---------------^^Chapter 1: The Phantom Menace^^----------------
So! You want to go on an adventure huh? Of course you do! Or else you wouldn't be reading this shitty story! Anyway, Like all good stories, there has to be a beginning. I read on the internet rece- I mean... A book... I read in a book recently that all the best stories start at a bar, so that's where we find ourselves here. The seedier the better.
This lovely little shit hole is called the Salty Centaur, bar and grill. Located in the quaint little forest town of oakleaf, where life is tolerable, and parents pray every night that their children aren't carried away by wolves or giant bone hawks. Today the Salty Centaur is as busy as ever. Being on a crossroads, oakleaf gets much trade and traffic, and many adventurers visit the nearby guild for quests.
Now comes the part where I describe a couple of them and you choose which one you want to adventure as.
First up we have a badass looking seraphim, quietly drinking a keg of mead in the corner, sitting on a pile of other discarded mead kegs. Seraphim, are large winged warriors, with tails, and large clawed feet. it should be noted that he doesn't seem to be carrying a weapon. very strange for an adventurer, and a seraphim, as all seraphim strive to wield weapons often larger than themselves.
Next up we have a large orc sitting at one of the tables, casually strangling a gnome for spilling mead on his boots. Sheathed on the orcs back are twin massive battle axes that looks like they could fell a tree in one swing. The orc finishes strangling the gnome, and then unscrews his head off his neck. The orc then drinks all the blood from his body, as if drinking from a mug. Oh shit...he's looking over this way, uhhh... uhm.
Over here! away from that crazy orc we have a young human sitting at the bar and smoking, what i can only assume is, some of that diggity ding dong dank dub dub wizard weed, and tugging away at a wicked electric axe guitar. like...an actual battle axe, but with strings and pickups. listening closely you can hear him playing a sweet metal riff that fades into Metallica's "fade to black".
And lastly we have a lovely looking elf maiden giving a minotaur a nasty BJ...
That's right folks! If you're into that kind of thing you can choose to play your adventure as a slutty elf maiden, giving a minotaur a slobbery blow job. Judging by the bow and quiver lying on the ground next to her, that i assume are hers, she's probably an archer. I know, I know, it's a cliche, but im the author. So shut up and take what you get.
So! who do you want?
[[The Slutty Elf]]Ah! yes, The sharp clawed demon with feathery wings and a blatant disregard for human life... A fine choice!! Seraphim are known for their prowess, not only in physical battle, but in knowledge of magic as well. In Terra, Seraphim are hailed as some of the greatest warriors in the land, that rule from thier floating city in the sky. So naturally most of them are total assholes.
This Seraphim, known as the one and only, Sky Freely, finished off his 24th keg of ale and threw it across the tavern. the keg struck the head of a gnome that was just trying to drown out his sorrows. The keg then exploded into a million splinters that impaled the gnome....killing him instantly.
Sky Freely let out a 15 minute long burp. stood up and went to leave the bar.
"Hey!" Shouted the bartender. "You gotta pay for those kegs!" without even looking back, Sky used his lizard like prehensile tail to pick up a chair and whip it at the bartender, also killing him instantly. From the back room appeared another man, who made his way behind the bar with a broom. He swept away the dead body of the previous bartender and started cleaning glasses behind the bar with a wet rag.
After killing two innocent people in the span on 2 minutes, sky decided that it was time to do something productive. And theres nothing more productive than killing more stuff, and getting paid for it. Sky thought about all the money he could make as he made his way to the bounty board posted outside of the adventures guild.
"Which one should I take?" he thought to himself perusing the board.
[[Exterminate the goblin nest]]
[[exorcise the ghosts in the graveyard]]
[[slay the necromancer in his tower]]The barbarian! A wonderful choice. Whats better than getting your head twisted off like a bottle cap? Being the one that does the twisting of heads!! Barbarians are vile and uncivalized beings that hold battle over anything else. Barbarians are known to Fight hard, Drink hard, and FUCK...HARD!!!
The massive orc sits up from the table and heads towards the door, but just before he leaves.
"Hey buddy...you gotta pay for your drinks." yells the bartender. the orc turns around and stares at the bartender before pointing a finger towards himself as if to say "You mean me?"..."Yes you... whats your name!"
"Thrak's name is Thrak." said the barbarian and he walks up to the bar. "How much does Thrak owe..."
"12... you owe me twelve coi-" Said the barkeep before he was interupted by Thrak's mighty hand clasping the mans face, and picking him up off the ground.
"Thrak owes 12 pounds..." Said Thrak lifting the barkeep into the air even higher before Slamming the poor man into the bar with a heavy thud.
//pound// //pound// //pound//
Many pounds later, Thrak Tosses the barkeeps mangled body through a window and into an alleyway where stray cats would feast on his corpse for the next six days.
After havind his fill of meat, mead, and murder, Thrak then sauntered over to the adventurers guild to find a quest. After all, even Thrak knew the importance of money, even though he rarely pays for things. Thrak looked over the board and wondered which quest he should take
[[Thrak kill ghost]]
[[Thrak kill goblins]]
[[Thrak kill evil wizard man]]That bard's got some dope jams, and some dank grass. good choice! This Young human bard is named John Bardlin, a recent graduate of wizard college. He spoecializes in dope beats and sick spells. His magical axe guitar named "Slayer" is enchanted with a spell of "Get fucked", a very powerful and high class spell.
"Alright my man...i'm gonna bounce." said the bard getting up from the bar.
"Ah wait..." Said the bartender. "You forgot to pay."
"Ah..my bad dude...uh, i dont got any money, so how about a song?"
"hmmmm...." Pondered the old man. he had heard the bard playing earlier and the song almost gave his old man penis a boner. so he figured if he plays another song it would give him a full boner. "Alright you got a deal!"
"Dope..." said John before he belted out the sickest cover of Marvin Gaye's "Lets get it on". The power of the sick riffs gave all the men in the bar bonners, even the bartender. And all the ladies had to change their panties. as and added finisher, before he lef the bar he shot everybody in the bar the finger guns. This caused all the boners in the bar to explode, and all the ladies fainted, and never woke up.
After having rocked the shit out of that bar, John figured it was time to make some sweet Moola. And thus he made his way down to the adventurers guild to peruse the job board to make some cash. When he got there he looked over the board at the different jobs.
[[Rock some ghosts]]
[[rock some goblins in a cave]]
[[rock an old man wizard in a tower]]The elf huh? sure...okay. The world of Terra is largely inhabited by many races, and few are as brilliant and as beautiful as the elves. This particular elf is called Lillin Hardwood, And she is a Succubus. Despite being an elf on the outside, on the inside Lillin is a demon that steals mens souls through their penises.
The elf continued to suck off the minotaur untill it let out a mighty yell, which cross faded into a scream. The elf sucked out all of the semen, and soul energy from the minotaur as he shriveled up like a raisin. Lillin wiped her lips and picked up her bow and quiver.
"Thanks for the meal, big boy." She said as she turned around to leave the bar.
"Come back anytime lillin!" Said the bartender as he waved goodbye, cheeks blushing brightly. Lillin turned around and gave the bartender a wink. "My stars...she noticed me." He said before fainting and later falling victim to a serious heart attack that would unfortunately claim his life.
