.]]]]]]

(unless: $invitation is "taken")[ 2 bulky men on the gang plank stop you in your tracks. "This party is invitation only sir." [[continue|jetty]] ](else:)[(unless: $tailors is "done")[ 2 bulky men on the gang plank stop you in your tracks. "If you think your coming on board this yacht dressed like the last turkey in the window, you've got another thing coming Jim-lad!" They smirk, mocking you and your sense of dress. [[continue|jetty]]](else:)[ 2 bulky men on the gang plank stop you in your tracks. You pass one of them the party invitation and they let you through. [[continue|yacht]] ] ]

You are standing on the deck of a wonderful luxury yacht! Some stairs lead down towards the [[lower deck]], where sounds of a party in progress can be heard. The [[sun deck]] is aft. A gangpank connects the yacht to the [[jetty]]. (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.]

There is a cocktail party in progress here. Amongst the guests are Elton John, Tracy Emin, David Bailey, Ed Miliband, George Osborne, Justin Welby (the archbishop of canterbury) and Dick & Dom. Some steps here lead out onto the [[deck|yacht]]. (unless: (history:) contains "lower deck")[A waiter walks up to you with a tray of drinks in his hands. "Would Sir care for a champagne cocktail?" "[[Yes, Sir would!]]" "[[No, Sir wouldn't!]]" (click: "tray of drinks")[There is a banana sandwich on the tray too.(click-replace: "There is a banana sandwich on the tray too.")[Taken. (set: $bananasarnie to "taken")] ] ](else:)[(unless: $maureen is "gone")[Maureen is here. (unless: $maureen is "taken")[(click: "Maureen")[A vision of beauty, she deserves to be hanging from a nail in the lourve. Metaphorically speaking of course, you wouldn't like to see the girl crucified. [[Chat up Maureen]] [[Take Maureen]] ] ] ] ]

(if: $adrian is "boring")[You don't want to go back there! Adrian is still waffling on! [[continue|yacht]] ](else:)[ You are on the sun deck of the yacht. (if: $cocktail is "boat")[You can see a champagne cocktail.(click: "champagne cocktail")[ You drink it speedily. +4 Drunkeness(set: $drunk to $drunk+4)(set: $cocktail to "drunk")]] [[Return to the bow.|yacht]] (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.] (unless: $adrian is "dead")[Adrian Swidskinski is here, sipping a champagne cocktail and gazing out to sea.] (click: "Adrian")[He speaks to you without taking his eyes off the water. "Tell me, young David. Do you ever think about....ending it all?" [["You seem sad, do you want to talk about it?"|sad]] [["Don't reflect on it... do it! Jump!"|jump]] (if: $charger is "taken")[ Shock him with the [[battery charger]].] ] ]

"The finest suit you have, my good man!" "Of course, Signore, right away, and please permit me to burn this horrible thing you are wearing!" In no time at all, you are changed into a lovely charcoal gray 3 piece suit. The salesman even throws in the pocket hankerchief for free. "That will be £2000 euros signor..." The salesman says. Money doesn't really mean anything to you any more so you practically throw it at the poor man. "Take it! Take it!" You say, "The subject of money bores me!" The Salesman thanks you, and explains that he is closing for the day, so you thank him and leave the store. (set: $status to $status+7) SOCIAL STATUS+7 (set: $tailors to "done") [[continue|old town]]

"I really don't think there is anything wrong with what I am wearing now!! You offend me, Sir!" "I stand by what I said, Signore.... these clothes you are wearing offend my eyes!!" "Well then, It's like that is it? I thereby challenge you to a duel sir!!!" The salesman goes out the back to collect his sword, and you wait for him in the square outside. [[continue|duel]]

The tailor walks out into the town square, his sword pointed at you. "There you are, bastardo! Prepare to die!!!!" He attacks at once! (click: "attacks")[ You divet, and go for your sword! (click: "sword")[ You realise you don't have a sword!!! (click: "don't have a sword")[ The tailor swings his, cutting you across the chest. (click: "chest")[ You drop to your knees. "You faught bravely, young sir. I will pray for your soul." You cough blood and fall on your face. Game Over.]]]]

