the waves your mind [[create|9]]\n<<if $f gte 54>>aren't the least bit [[friendly,|9]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 55>>just [[filled|9]] with murky green water<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 56>>and debris, [[angry foam at the crests.|9]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 57>>thoughts [[barge|9]] in with bad intentions,<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 58>>interloping and [[playing with the strings|9]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 59>>of [[painful urges.|9]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 60>>they [[speed up|9]] your heart and breath<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 61>>and make you want them to [[stop|9]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 62>>[[altogether.|9]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 63>>they spin so quickly you [[lose balance|9]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 64>>and [[stumble]].<<endif>>
<<set $f = 0>>for [[flora]].
let me tell you [[this|6]]:\n<<if $f gte 39>>it's time-consuming [[to|6]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 40>>[[kill yourself|6]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 41>>[[like this]].<<endif>>
finding a way to [[hold|10]] onto the grass\n<<if $f gte 65>>because if you [[let go|10]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 66>>[[you'll fall|10]] off the earth<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 67>>[[feels|10]] safer<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 68>>but all it does is [[kill you sooner]].<<endif>>
[[you|13]]\n<<if $f gte 75>>[[are|13]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 76>>[[the|13]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 77>>[[smell|13]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 78>>[[before|13]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 79>>[[rain|13]]<<endif>>\n\n\n<<if $f gte 89>>flora is a very dear friend.<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 80>>best [[regards]].<<endif>>
[[i spend my days|2]]\n<<if $f gte 8>>with a [[boy|2]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 9>>a [[man|2]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 10>>whom i [[love|2]] far beyond reason<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 11>>and [[he holds me|2]] in his arms<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 12>>and holds me [[together]].<<endif>>
i am [[lonely|4]]\n<<if $f gte 24>>and even with [[a hand to hold,|4]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 25>>and even with a [[cloak of security|4]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 26>>[[bunching|4]] around my shoulders<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 27>>and [[hiding my thighs,|4]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 28>>i feel my fingers grasping at [[empty air|4]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 29>>because i am too [[ungratefully|4]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 30>>[[trapped|4]] in my head<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 31>>[[to remember|4]] that my love<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 32>>is [[holding my hand|4]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 33>>and [[reminding|4]] me more often<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 34>>than anyone should need [[to|4]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 35>>that [[i am loved]].<<endif>>
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display 'flora'>>
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display 'together'>>
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display 'since'>>
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display '...'>>
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display 'next'>>
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display 'like this'>>
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display 'thirteen'>>
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display 'burtonesque'>>
[[i have never gotten flowers since.|since]]
when i take my [[medication|5]] for the day,\n<<if $f gte 36>>it looks like an [[overdose|5]]-<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 37>>[[nine pills|5]] on average,<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 38>>maybe [[thirteen]] when things get bad.<<endif>>
For Flora
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display 'buoy'>>
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display 'atrophy'>>
and while you spend most of your time [[in bed,|8]]\n<<if $f gte 49>>the rest of the time is spent [[in your head.|8]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 50>>that's [[why|8]] you throw back those pills-<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 51>>it makes it a [[little bit less of a|8]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 52>>[[nightmarish landscape.|8]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 53>>a little less tim [[burtonesque]].<<endif>>
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display 'kill you sooner'>>
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display 'stumble'>>
<<set $f = $f + 1>><<display 'end'>>
<<if $f gte 0>>i am [[lonely|1]].<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 1>>i received [[flowers|1]] once<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 2>>and i [[placed them|1]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 3>>in a [[vase|1]] til<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 4>>[[the petals all browned|1]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 5>>[[desiccated|1]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 6>>and turned [[to dust|1]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 7>>on the glass of my [[bureau]].<<endif>>
you think your [[bones|11]] will save you\n<<if $f gte 69>>if they [[surface|11]] quickly enough.<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 70>>[[you swear your blood|11]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 71>>will act as a [[buoy]].<<endif>>
sometimes you just [[lie in bed|7]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 42>>because at least [[then|7]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 43>>you're keeping your head [[above water,|7]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 44>>at least [[then|7]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 45>>you're not [[destroying|7]] your body<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 46>>in [[nuclear warfare,|7]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 47>>just [[a battle of attrition.|7]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 48>>[[atrophy]].<<endif>>
i [[bite my nails|3]]\n<<if $f gte 13>>and [[pull my hair|3]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 14>>over the moment [[when he|3]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 15>>[[inevitably|3]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 16>>[[feels|3]] the disenchantment<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 17>>[[fall|3]] over his body,<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 18>>all [[clean lines|3]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 19>>and [[smooth shapes,|3]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 20>>and realises that [[leaving|3]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 21>>[[the worst thing|3]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 22>>[[would be|3]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 23>>[[the best thing.|next]]<<endif>>
Written by Flora\nCompiled by Andrew
[[instead|12]] you take your nine pills a day\n<<if $f gte 72>>and [[pray|12]] to a god who may or may not be listening<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 73>>that it will all [[just|12]]<<endif>>\n<<if $f gte 74>>[[stop]].<<endif>>\n