As Lillan walked down the road she decided that it was a time for a change of pace, and maybe put a little walking money in her pocket while she's at it. And theres no better place for making money than at the adventurers guild. Lillan quickly approached the guild and found herself at the quest board.
[[Banish a ghost in the graveyard]]
[[Eradicate a nest of goblins]]
[[Kill a necromancer in his tower]]"A goblin nest huh?" thought sky. Goblins are gross, perverted, and smell really bad. Killing goblins is usually a quest given to noobs, but a whole nest of them is a tough challenge, so theres no shame. Sky ripped the notice off the board and headed into the forest.
A few seconds passed because he can fly and flying is a great way to get around these days. Sky landed at the foot of the cave where the goblins made their nest and spotted three goblins playing poker on a stump in front of the cave. Sky knew that it would be best to take out the goblins quickly so that they dont disturb the nest, and he knew exactly how.
"Royal harem!" one goblin shouted.
"Jerry, thats not even a real hand, and thats not even a king, thats a joker. how did you get that? we took them out."
suddenly Sky leapt from the bushes into the clearing with amazing speed and held out both arms. He clotheslined two goblins so hard that his arms cut their heads off like a guillotine. he then leapt into the air and landed a mighty dropkick on the third goblin. The force of the dropkick was so strong that it launched the goblin into the sky, where he then achieved escape velocity, broke through the stratosphere, and exploded in the cold vacuum of space.
Without even standing back up, Sky then transitioned into a gnarly headspin windmill kick and flew into the cave like a mobile blender. before the goblins knew what hit them, a whirling dervish of death flew threw the cave shredding the goblins to pieces. Sky racked up and impressive 372 hit combo before finally stopping in a large room at the back of the cave. Standing there in the back was a very large goblin wearing a crown made out of sticks.
"Intruder!" Bellowed the goblin "You stand before I...Nilbog, the goblin king!"
"Nilbog..? Man, thats a dumb name." Retorted Sky "Nilbog is just goblin spelled backwards dude."
"SHUT UP AND WHITNESS MY FURY!!!" Shouted the goblin leaping towards Sky and throwing a mighty right hook.
He blocked it.
[[ULTIMATE DEATH KICK!!!]]
[[Hit this dudes ass with magic boi]]Ghosts?! Ghosts are really spooky, but the money is pretty good, plus the graveyard is far so you dont gotta travel far. Sky rip's the bullitin off the board and shove it into your pocket. You leap into the air and with your large wings, fly over to the graveyard
2 seconds later Sky arived at the graveyard...which was like, just outside of town, you could have like...walked dude. whatever. He reach the graveyard, and wait eagerly for any ghosts to show up. Unfortunately its like the middle of the day and ghosts only show up at night.
Several hours later...
After some time, the sun sets and night falls over the graveyard. A thick mist rolls in and covers the ground of the graveyard. a cool breeze blows through the air and if you listen closely you can almost hear it say "Haaaaauuuuuunnnnteeeeeddd!!!"
"Oh shit was that a ghost?" Sky say whipping around quickly, knowing that ghosts like to scare people from behind.
"Yyyooouuurreee aaaaa liiiittttlllleeeee bbbiiiiiitttccchhhh" said that spooky cool breeze. Wait a minute...The wind cant talk.
"Come out you ghost." Sky demanded pointing a finger into the fog. suddenly from the thick misty veil emerger the phantom of an old man, completely naked. the old mans ghostly ballsack hangs low and blows in the breeze...spooky
"I am the ghost of the graveyard...and I haunt this bitch straight up dog, you dont wanna flex with me boi." Said the ghost as he flexed his gross old man muscles. The ghost wasnt even ripped or anything, he was just old and wrinkly, and still very naked.
[[dropkick the ghost]]
[[rip the ghosts nuts off]]
[[exorcise the ghost with a sacred holy ritual]]Ah! A necromancer in a tower, Classic! Having much experience slaying wizards of varrying skill, Sky chose this one. Plus Wizards usually have a bunch of cool loot up in those towers awayway. Sky pulled the quest off the board and made his way to the necromancers tower. Having wings it didnt take long to find the tower and fly there.
Once there, he though it would be a good idea to sneak into a window from the top than go in through the front door. Sky floated his way down and peaked his head through the window at the top of the tower. Inside he could see the old necromancer standing over a table. On the table laid the stitched up body of a young and bootylicious woman, obviously a corpse.
"Now my sweet... Rise....RISE!!!" shouted the necromancer as dark clouds covered the sky and bolts of lighting struck the tower. 'Raining blood' Began to play and the lightning surged through the tower and struck the womans dead body. "Yeeeheheeheeheeee" Cackled the necromancer. The thunder and heavy metal lasted for several more minutes before everything went quiet. Suddenly the eyes on the woman burst open and she shot up on the table.
"good morning...or whatever" Said the corpse lady with a heavy sigh and a roll of the eyes.
"Good morning sweet cheeks." Said the necromancer giving his corpse wife a peck on the cheek. "now get down on your knees and-" The necromancer started but was soon cut off with a mighty drop kick delivered by Sky Freely who had burst through the window.
"Not so fast dicklord!!!" Shout Sky. The necromancer went flying and blew through the wall of the tower and hit the ground. From bellow the sound of the front door opening could be heard. then a bunch of footsteps running up the stairs.
"Who the fuck are you?!" Said the necromancer, kicking open the door to the top room.
"I'm here to stop your evil black magic."
"Ugh...Finally!" Exclaimed the corpse lady. "About time, ive had to be this creepy old dudes wife for like five days. All he does is summon demons and make them dance, he doesnt even, like, do anything cool with them." Complained the big breasted corpse woman. "And dont even get me started with how bad this limp dick is in bed. It took him 2 hours to get it up last night, and before we could even do anything he passed out and went to bed."
"You promised never to talk abouit my penile dysfunction problems..." Shouted the necromancer, a single tear rolling down his eye.
[[Bully him, then fuck his wife]]Sky lept forward and executed a perfect double rotation helix kick. unfortunately because the enemy is a ghost, sky just passed right through his ghost body.
"yeeheeheeheehee!" Cackled the ghost. "You cant touch me boi, im a ghost. you cant fucking hit ghosts."
"Ah!" Said Sky. "I forgot to apply my buffs."
"Shamma hamma lah!" Said Sky as his body began to glow with holy light. "Lets try this again. Sky delivered the same double rotation helix kick, this time succsessfuly kicking the ghost in the taint and sending him into the air.
Sky began to pull off his 68 hit ariel combo. Sky pulled off a mid air huricanrana, sending the ghost rocketing towards the ground. The old ghost slammed into the ground with a mighty boom. Sky brought his wings back together and began to fall from the sky like a meteor. Holy flames enveloped his body and he plummeted towards the earth, sticking out both legs for a mighty dropkick.
"Oh shit!" said the ghost. But it was too late, the kick connected and a massive holy explosion rocked the graveyard. The ghost was sent rocketing through the earths core, directly into hell. Sky stood up and left the completely destroyed graveyard.
"Fucking ghosts." He said as he left.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Sky return to town3]] "Get fucked ghost!" Shouted sky.