(set: $auction to "ended") "Gentlemen, the bidding now stands at 50,000,000 Euros..... Do I have 55,000,000?" ...You raise your hand. "Gentleman by the door! Thank-you! I now have 55,000,000, do I have 60,000,000?" Adrian Swidsinksi raises his hand. "Thank-you Mr Swidzinski.... the bidding is now at 60,000,000 euros!" [[STOP BIDDING|art gallery]] [[IMPROVE BID]]

"The bidding now stands at 60,000,000 euros! Do I have 65,000,000?" You raise your hand. The auctioneer nods in your direction. "Thank you Sir, 65,000,000!" Adrian is starting to look very angry indeed. The auctioneer asks "Do I have 70,000,000?" Adrian puts his hand up. "70,000,000 to the gentleman in the blue suit, do I have 75,000,000....?" [[STOP BIDDING|art gallery]] [[IMPROVE BID|IMPROVE BID2]]

"100 MILLION EUROS!" You call out! Everyone in the room gasps. "100 Million Euro's!! Do I have any advance on 100 million euros!" The auctioneer asks, looking over at Adrian. Adrian shakes his head. "Going once! Going Twice! ....GONE! To the gentleman by the door, for 100 million euros!! Congratulations sir!!!" (set: $status to $status+15) SOCIAL STATUS+15 (set: $painting to "taken") [[continue|art gallery]]

Without replying to him, you snatch the glass from the tray and toss the champagne down your throat in one gulp. Bad form, Dave, bad form! (set: $status to $status-9) SOCIAL STATUS-9 +8 drunkeness(set: $drunk to $drunk+8) [[continue|lower deck]]

"I'll think I'll pass Jeeves!!" "Very good Sir." The waiter toddles off. [[continue|lower deck]]

You take a deep breath, and approach Maureen in an attempt to start a conversation. [["Would you like to dance?"]] [["Would you like to come back to my hotel?"]] [["You must be tired, you have been running through my mind all day!"]]

"Would you care to dance?" You ask, doing your best impression of someone suave. "Why thank you kind sir!" She accepts, taking your hand. You lead her to the dance floor and as the band begins to play you start to waltz. You don't know if its the bubbles of the champagne going to your head, the beautiful music, or the sweet scent of her perfume, but you suddenly begin to feel as happy as you've ever felt in your life! Suddenly, you foot slips on a waylaid chipolata sausage someone has dropped on the floor. You tumble backwards into a tressle table, and your neck makes a horrible snapping sound! You lie on the floor, paralysed from the neck down... But the waltz goes on..... GAME OVER

"Filthy, filthy pervert! I could tell you were a sex beast from your beard and glasses!" She throws her glass of champagne in your face and strides off. (set: $maureen to "gone") [[continue|lower deck]]

She doesn't look impressed. "You're going to have to do better than that if you intend making moves with me!!" She says. -3 Social Status(set: $status to $status-3) [[continue|lower deck]]

"You're coming with me!" You say to Maureen. Maureen considers your offer.... {(live: 3.5s)[ She accepts!! (set: $status to $status+5) SOCIAL STATUS+5 ]} (click: "accepts")["Ooooohhh, I like a dominant man!" She says. (unless: $car is "taken")[She looks you up and down. Do you have a car? I'm not budging an inch if you don't have a car!!" [[continue|lower deck]] ](else:)[(set: $maureen to "taken")"Take me somewhere nice!" She says. [[continue|lower deck]] ] ]