"Nah dude...YOU get fucked." The old ghost held up his hands and started to cast ghost magic. unfortunately for the ghost Sky maxed out his AGI and leapt towards the ghost, enchanting his legs, so that he could hurt ghosts. He performed a vicious rising windmill kick. Sky's clawed feet tore the ghosts ghost skin, and he began to bleed ghost blood. "Ow my skin!" Shouted the ghost.
Sky then enchanted his fists and began to box the fuck out of the ghost. he threw a vicious uppercut and then juggled the ghost in the air with a 35 hit combo of kicks and jabs. Sky's combo meter filled up and he activated his ultimate
"Get fucked!!" He shouted. Still in the air, he grabbed the ghost by the nuts and began to spin him around. the ghost screamed in pain until his sack ripped off from his body and the ghost went flying into a gravestone.
"Noooooo!" wailed the ghost. "My nuts were...the source, of...my...power." He ghasped out as his body began to disolve and disappear. his gostly essence blew away in the wind, like a fart in the wind.Sky wiped the ectoplasm from his hands and returned to Oakleaf.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Sky return to town3]] Sky held up his hands and white light began to glow from the palms of his hands and eyes. strange markings began to float in the air around him. the fog began to dissipate around him. the ghost started to reel back, feeling hurt by the holy magic.Sky began to chant in a strange language. the light began to grow brighter and brighter.
"HEY NOW!" he shouted in a deep voice. "YOU'RE AN ALLSTAR!! GET YOUR GAME ONE..." suddenly the clouds above started to part and beams of light started to shine from the heavens. the sounds of thnder and church music began to fill the air
Suddenly a massive hand reached down from the heavens and grabbed the ghost. The poor ghost immediately disintigrated the second the hand wrapped its fingers around his form. The ghost died screaming as the hand was pulled back up into the clouds.
"Thanks God." Said sky.
"No problem dude." A loud voice boomed across the sky. The giant hand gave Sky the thumbs up before disappearing behind the clouds once again. The hole closed up in the clouds and the graveyard went back to its original spooky self.
With a happy smile, sky returned to town.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Sky return to town3]]Ghosts, The one thing Thrak hates almost as much as magic is stuff that wont stay dead. Espoecially if its stuff that Thrak killed. The large barbarian ripped off an entire chunk of the bounty board where the notice was posted and put the whole thing in his pack and left.
The local graveyard was not far outside of town. Thrak is unfortunately very bad at directions, and it took him a full 8 hours before he found the graveyard. In that time he sauntered through town, killed some guys, broke a lot of stuff, and took a dope nap. By the time he reached the graveyard it was already the dead of night.
"Ghosts show yourself before Thrak, so that Thrak may kill you a second time." Demanded thrak as he lifted his hands into the air, beconing the spirits. He stood like this for about 30 mintutes before he got pissed and started kicking over grave stones. Suddenly a skeleton rose from one of the desecrated graves.
"Hey man!" said the skeleton getting thraks attention. "That's my grave dude, im just trying to sleep in eternal peace and you come barging in and trampling my stuff? Not cool dude, you're gonna have to pay for this to get it restored and tha-" The skeleton was cut off as Thrak grabbed his whole skull in the palm of his hand and crushed it into dust. Other skeletons that had risen out of their graves saw this happen, and decided to re-bury themselves.
"Hey man... What the fart are you doing?!" Shouted a ghastly voice from behind a large grave. Soon the pale figure of a naked old man floated from out behind the grave. "Dude, not cool. you cant just desicrate graves like that."
"Ghost!!!" Bellowed Thrak pointing a finger at the ghost.
"Orc!!" Said the ghost, doing the same. "See, doesnt feel good, does it? Dont be racist dude."
"Thrak here to kill ghost."
"Oh yeah?! And how are you gonna do that big guy? Huh? I'm a mothah fuckin' ghost dude." The ghost started getting his eagle on as snoop played in the background. "I'm a mothah fucken' 'D' 'O' double Ghost."
[[Axe chop the ghost]]
[[Burn the ghosts grave]]Goblins are very annoying and horny creatures. Thrak hates goblins just as much as he hates magic and dead things... come to think of it Thrak hates everything equally. The massive orc Ripped off the chunk of the bounty board where the quest was, and crushed it in his hands. He turned around and immediately departed into the forest.
Several days later Thrak found his way to the goblin cave. The cave was just a 2 hour walk into the woods, but Thrak is very bad at directions. Thrak walked up to the massive goblin cave and saw two goblins standing guard outside the cave entrance.
"so yeah, and then I showed him my penis..." Said one goblin. "And that's why Nilbog made me stand guard outside of the cave for three days."
"Dude... What are you even talking about?" Asked the second goblin. The two goblins had a moment of breif silence.
"So do you wanna see my penis?" Asked the first goblin again before he was suddenly grabbed by the skull and thrown into the air by Thrak.
"Thank Gob!" Exclaimed the second goblin before Thrak grabbed him as well and tossed him into the air. The two goblins collided in the sky and exploded in like fireworks. The firework explosion spelled out the words 'Fuck Goblins'. Thrak then brute forced his way into the cave, cleaving goblins in half several at a time. Soon he reached the back room where there stood a large goblin.
"Foolish barbarian! You dare intrude upon the lair of Nilbog the goblin king?!" Bellowed the large muscular goblin. He was wearing tattered rags and a crown made out of sticks. He had a tattoo on his left arm of a heart with the word 'Dad' in it. "If you're ready to bust into this cave then you better be ready to catch these hands boy." Said Nilbog raising his fists in a boxing possition.
[[Box the goblin]]
[[Wrestle the goblin]]A necromancer in the tower, a tale as old as time itself. But Thrak isnt concerned with lame cliche's. Thrak knows one thing and one thing only and that is "Thrak hate magic". Yes its true, Thrak hates magic of all kinds. he says it is "for pussy's". as he rips the paper from the board he mumbles to himself "Puny magic man shall die.". And die he shall, for the wizards tower is but a few hours walk from town.
A few hours later Thrak arived at the wizards tower. The tower was old and decrepit but still stood tall and firm. Thrak walked up to the door of the tower and knocked politely. after exactly 3 seconds Thrak grew impatient and shoved his fist through the door and ripped it off the hinges. Thrak then threw the door into the forest and walked into the tower.
The tower was a far cry from the vissage outside. The inside was well kept and strangely tidy. Many bookshleves and cabinets lined the walls, packed with old tomes and glowing potions. Thrak heard a noise in the corner and turned his head to see the Wizard mid masturbation.
"Holy shit dude! you should have knocked" Panicked the wizard as he tried to tuck his penis back into his robe.
"Thrak did knock."
"You should have knocked louder!!"
"Thrak did knock louder." Said Thrak. "Thrak is here to Kill tiny perverted wizard man."
"Pfft, yeah right dude." said the wizard as he conjured a purple spell which surrounded him in a magic barrier. "I'm a fucking wizard dude... you cant kill me bitch, I got magic fo' days." the wizard then raised his hands and a purple shield covered him.
[[Crush the wizards skull]]
[[Cut the wizard in half]]
[[Piledrive the wizard]]Hell yeah, ghosts are metal as fuck. 'This should give me some pretty good inspiration' Though john as he tore the wuest paper off the board. He shoved the paper in his pocket and mozied on down the roads. John knew that ghosts only came out during the night, so he had some time to kill.
Several hours later...
Night had come and John was swiftly making his way to the graveyard, not wanting to pass up and all this ghost action. By the time he arived the moon was hanging high in the air, not a clout in sight. A thick fog rolled in and covered the ground. A cold wind blew through the air, and if you listened carefully you could almost hear somebody talking.
"you're guitar skills are weak bro..." Whispered a ghostly voice, as if coming from all around John.
"Oh hell no brah..." John growled as he raised his guitar. "Reveal yourself you spooky ass ghost bitch!" He boomed as he struck a powerful major E power chord. The fog dissapated and from behind a tombstone floated the ghostly visage of an old man, completely naked. The old mans gross wrinkly ballsack swung back and forth hypnotically...truly terrifying.
"You call that a guitar...looks more like a battle axe to me."
"that- thats because it is a battle axe..." Stammered John. "Its a battle axe //and// a guitar."
"Thats...." Said the ghost.
"Dont say it...."
"I said dont..."
"Thats it you ghost ass fuck." shouted john throwing his hands in the air. "I was gonna come here and excorcise you with a sweet ballad, but no more...no... your death will be righteous...IT'LL BE BIBLICAL!!! And most importantly, its gonna be fucking rad."
[[Rock the ghost into the underworld]]
[[Fuck him up->Make his dick explode]]Goblins are vile and disgusting creatures. Often do they invade towns, rape crops and pillage townsfolk. Destroying a nest of goblins would be a quest most righteous, plus it would make a killer song. John ripped the nottice off the board and made his way out of town and into the forest.
Hours passed as john strummed his magic axe guitar and worked out how he was going to make his epic goblin slaying song. Soon enough he came upon the goblins cave. out front sat three goblins playing poker on a stump.
"Fire it up boys!" shouted John as he began to play all the guitar parts from 'Through the fire and flames' All on his own like a fucking God. As he did large flamming elementals in the form of giant snakes rose from the ground and devoured the three goblins.
"But...i was winning." said one goblin before he was eaten.
"We're all losers in the end man." replied john as he made his way into the cave still shredding the fuck out of that guitar. He walked through the cave like it aint no thang, as large flamming vipers devoured every goblin in sight.
Finally john found himself in the back of the cave in a large room. There stood a large muscular goblin behind a set of drums. the goblin had bright purple hair and a tattoo of a heart with the word "Dad" in it.
"I heard those sweet riffs comming from down the cave bro." Said the large goblin. "My name is Nilbog, and I wanna jam out with you bro." The goblin let loose a mighty drum solo that shook the very cave itself.
[[Jam with him]]
[[Rock his socks off]]A creepy old necromancer huh? That should make for a pretty dope ballad. John grabbed the quest off the board and headed out of town. It took a few hours to reach the necromancers tower, but the trail was easy to follow since the tower peaks high above the cannopy. John had just finished a 3 hour long solo when he finally arived at the tower.
The tower itself wasnt all too impresive. It was tall and sturdy yes, but also very rickety and weather beaten. Around the base of the tower laid piles and piles of bones. Suddenly a dark purple mist covered the ground and the bones rose into the air. they began to swirl around until they took the form of a massive bone goliath, half as tall as the tower.
"John bardlin..." A creepy voice rand out in john's head. "You think you cn come here and defeat me, you are sorely mistaken."
"How do you know my name? and how did you know i was coming dude?" Asked john, getting ready for battle.
"I'm a fucking wizard man, i got connections man, the bones tell me many things... also i could hear you belting out that solo from like a mile away dude, you werent very stealthy."
"Vile necromancer!" John shouted, stumming a wicked drop D power chord. "Show yourself!"
"Fuck you..." Said the necromancer poking his head from the top of the tower. "Whats the point of being a powerful necromancer if i cant get my goons to beat guys up for me... Bone goliath beat that guy up for me, then bring me his bones."
"Yes...Master..." Stuttered the large goliath as his eyes lit up with purple flame.
[[Chop them bones up]]
[[Sing the Goliath a power ballad]]
[[Drop the tower on him]]Thrak made a fist and punched a hole right through the fucking shield and grabbed the wizzard by his head. Thrak's entire hand was so massive that it fit easily around the wizards head.
"Ack...W-wait!" Said the wizard, struggling. "If you dont crush my skull ill give you whatever you want."
"Hmmm..." Thrak considered this. "What does tiny wizard man have that Thrak want."
"I got M-magic yo! I can pull some crazy wiz biz for ya." Said the wizard, who was now bleeding from the eyes, ears, nose, and strangely, the butthole, but that could just be the hemorrhoids.
"Hmm..." Thrak pondered this for several hours then deiced. "Nah... Thrak is good." He said as he crushed the Necromancers skull in his hand. After throwing the necromancers corpse out of the tower, he began to loot the tower. After shoving all of his loot into his comically oversized bag, Thrak headed back to town.
[[Back to Oakleaf->Return to Oakleaf Thrak3]] Thrak Raised a sigle axe and brought it down on the necromancers shield. The force alone shattered the necromancer's shield, cutting him in half from head to taint.
"God Damnit!" Said both halves of the necromancer simultaneously. The two halves grabbed eachother and pulled themselves together to form one whole necromancer again. "Son of a bitch dude!" Shouted the Necromancer as he clumsily waddled his way over to a desk holding himself together. Once he got to the desk he began rummaging around.
"Vampire taint...No. Owl kidneys...still no. Screaming dagger..." The necromancer pulled out a dagger from the desk and as he did the blade let out a horrible scream.
"OH GOD THE PAIN!!! AAAAAAAHHHH AH GOD SOMEBODY AAAAHHHHH!!!"
"hehehe, no." The necromancer chuckled before tossing the dagger to the other side of the room. "Ah! Here it is." The necromancer said as he pulled out a roll of duct tape from the desk. He began to tape himself back together. All the while Thrak watched on in confusion.
"Why does pervy wizard man not die when Thrak cuts him in half."
"Thats because im already an undead zombie you foolish barbarian!" Cakled the wizard. Thrak stared into the distance for several more minutes before a lightbulb flashed above his head with a 'Ding!'
"OOOOOHHHH." He said, putting his fist in his palm. He rehached back and unsheathed his second battleaxe and with both axes in hand the started to clash the two of them together. As he did this Thra'ks eyes seem to glow brightly, and soon black flames burst from his eye sockets and mouth. Slayer's 'Raining blood' began to play.
The clashing of the two axes caused sparks, and then more sparks, until suddenly the two axes caught fire. Thrak lifted both axes into the air and smashed them down on the floor, causing the whole tower to be engulfed in flames.
"W-w-what kind of power is this?!" Stammered the necromancer as he pee'd himself.
"If chopping doesnt work...Then Thrak must chop harder!!!" He said lifting one of the axes into the air again, above the necromancer.
"Mommy~" Whimpered the necromancer as Thrak brought down the axe on him. Not only cutting the necromancer in half and instantly turning his corpse into ash, but aslo cutting the whole tower in half as well. After several minutes of rampaging Thrak decided that the tower was boring and stupid, and returned to town.