"Hi!" You greet the cool guy, "What's your name?" "Windle! Ben Windle!" The cool guy answers. "Great car, is it for sale?" The cool guy laughs in your face, "For SALE? Are you in total command of your facilities, sir? Do you really think I would part with this car....? This CAR? It would be like parting with my own arm sir!!! My very soul!This car is PRICELESS! I would rather do unspeakable things to a gorilla than part with this car!" [["Don't go away, I'll be back with an unbeatable offer!"|promenade]] [["I'll give you thrice what you paid for it my good man!"]] [["OK, I can tell you don't want to sell your car. I won't pressure you."]] (if: $bananasarnie is "taken")[ [["I will give you this priceless banana sandwich in exchange!"]] ](if: $painting is "taken")[ [["I will give you this priceless work of art in exchange!"]] ]

"I will pay you thrice what you paid for it!" You say. The man narrows is eyes. "You don't have that kind of money!" He says suspiciously, "I mean, look at your beard, you can't even afford a razor! Not to mention deoderant!" "I do so have that kind of money! I'll prove it!" You take out the big bag of money and wave it in front of his eyes. Within seconds, and seemingly out of nowhere, a crowd of young Spanish men walk up behind you. "Entregar el dinero, el sudor de los testículos de un babuino!" One of them says. "I'm off! Best of luck!" The man says, jumping in his car and cowwardly speeding away. "Forgive me, I don't speak Spanish!" You say, nervously. The biggest of the lads steps forward. "He said, hand over the money you sweat from a baboon's balls!" And then they are upond you! Stamping, treading, poking, kicking, punching, hitting, stomping, slapping, biting, mashing, pinching, twizzling and chinese-burning! They leave you in a semi-conscious lump of blood bruises and pain, and take the money! Didn't you ever learn not to flash your valuables in public? GAME OVER

"OK, I can tell you don't want to sell your car. I won't pressure you." "You have saved yourself a lot of fruitless argument!" He says, jumping in his car, "And now young man, to the winds!" With that he speeds off. (set: $man to "gone") [[continue|promenade]]

"IF YOU THINK, I'm going to swap a FERRARI TESTAROSSA for a BANANA SANDW......" The cool guy stops for a moment, his eyes drifting to the banana sandwich. A globule of drool drips from the left hand corner of his mouth. "...I haven't eaten for 10 days......" He says, "I spent every penny I had on this car. I don't have a job. I just stand here every day showing off my car. I'm so so hungry...." You wave the sandwich in front of his face. His eyes follow it, transfixed. "Please.... give me a piece, just a bite.... go on....." "For the car!" You say, unmoved. "Arrrrghhhh!!! TAKE IT!!!" He screams, "THE KEYS ARE IN THE IGNITION!" He grabs the sandwich out of your hand, and falls to the floor devouring the banana sandwich. (set: $man to "gone")(set: $car to "taken") (set: $status to $status+11) SOCIAL STATUS+11 [[continue|promenade]]

You offer him the painting. He barely even looks at it. "Pish, posh! How many girls do you expect me to pick up standing by a painting on the side of a road? Besides, I have one exactly the same at home!" [[continue|promenade]]

"Yes please, we are both rather famished!!" The waiter seats you and Maureen at a table by the window, and hands you the menu, [["I'll take the fish, please"|eatmaureen]] [["The meat looks good!"|eatmaureen]] [["Vegetarian option for me, every time!"|eatmaureen]]

Your meals come, and you both start eating... You finish your meals. You wipe blobs of ketchup from around your mouth with a napkin. "Ta for that!" Maureen says, "I really enjoyed it!" You lean over to her, and say... [["My darling, Would you do me the honor of being my wife??]] [["Listen luv, you're giving me the hump. Run along and haunt someone else for a change"]] [[Are you enjoying your mash potato?"]]