[[Back to oakleaf->Return to Oakleaf Thrak3]] Thrak Reached out his mighty hand and easily broke through the purple barrier around the necromancer. His hand gripped tightly over the wizards throat, he lifted him up in the air and choke slammed him into the ground.
"Heheheheheee, foolish barbarian!" Cackled the necromancer. "You'll have to try harder than that."
"Who said Thrak was done?" grumbled the barbarian as he lifted the necromancer up again. Over the course of the next three hours Thrak choke slammed the necromancer over every piece of furniture in the tower, breaking them all.
Living room sofa? Choke slammed!
Bedroom dresser? Choke slammed!
That lovely coffee table that the necromancer's grandmother gave him? Double choke slammed!!!
"N-no...Not the coffee table." Said the necromancer in a weak voice. Thrak was left breathless having slammed this old mans ass into every piece of furniture in the tower. "See! you'll never kill me! keekeekekekekekeke." Cackled the necromancer again. Suddenly Thrak's eyes caught on fire, and black flames started to pour out of his mouth.
"There is...One more thing." Said Thrak in a deep demonic voice. He quickly rushed up the stairs of the tower and lept out the first window he saw. In an amazing feet of dexterity, which is heavily unbecoming of his character and build, Thrak grabbed the shingles of the roof and launched him self into the air, high above the tower.
Necromancer in hand, Thrak wound up and killer strike out pitch and threw the necromancer into the tower, destroying both completely. The shokewave from the throw knocked over all the trees in a 50 meter radius. Thrak landed on the ground in a cool iron man pose, and scored full points.
"Thrak bored now." Said the orc as the flames extinguished from his eyes and mouth.
[[Back to Oakleaf->Return to Oakleaf Thrak3]] Sky whipped around and delivered a devestating reverse roundhouse, but Nilbog cold blacked that shit. Sky was surprised, that was the first time anybodyha dever blocked one of his round houses and didnt get their arms broken. The two of them stared at eachother for a while, untill they suddenly disappeared.
The two of them started DBZ fighting in the cave, jumping and flying all around, clashing with kicks and punches. While the fight was going on a young elf boy from the village happened to casually stumble into the cave, hoping it might be full of treasure. The second he stepped into the room he was immediately torn to shreds from all the punches and kicks flying around the room.
Fortunately for Sky, Nilbog landed where that young elf had been standing, and he slipped on the elves viscera. Sky leapt off the wall of the cave, rocketing towards Nilbog. He did a tripple quintuple helix flip and landed a devestating Ultimate kick, which Sky wsould later name "Flying Huricane Death Blossom"
The goblins body shook violently, before instantly turning into dust and blowing away on the cave wind. If you listened closely you could almost hear the wind say 'ouch dude...'. Sky let out a heavy sigh and left the cave, returning to town.
[[Return to Oakleaf->sky return to town2]] Sky retaliated with a heavy punch to the goblins abbs, but Nilbog counter punched and their firsts collided, sending a shockwave through the cave. Both of the fighters slid back, super cool like, and started to stare at eachother. 'The good the bad and the ugly' started to play and the two leapt at eachother.
They began to throw punch after punnch at eachother. Jabs, hooks, haymakers...every kind of punch was thrown down in that dirty ass cave. The bralw lasted for three days and three nights, only stopping to take bathroom breaks. At some point a crowd of people had gathered, and they watched this ultimate showdown.
Sky bided his time waiting for his oportunity to strike the killing blow, when he suddenly found it. Nilgob went under for an uppercut, but Sky dodged that shit. He stepped back, and delivered a crazy spinning backhand to Nilbog's left temple. The impact shattered the goblins skull, and a piece of bone sliced a lobe of his brain, sending him into a coma from which he would never wake up from.
With the battle won, Sky picked up nilbogs body and tossed it into the crowd. The blood frenzied crowd began to use his body like a beach ball, and eventually hung him up on the wall with a sign that says "Loser".
Sky dusted off his hands and left the cave, returning to town.
[[Return to oakleaf->sky return to town2]] After cold blocking that guys wicked punch, Sky retaliated with a bolt of holy magic. The holy bolt soared toward nilbog but he punched that shit right out of the air. The two of them started to stare at eachother, old western style.
Suddenly Sky began to shoot off holy bolts like a fucking machine gun, and Nilbog punched them all out of the sky. Dust began to pick up in the cave, and Sky began to throw magic punches. Magic punches are like regular punches, but you use magic to extend the reach of your fist. Soon Sky couldnt take it any more, he was getting pissed.
Sky put his hands together and started to gather energy in his palms. Nilbog saw his opportunity and started to throw punches like mad crazy. Sky just took them all like a fucking man while he charged his finishing blast.
"Fuck YOU!!!" Sky shouted as he released the massive well of energy, concentrating it into a terrifying beam of holy light. The blast of light quickly boiled all the flesh off of Nilbogs bones, his organs liquified and his bones turned to ash.
"Ouchies..." Said Nilbogs charred skeleton, as he let out a cough of smoke. His skeleton fell apart and sounded like a xylophone. "God damnit..." Said the burnt skull of Nilbog.
Sky dusted off his hands and turned to leave the cave...
[[Return to Oakleaf->sky return to town2]]Ghosts is it? Dead things are usually gross and creepy, but you never know. Maybe its the ghost of a handsome young boy that needs some 'help' passing on. Lillin thought these things as she grabbed the quest off the board and headed into town. She still had some time to kill, because it was the middle of the day, and everybody knows that ghosts only show up at night.
Several hours later...
Lilin made her way out of town and into the nearby graveyard. It was now fully night outside, and the cool midnight breeze flowed through her hair. As she walked into the graveyard and thick fog covered the round and another cool breeze whipped by. If you listened closely you could hear it say: "Daaaayyyyyuuuummmmm guuuurrrlllll~"
"I heard there was a big scary ghost out here." Said Lillin as she seductively showed off a bit of her upper leg.
"Boing!!! There it is!" shouted a voice as the incorporeal form of an old man, completely nude, manifested before the elf. Lillin whiched at the wretched vission of his wrinkled old ballsack. "Heeeyyy baby~ welcome to the boooone yeard, yeeheeheeheehee~" said the ghost, now fully erect and humping the air vigorously.
Lillin stood there, motionless, staring at the old mans low hanging ballsack as it swung back and forth hypnotically. The young elf might be a succubus but even she has her standards, besides she doesnt even need to have sex with ghosts to eat their souls.
[[Eat his soul]]
[[Sexecute him]]Goblins huh? Goblins are weak and pitiful, plus they've all got small penises. Knowing this Lillin isnt very interested in taking their souls, but the quest pays well. She rips the notice off the board and heads deep into the woods. Being an elf, she skillfully strides the tree tops until she reaches the goblins cave. Outside of the cave sit three boglins playing poker on a tree stump.
"Full house!" shouted one of the goblins.
"Jerry we told you, you cant play anymore, you ran out of money." Retorted one of the other goblins.
"C'mon guys, you know im good for the money."
"Dude you've owed us money for the last month now."
"Yeah jerry, this is why we dont play with you." The small goblin jerry, held his head down low and shed a seingle tear. Suddenly an arrow tore its way through the air and pierced the goblins skull killing him instantly.