(if: $deeds is "taken")[Maureen is thrilled and accepts!! But she adds that she could not possibily marry you without her father's consent! She says that her father is Signor Bardi, the biggest drug trafficker in Spain, and he is also frightfully important in the government too. You agree to go directly to Signor Bardi's palace now, to ask for his consent. (set: $status to $status+10) SOCIAL STATUS+10(set: $married to true)(set: $road to "open") [[continue|tapas bar after meal]] ](else:)[ Maureen looks sadly down at the napkin slung across her knee. "I'm sorry, Dave... but where would we live? Your hotel? I could not possibly marry somewhere who didn't own his own house!!" [[continue|tapas bar after meal]] ]

"Look babe, you're giving me the hump, run along and haunt someone else for a change!" You say. Maureen throws her hands to her face. "David! How could you! Your Brute!!" In an instant her face is wet with tears and black with running mascara. She slaps you, once, hard across the face and takes her handbag and storms out of the restaurant and out of your life. You're a cold hearted, lone-wolf Dave! You signal to the waiter and he brings over the bill. +5 Bastard Rating(set: $bastard to $bastard+5) (set: $maureen to "gone") [[continue|tapas bar after meal]]

"How is you're mash potato?" You ask. "Divine, my darling, simply divine!!" She responds. "You have a blob of it on your blouse." She takes a hankerchief and wipes it off, giggling. -3 Social Status [[continue|tapas bar after meal]]

You are sat down at a table in a small but perfectly formed tapas bar. (if: $maureen is "taken")[Maureen is here.] [The waiter places the bill on the table.]<c1| (click: "bill")[(replace: ?c1)[You pay the bill(if: $maureen is "taken")[, and leave a big enough tip as to impress Maureen.](set: $bill to "paid")]] The exit leads out onto the promenade. (click: "promenade")[ (if: $bill is "paid")[(go-to: "more promenade")](else:)[(go-to: "unpaid bill")]]

You haven't paid the bill!! As you step foot outside the tapas bar, the waiter runs up and grabs you by the arm! "The bill signor....." He says, looking you with cold, bloodshot, vengefull eyes, full of hate. "Oh, please forgive me, I quite forgot!" You apologise, putting your hand into your inside pocket to retrieve your wallet. The waiter panics, and thinking that you are going for your weapon, grabs a well-polished piece of silverware from a nearby table, and thrusts it into your abdomen. You fall to your knees, clutching your stomach, blood spraying everywhere and everyone, Maureen's face included. (set: $status to $status-9) SOCIAL STATUS-9 GAME OVER

You buzz the intercom "zzzzzz.....hello.... can I help you? zzzzzz......" a voice crackles. [["Hello, my name is Dave Crowe! Can I come in?"]] [["Hello sir, you don't know me.. but I am here to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage!"]] [["Open up, this is a raid!"]]

"Dave Crowe? I don't know any Dave Crowe! Get lost!" "But Sir, I have a very important question I would like to ask of you!" "Are you selling something?" "No sir!" "Are you a jehovah's witness?" "No!" "OK, I'll buzz you in." There is a buzzing sound, and the gates start to open automatically. (set: $gates to "open")(set: $intercom to "off") [[continue|mansion]]

"Tzzzzzz.... great news!!" The voice relays, "Come on it, I can't wait to meet you!!! Don't mind the dogs, they're harmless!" There follows a buzzing sound, and the gates start to open automatically. (set: $gates to "open")(set: $intercom to "off") [[continue|mansion]]

You can hear someone on the other side of the intercom going into a panic. "It's the feds!! Lets getoutta here!!!!" You hear. There follows a lot of crackling, even more swear words, and then everything goes quiet. (set: $intercom to "off") [[continue|mansion]]

"I love you too, honey poochie pandy pie!" She takes hold of your cheek and gives it a small squeeze. This dis-lodges your glasses, so you have to push them back up your nose, much to your annoyance! [[continue|mansion]]

Maureen consents, and presses the buzzer on the intercom. "zzzzzz.....hello.... can I help you? zzzzzz......" a voice crackles. "Daddy! It's me! It's your rumbly-tumbly maureen-pie!" "Smudgekins!!! Come on in! I'll go and tie the dogs up!!!" The gates then start to open automatically... (set: $gates to "open")(set: $intercom to "off")(set: $drive to "safe") [[continue|mansion]]

(if: (history:) contains "study")[You ring and ring but nobody answers. [[continue|drive]] ](else:)[ You pull on the bell-pull. The door is opened by 'Native', the household butler. "Miss Bardi! It is always a pleasure, to see you... please come in, your father is expecting you!" You follow Native through the entrance hall, and into an elegant book-lined study. [[continue|study]] ]

(unless: $study is "clear")["Mr Bardi....." You begin, puffing out your chest, "Signor." "Signor Bardi.... I would very much appreciate it if you would give your permission for your daughter's hand in marriage!" Signor Bardi stares at you. "You want to take my daughter away from me.... my only daughter.... the only thing I have of vaule in this world, apart from the house the cars the manservants, paintings, gold, jewerlly, cash etc? You want to leave me with nothing?" "Daddy....." Maureen starts, but she gets cut off. "I will deal with this honey bunny....." Signor Bardi says, going to his desk and taking out a small revolver from a drawer. "Come to think of it, I don't think I do want to get married after all-" You stutter - but your words hang in the air as a shot rings out, and a single bullet whizzes through the air, through your forehead, your skull, your craniium, the back of your head, and lands in the wall behind you. Your eyes glaze over and you drop to your knee, a dead man. GAME OVER](else:)["Mr Bardi....." You begin, puffing out your chest, "Signor." "Signor Bardi.... I would very much appreciate it if you would give your permission for your daughter's hand in marriage!" Signor Bardi knocks his head back and roars with laughter... "Well of course, why didn't you ask sooner?! You are a fine man, Mr Dave Crowe, I hope you and my daughter will be very happy together!!!!" Delighted, you and Maureen take each others hand and run downstairs to your waiting car.... (set: $status to $status+15) SOCIAL STATUS+15 (set: $permission to "granted") [[continue|drive]] ]

"You have a beautiful moustache, Signor Bardi!" You say. Clearly satisfied with your integrity, Signor Bardi hands you a glass of scotch. Do you take it? [[yes]] [[no]]

+4 drunkeness(set: $drunk to $drunk+4) You make a toast to each others health. "Salute!" Signor Bardi says, knocking back the scotch. You do likewise. [[Ask for permission to marry Maureen]] [[Offer the priceless painting as a gift]] [[Ask for permission to use the bathroom]]

-5 Social Status "No thank you, I've already drank quite enough for one day." You say politely. Signor Bardi looks at you threw slotted eye lids. "I don't trust men who don't drink." He says. [[continue|study]]

You pull out the priceless painting from your trousers and offer it as a gift to Signor Bardi. He is clearly touched. He embraces you. "This is a fine present. If I can do anything for you in return, please name it!" [[Ask for permission to marry Maureen]] [[Ask for the big bag of white powder]] [[Ask for permission to use the bathroom]]

Signor Bardi looks at you with barely concealed scorn. "Mr Crowe, I do not trust a man who can'not hold his bladder. However, if you must, I will call my manservant Native to show you where it is." Signor Bardi pulls down on a bell-cord, and in a matter of moments, the butler appears in the room. "If we would be so good as to follow me, sir..." He says... leading you towards the bathroom. [[continue|fancy bathroom]]

"Take it - It's yours!! It has a street value of half a million euros, but what is money among friends??!!" (set: $powder to "taken") [[continue|study]]

You pat the little monkey on its head. Suddenly, with a screech, It grabs your hand with it's paws and sinks its sharp teeth deep into your flesh. "Ahhhhh... Bastard monkey!!!" You cry out in pain. As the monkey scates away on it's rollerscates, Signor Bardi looks at the damage to your hand, blood dripping from a large gash. "You had better go in the bathroom and get this cleaned up." He says, "There's some anticeptic and bandages in the bathroom cabinet." (set: $monkey to "gone") [[continue|fancy bathroom]]