"Good riddance..." Said the other goblin as the two of them returned to their game of poker.
"Hey wait a minute..." Said the goblin before two more arrows pierced both goblins in their skulls, killing them as well.
"Don't mind if i help myself to the pot..." said Lillin making her way over to the stump. "Thank boy's for the-... what the heck, these are just a bunch of rocks." She said looking down at the stump littered with playing cards and small rocks. "Fucking goblins...". Lillin stepped away froim the goblins and made her way into the cave.
She fired arrows relentlessly as she walked her way into the cave, hips swaying and booty jiggling like it aint no thang. Soon enough she found her way to the back of the cave where a very large and muscular goblin stoon, dressed in nothing but a loincloth.
"Foolish elf!" Shouted the goblin. "You stand before Nilbog the goblin king! I will defeat you here, and make you my sexy ass wife meat."
"Awwww hell naw big guy." Said Lillin, all sassy, as she place a hand on her hip. "Sorry big boy but you cant handle these lushious lady lumps." Lillin wagged her finger 'No'.
[[Shoot his dick with an arrow]]
[[Kill him with booty magic]]
[[Fuck the goblin king]] ~(you sick fuck)Mmm, mecromancers eh? usually most wizards are old creepy perverts, and necromancers are even worse. So with Lillin's tig ol bitties and bootylicious back meat, this quest should be no problem. She tore the quest from the board and swaggered her way out of town.
A few hours later...
Soon Lillin made her way up to the necromancers tower. The tower was massive and sturdy, even if it was old and weather beaten. She knew this was the place because of the strong pressence of death magic hanging in the air. Also there was a sign above the door that read 'Necromancers tower'. Lillin pushed open the door and walked into the base of the tower.
"The tower was littered with old books and faintly glowing potions. The elf made her way to the other side of the room and began ascending the stairs leading to the top. Once at the top of the tower the elf peeked her head into the large room. Sure enough there was the necromancer... Masturbating in the corner to a picture of a sexy werewolf babe.
"Dude gross..." Said lillin, walking into the room.
"EEEEEEK!" The necromancer let out a shrill girly shriek, and threw the picture under the covers and quickly stood up. "What the he-he-he-hehehehehellooooo~ baby." The necromancer recovered quickly and shot lillin the finger guns. The old mans penis poked out from between his robes as if to say 'hello pretty lady, please come play with me'. "So, what brings a sweet cut of booty meat like you up to the ol' NT?"...thats necromancers tower.
"I've uh, come here to kill you..." Lillin said, distracted by the strange ungulating of the mans half erect penis.
"Oh really? thats a bummer... I was thinking, maybe like, if you wanted to go, like, to the park or something?"
"mmmm, Nah dude..."
[[Kick his ass]]
[[Eat the necromancer's soul]]
[[Botty clap him to death]]"Alright dude, but you gotta keep up!" Said john as he started to pluck faster and faster on the guitar, breaking out into a sweet solo. Nilbog started to thrash away on the drums, twirling his sticks all over the place. John began to play every solo from every slayer song ever while Nilbog got down on his hands and knees and used his hands to belt out a never before see ''quadruple'' bass drum solo.
John suddenly threw off all of his clothes and started to play the solo from green grass and high tides forever...with his penis. Nilbog followed suit using his two gross goblin dicks as drum sticks. All of the goblins that John had slain in the cave were all brought back to life as goblin skeletons.
The skeletons started skanking and doing windmills. Three skeletons were playing keep away with another skeletons skull. Suddenly john began to play 'Raining blood' as lightning shot from his fingertips. The skelletons went full riot and started a mosh pit. Nilbog and John started to play 'i am machine' by thee days grace, and the skeleton crowd lost...their...shit.
Three weeks later, and the rock fuck session started to come to an end. Most of the skeletons were dead, having been torn to bone chips in the mosh pit, or dougie'd their bones into dust. Finaly the sick fucking metal had come to an end.
"Sweet sech bro." Said Nilbog.
"Yeah dude, i'll catch you around." Said john and the two of them fist bumped. John turned around and left the cave.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Back to Oakleaf John2]]"Nah dude, I only jam with the raddest." John said, plucking away at his guitar. "If you wanna rock, then you gotta roll first... I challenge you nilbog!" He said, acentuating his point with a finely tuned G cord. Nilbog needn't reply, he simply started to belt out a sick drum solo.
John followed suit strumming the guitar. He started to play every solo from every high on fire song all at once. Nilbog thrashed wildly on the drums. John held the guitar behind his head and played the breakdown from metalica's spit out the bone. Nilbog started to beat out a thunderous double bass drum solo.
Suddenly john let a note linger. John put some wah wah pedal on it, and the reverberations caused the cave to rumble and quake. Keeping suit, Nilbog picked it up from a double bass solo, to a ''Triple'' bass solo, using his dick to work the third pedal.
As John started to work out the solo from 'Critical Acclaim' energy began to build up in the neck of the guitar. the strings began to glow and sparks started to shoot from his finger tips. Nilbog awfully aware of this energy began to grow concered and slowed his pace. The energy grew and grew until finally.
"Metaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllll''AH''!!!!!!"John shouted out with an 80's hair metal band scream. as he did a giant beam of energy cum eruted from the head of the guitar. The thick stream of energy completely disintegrated the flesh from Nilbog's body. when the energy fadded all that was left was the burnt skeleton on Nilbog. Nilbog's skeleton let out a cough and some smoke came out.
"I'm just... I'm just gonna go lie down for a bit." Said the burnt skeleton in a very dry and raspy voice. He stood up and walked over to a corner of the cave where he curled up in the fetal position. John stroked the neck of his guitar then left the cave.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Back to Oakleaf John2]] Nilbog let out a hearty laugh and Lillin just rolled her eyes. She quickly pulled out her bow and fired an arrow towards the goblin king.
"Hah!" Shouted Nilbog as the blocked the arrow with his sword. "You'll have to do better than than that!"
*Thwak* went Lillin's unexpected second arrow, piercing Nilbog's loincloth and pinning his dick to his thigh.
"Bulls eye~" Chirped Lillin as she gave the goblin a wink. Nilobg rolled around on the ground, clutching his crotch in pain.
"Fuck! Shit! oh God fuck shit damn ass titties, you fucking bitch fuck!" Said nilbog, letting out some rather hurtful swears. He continued to roll around and swear over the course of the next 2 hours while Lillin looted the cave.
"Bye bye~" She said as she blew the goblin a kiss and left the cave, loot in hand. Nilbog would continue to writhe in the cave for three more hours before bleeding out.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Lillin back to oakleaf2]] Without Lillin turned around and started to get her eagle on. Her mysterious movement was a combination of twerking and belly dancing. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head and strange black marking began to appear on her body.
"W-what are you doing?" Asked Nilbog, as he could feel a dark pressence fill the cave. Suddenly Lillin spoke in a voice that was soft, but echoed throughout the cave.
"Shut em' down, open up shop." She said as she slammed her booty on the ground one final time, causing a rift to open up in the cave underneath the goblin king. Suddenly a large pair of bright red demon buttcheeks reached out from the rift and grabbed the goblin. The buttcheek's then swallowed up the goblin and let out a small burp...which i guess is more like a fart.
A faint scream was heard over the next ten miles. Lillin turned around and departed the cave.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Lillin back to oakleaf2]] "If you wanna make me your wife first you gotta prove that you can handle aaaaallll~ this!" Said Lillin swaying her hips all sexy.
"OH trust me, I can handle it!" Shouted Nilbog.
"OH yeah?" Teased Lillin.
"Then fuck me you sexy goblin fuck!" Shouted Lillin as she tore off all her clothes and dove toawards the goblin king. The two of them fucked for the next three days, taking breaks to go to the bathroom, and have snacks. They fucked in every position known to man, and even those unknown to man. They fucked hard, and they fucked long, but most importantly, they fucked hard.
On the third day Nilbog's stamina began to waver. He could no longer keep up with Lillin's ravenous appitite. She straddled the goblin king and rode him hard one final time. As he reached climax he felt his soul slipping away piece by piece, until... He jizzed, one final time, and as his semen left his balls, his soul left his body.
"Mmmm, yeah, give me your soul baby." Said lillin as the goblins soul penetrated the most sacred part of her body. after a little while she stood up off the goblins whithered and shrivled up corpse. "Damn...That was a good one." She panted and whipped some sweat off her forehead. Lillin redressed herself and made her way out of the cave.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Lillin back to oakleaf2]] Now extremely annoyed, Thrak raised one of his axes and cut through the ghost. The ghost however, only cackled as the axe passed through him effortlessly.
"What did I just tell you barbarian boy~ Im a mothah fucknin 'G' Yo!" Said the ghost as he started crumpin' on top of somebody elses grave.
"Hmmm..." Pondered Thrak for half an hour, staring at his axe as the ghost started popin' and lockin' on several other graves. Suddenly Thrak's eyes lit up and he snapped his fingers and laughed. "Ha ha ha, silly Thrak." said Thrak. "This is wrong axe.*This* is ghost killing axe." He said lifting up his *other* axe and swinging it down on the ghost, who was twerking against a gravestone, and cut off his buttcheeks.
"AAAeeiiiii!" Shrieked the ghost. "Nooo, my money maker." The old ghost scrambed to pick up his amputated buttcheeks and held them close. Thrak then began to systematically cut the ghost into hundreds of small, undefinable pieces. Soon the pieces of the ghost vanished, and the fog in the graveyard began to roll away.
Thrak sheathed his axes, let out a victorious grunt, and headed back to Oakleaf.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Return to Oakleaf Thrak2]]Thrak may not be a smart man, but there is one truth of the univers that he understands very well... Fire purges everything.
"Thrak...PURGE" Said the barbarian and his eyes filled with black fire and he unsheated the massive axes from his back. The Ghost was still to busy getting budy to notice what was happening. Thrak started to clashes his Axes together furiously.
First a few sparks flew off them, then more and more sparks flew off until finally the ground around Thrak and the axes themselves caught fire. Thrak lifted his axes once more and then rampaged, swinging wildly, setting even the gravestones on fire. Any skeletons that had preveiously Re-burriend Themselves, Re-UNburried themselves and fled the graveyard.
"Whoo baby... Im on fire over here." Said one skeleton who was just casually dancing in the corner, unappreciative of the irony. He was on fire, both literally and figuratively, and would continue to pop and lock until his bones turned to ash. He would later go down in history as Benny 'Bone Down' Benneson. The skeleton that got down and dirty till the bitter end.
Away from that legendary skeleton was Thrak, still rampaging and setting the whole graveyard on fire with his mighty flaming axes. Fueled by nothing but pure rage, and some beer from before, he cut through stone mausoleum's as if they were soft butter.
"Oh shit my bones were in that mausoleum!" Shouted the ghost as his astral body caght fire. "No!" He shouted as his soul burned to cinders. As he faded form this world he let out one last "Ffffuuuuuck Yooouuuuuuu!!!" He shouted throwing up the tripple middle finger, using both his hands and hit penis.
Thrak continued to rampage in the graveyard for several more hours, unaware that he had already defeated the ghost. After some time, Thrak tired out and headed back to the town. The graveyard would brun for another three days before going out. The town would then errect a second graveyard ontop of the first one and call it 'Graveyard 2: The revenge'.
[[Back to Oakleaf->Return to Oakleaf Thrak2]]
The large bone goliath reached down to grab John. The bard quickly belted out a sick C sharp powerslide and swung his axe, cutting off the bone goliaths right hand.
"Oh shit!" Said the necromancer still leaning out the window.
"Oooohhhh, sshhhiiiiit!" Bellowed the bone giant. The bone goliath reached at John with his other hand, but alas, that one was chopped off too. The goliath realed back and then stood still. He looked down at both of his severed hands. "Nah maaaaaan...Fuuuuuck Thiiiis, Peace...Ooouuuuttt!" He bellowed. He turned around and walked off into the forest.
"Uhm...uh."Stammered the necromancer. "W-wait right there!" He demanded. A bunch of crashing sounds could be heard in the tower, then a closing door and the sound of footsteps going down stairs. Suddenly the necromancer kicked open the front door holding a box in his hands.
He opened up the box and tossed out the contents. A couple of bones fell out onto the ground, along with a few sticks, some chalk, a candle, and the necromancers diary. The necromancer quickly picked up the diary and stowed it back into the box. He set up a circle, by drawing it in the mud with the sticks and tossed the bones in there.
"femur femur clavical tibia... femur femur clavical tibia." The necromancer schanted. suddenly the bones began to shake and form together to make... a very disappointing monster. The new skeleton minion was like, a foot tall, and only hand one arm. "I uh...ran out of bones making that first one."
"Myeh! Myeh! Lemme at em' Lemme aaat em'." Said the small minion holding up its one fist and doing the fighting irish boxing stance. He let out a series of quick jabs, before John smacked the little guy across the forest with the flat of his axe, like hitting a golf ball.
"Wait a minute..." The necromancer said again. John grabbed the back of the necromancers robe and pulled it up over his head. Then he began to sucker punch the blinded necromancer until he died.
With a disappointed sigh john turned around and headed back to town.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Back to Oakleaf John1]] John cleared his throat and then began to strum the guitar gently. then more quickly as he slowly walked up to the bone goliath. The large boney titan just looked down at the small bard.
"OH! bone goliath!" Sand john. "So big and strong, your muscles are hot as hell, and your skull is metal as fuck." He sand. The bone goliaths eyes widened, as he crouched down closer the the bard.
"Hey...whats going on down there?" said the necromancer sticking his head out the window again. John continued to serenade the goliath for thrity more minutes. once the song was over, the goliath reached out his hand and lifted john up.
"I understand now..." Bellowed the goliath. "Just because we are on opposing sides, doesnt mean we cant be friends."
"You fuckin' rock bone titan...lets chill out sometime."
"Hell yeah dude..."
"Woah woah woah!" Said the necromancer waving his hands out the window. "You cant be friends with him you lousy good for nothing pile of bones. I'm the one who summoned you. You're supposed to do what I say!"
"Music man...Friend." Bellowed the bone giant, reaching up to the window of the tower.
"Woah woah haey!" screamed the necromancer as the bone giant grabbed him out of the tower.
"Annoying old man...NOT FRIEND!" With that, the bone giant wound back and side pitche the necromancer into space.