...Suddenly, and without warning, chaos errupts!! Men in black masks absail down the building, kicking in the windows, and throwing something at your feet! IT'S TEAR GAS! "Get down!!! It's the FEDS!!!" Signor Bardi screams. Milli-seconds later, you find yourself on the floor, your hands behind your back being cuffed. Maureen is screaming and Signor Bardi is in a rage screaming "Cock-a-Roaches!!!" (unless: $powder is "flushed")[ One of the feds finds the big bag of white powder. "The place is crawling with drugs!" He says. He grabs a fistfull of your hair, and, bending down to speak to you with a voicefull of scorn, "You are going away for a verrrry long time you drug smuggling bastard!" GAME OVER](else:)[(unless: $heroin is "flushed")[One of the feds comes out of the bathroom, carrying lashings and lashings of drity heroin. "The place is crawling with drugs!" He says. He grabs a fistfull of your hair, and, bending down to speak to you with a voicefull of scorn, "You are going away for a verrrry long time you drug smuggling bastard!" GAME OVER](else:)["Looks like the place is clean...." One of the feds say, "Looks like it was a bad tip!" The man in charge grabs a fistfull of your hair, and hisses "You may be lucky this time, but I'll be back for you, you drug smuggling scumbag!!" (set: $study to "clear") [[continue|study]] ] ]

You fall to your knees at the feet of Signor Bardi, tears streaming down your cheeks as you confess your new-found love for this great man, Maureen stands there, her hands to her face, very put-out indeed. "Mr Crowe, I do not trust a man who likes to confess his love for other men! On your toes!" You stand up, sheepisly rubbing the tears away with the sleeve of your shirt. "....And now I must ask you to leave." He says, his words as cold as his eyes. Heartbroken, you leave the house, the butler shutting the door behind you. Never to see Maureen or her father again. (set: $maureen to "gone") [[continue|drive]]

!GAME OVER! STATS Your social status is (print: $status) Your drunkeness status is (print: $drunk) Your Bastardness status is (print: $bastard) NEW GAME (click: "NEW GAME")[(reload:)]

(click: "GAME OVER")[(go-to: "GAME OVER")]

(if: $boy is "taken")[(goto: "boy found")] You are on the beach. It is full of stones and broken glass and stinks of seaweed. Some [[steps|promenade]] lead up to the promenade. The sea is here, crashing against the sand.(click: "sea")[It's blue and wobbly. You take a deep breath in. Ahhh, the sweet sweet smell of sewage! Far off in the distance, you can make out the shape of a small island.] (click: "island")[ [[Swim to island]] ] (if: $spade is "taken")[[You can dig a sandcastle if you wish]<c2|] (click: "sandcastle")[(unless: $repellent is "taken")[(replace: ?c2)[You find a tube of shark repellent under the sand! You rub it over your body, paying close attention to your nipples.(set: $repellent to "taken")]](else:)[(replace: ?c2)[Great sandcastle, Dave!]]] (unless: $can is "drunk")[[You can see a half empty can of extra strong lager lying in the sand]<c1|.(click: "can of extra strong lager")[(replace: ?c1)[You guzzle down the remnants of the can. Mmmmm...tastes strong with a bit of a sandy aftertaste!(set: $can to "drunk") (set: $drunk to $drunk+2)+2 Drunkeness]]] (unless: $lady is "gone")[(if: $lady is "waiting")[There is an anxious woman here.](else:)[A lady is sunbathing here.]] (click: "lady")[ Great Caeser's Ghost! She's topless!! Topless, Dave! (click: "topless!!")[She is sleeping. Would you like to prod her? [[Prod her!]] [[No, Don't prod her]].]]

You genty prod the sleeping sunbathing lady. She awakes confused, and takes off her sunglasses. "Who are you?" She asks. As she slowly wakes up, she realises she has lost something. "KEVIN!!!" She screams, "Where's KEVIN???" She grabs you by the lapels, "Please...you must help me find my son!! He's only 8 years old!!" "[[Of course I will help you look for him!]]" "[[Afraid you're on your own, mam - I have a social ladder to climb!]]"

You leave the lady to sleep. [[continue|stone steps]]

"Of course I will help you look for him! You stay here in case he comes back, I will go searching...." You say. "Thank you kind sir!" The woman says, her face wet with tears. (set:$status to $status+5)Social Status +5(set: $lady to "waiting") [[continue|stone steps]]

"No, I won't help you find your missing boy!" You say. Hysterical with anxiety, she runs off towards the promenade screaming the name "Kevin!!" (set: $lady to "gone") [[continue|stone steps]]

You set off to swim for the island. It's further that it seems! After 10 minutes swimming, it still doesn't appear to be any closer. (unless: $repellent is "taken")[Suddenly, you spot 5 fins circling around you. "Oh no!" You say, shaking your head sadly, "I'm not even suprised." The sharks attack without mercy, biting every limb off, before finally chomping off your little round bald head. Soon, all is quite, and all that's left is a blood-red sea with a pair of unfashionable glasses silently sinking to the bottom... GAME OVER](else:)[It takes you another half an hour of swimming before you finally come to the island - which really isn't an island, more of a small jagged rock. You climb out of the sea and sit there, and find it slippery with seaweed. [[continue|island]] ]

You are sat on a small jagged rock in the middle of the ocean. You can see the [[beach|stone steps]] in the distance. (unless: $boy is "gone")[There is a small boy here in swimming trunks.] (click: "small boy")["My names Kevin, and I'm lost!" He says. Rescue Boy [[Leave him to his fate]] ] (click: "Rescue Boy")[You pick the boy up and sling him over your shoulders. (set: $boy to "taken")]

"I bet I can swim back to England!" The boy says, looking up at you. "Go on then." You say. The boy dives into the water and starts to swim off into the distance. You make out 3 shark fins following him in the distance. (set: $bastard to $bastard+1)+3 Bastard Rating (set: $boy to "gone") [[continue|island]]

(unless: $lady is "gone")[ After a tough old swim back to shore, you finally make it back to the beach to find the anxious woman waiting with open arms. "YOU FOUND HIM!!" The lady screams in delight! She takes Kevin from you and slaps him round the face. You notice her breasts wobble up and down as she does so. "Don't you ever run off again young man!" She says, grabbing him by the wrist and dragging poor Kevin away for further punishment. (set: $status to $status+5)Social Status+5(set: $lady to "gone")(set: $boy to "gone") [[continue|stone steps]] ](else:)[You arrive back on the beach, the boy on your back. His mother has run off somewhere in a desperate search. Unsure of what to do, you let the boy down, and push him gently in the back. "Go! Run! You're free now!" You say. The boy looks up at your affection, and without saying a word, runs off into the sunset to start a new life. (set: $boy to "gone") [[continue|stone steps]] ]

"Finally! Someone to talk to!" Adrian says. He begins to relate his life story, all the time starting out to sea. You back away quietly, and unnoticed return to the bow of the yacht. (set: $adrian to "boring") [[continue|yacht]]

"Yes! Yes! You're right! Why am I wasting time?" Adrian says. He hands you his champagne cocktail.. (which you knock to the back of your throat... +4 Drunkeness). He then steps on to the railing of the yacht. "Farewell David! Please - put flowers on my grave." "Jump!" You say. Adrian swings his legs over the side, and you hear a splash... then nothing more. +10 Bastardness (set: $bastard to $bastard+10)(set: $drunk to $drunk+4)(set: $adrian to "dead") [[continue|sun deck]]

You take the battery charger from your pocket and shock Adrian with it. He stumbles back in pain and surprise, dropping his champagne cocktail... (which amazingly lands unspilt on the floor), and falling over the side of the yacht. "Man overboard!" You say quietly, but nobody hears you. +7 Bastardness(set: $adrian to "dead")(set: $cocktail to "boat") (set: $bastard to $bastard+7) [[continue|sun deck]]

You put the white bed sheet over your head. "Wooooooooooo!!!!!!" You say, waving your arms in the air. The thin woman shrieks and runs off. +3 Bastardness(set: $bastard to $bastard+3) (set: $thinwoman to "gone") [[continue|reception]]