"dope..." Said John. the bone giant set his hand down and john hopped off.
"Peace...Ooouuuut." said the bone giant as flames shot out from his feet and he rocketed into the sky and exploded. John gave him a hearty salute and headed back into town.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Back to Oakleaf John1]] John Strummed his axe guitar and let out a heavy metal scream that shook the whole forest. The ground rumbled and two black rifts opened up beside the tower. John belted out a wicked solo as two massive demonic hands reached out and tore the bone golliath to pieces. the massive hands then reached up and began to shake the tower.
"Oh hell no..." Said the wizard. The sounds of crashes and clangs sounded through the tower, then the soft muffled sounds of footsteps going down some stairs, for like 5 minutes. Suddenly the necromancer kicked open the door of the tower carrying a bass made out of bones. The necromancer started slapping away on the bass, and another pair of huge hands burst from the ground.
"So this is how you wanna do it huh?" The two of them stared at each other, old western stand off style.
"''Magic arm wrestle rock off!!!''" they both said together, then they started to play their respective instruments. The two hands clashed and started to arm wrestle. John pulled out a sick solo, and the necromancer took the bass for a walk.
The rock off lasted for two days, when suddenly the necromancer's fingers started to hurt. you have to understand he was an old man, and bass strings are very thick. maybe not the best choice of inctrument for an old man... but what can you do? The giant arms that the necromancer summoned started to waver.
John finished off with the bridge walk from metalica's 'Spit out the bone'. in one final push the necromancer had lost, the giant arms smashed into the side of the tower. the foundation crumbled and the tower began to tilt. the necromancer turned to run, but a loose brick fell from the top of the tower and bonked him on the head, knocking him unconcious...then the whole rest of the tower fell on him.
Having destroyed a whole tower with his sick fucking metal, John turned around and proudly walked back to Oakleaf.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Back to Oakleaf John1]]"Why don't you come over here?" Said Lillin swaying her hips and beckoning over the ghost with her finger.
"D-d-d-double Boing!!!" Shouted the ghost as his dick instantly went from zero to boner. The old ghost combed back what was left of his hair and shuffled his way over.
"I need something to help fill me up..." She said, seductively.
"ILL FILL YOU RIGHT UP PRETTY LADY!" Awkwardly shouted the ghost. Lillin giggled and started to lean in close.
"Close your eyes." She said. The ghost obliged by not only closing his eyes, but covering them with his hands. He started to squirm and giggle giddishly.
"Hehehe, hey that tickles." He said. "Ooh, yeah, thats nice...right there." The ghost opened his eyes and looked down. To his surprise he saw that Lillith had sucked in his entire lower half. "Hey now...If i didnt know any better, I'd say you were trying to suck out my soul.". With one final suck Lillin devoured the whole ghost, sucking him into her stomach. She let out a small burp and patted her stomach.
"Aah! That his the spot." Lillin turned around and began to make her way back to Oakleaf.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Lillin back to oakleaf3]] Lillin clasped her hands together and started to sway her hips back and forth. As if on their own her breasts started to bounce up and down, and strange black markings covered her body. Lillin's pupils rolled back into her head and her eyes started to glow purple. She opened her mouth and started to chant a dark and mysterious incantation.
"Mama say...Mama sa...Mama Coosa." She chainted raising her hands in the air. "MAMA SAY...MAMA SA...MAMA COOSA!!!" She chanted louder, and soon her voice was acompanied by other disembodied voices, chanting together. The mist on the ground turned a deep purple, and lightning started to clash in the distance. "MAMA SAY, MAMA SAM, MAMA COOSA... MAMA SAY, MAMA SA, MAMA COOSA!!!" She screamed one last time.
suddenly a massive rift opened up behind the ghost and a large red hand burst forth from the ground. Soon the top half of a large demon succubus with red skin and black eyes rose up from the ground. She had long black hair and a the biggest titties you ever did see.
"OH GREAT MOTHER!" Bellowed Lillin. "I OFFER THIS SOUL TO YOU! EMBRACE THEM WITHIN YOU BOSSOM!" The large succubus reached down and picked up the frightened ghost and stuffed him into her cleavage. There was a faint whimper, and then silence. The large demon leaned over to Lillin and gave her a little kiss on the cheek. "Okay bye mom!" The elf said with a smile.
"Come visit sweetie." Bellowed the large titty havin' demon, waving goodbye as she sunk back into the ground. Lillin let out a hearty sigh and then turned back, heading into Oakleaf.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Lillin back to oakleaf3]] "Dude thats sad." Said Sky. "You gotyourself a hot ass corpse babe and it still takes you two hours to get it up? Can't you use like magic or something."
"Shut up!" Said the necromancer. "I'll show you not to make fun of me!" He shouted, raising his hands in the air. Purple lightning began to shoot out from his hands and strike everything in the room. "Now, Whitness my evil fu-" Sky grabbed the back of the necromancers cloak and pulled it over his head, exposing the necromancers small penis.
"Dude look at that thing, thats sad man." Said Sky kicking him to the ground. the necromancer stood up, poking his head from his robes. He struggled to try and break his hands free from his robe which now restricted him like a straight jacket.
"When i get out of here ill show you."
"Show me what huh?" Threatened Sky. He put the necromancer in a headlock and started to give him noogies. "Cmon limp dick... show me what you got." This continued for several minutes until the necromancer fell over in a defeated heap. He curled up into the fetal position and started crying.
"What a loser..." Said the corpse lady.
"You're free to go, sexy zombie lady." Said Sky, giving a quick salute. "No longer must you be shackled by this limp dick loser." Sky took the ladies hand and escorted her to town like a gentleman. the two of them would get a room at the inn and fuck hardcore for three weeks.
The necromancer, having his self esteem completely destroyed would never again practice necromancy. He would later open up a charity fund to help poor old wizards with erectile dysfunction. he would call it the "Wizard Wangus Recovery Project"
[[Return to Oakleaf->Sky to oakleaf1]]"Whitness my fury!" Screamed john holding his guitar in the air. He dropped and mighty powerslide that faded into 'Psychosocial' by Slipknot. As john began to play the fog covering the ground grew darker and darker. Suddenly red light began to shine from the ground.
Skeletons in the graveyard suddenly burst their upper bodies through the dirt and started headbanging and throwing up the horns. they all began to chant "Psychosocial!!" in time with the song. With one last powerchord, the earth shook and a mighty rift opened up in the ground.
The wretched hands of a thousand lost souls reached up, as fire spewed forth into the sky, enveloping the ghost. The hands grabbed the ghostly being by the nuts and started to drag him violently into the depths. He started kicking and screaming. any hands that werent grabbing the ghost were throwing back the horns and hand banging.
Lightning struck as John began the solo, striking the ghost and electrifying all the hands, super charging their powers. The hands grabbed guitars themselves and started jamming out. The skeletons, nowfully out of thier graves, formed a mosh pit around the ghost and began shoving eachother into the hell pit.
Over the course of the next three hours the ghost was slowly and painfully dragged down into hell by his nuts, kicking and screaming. The hole finaly closed up, the skeletons went back to resting in peace, and John returned to Oakleaf.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Back to Oakleaf John3]] "Yeah right dude." Said the ghost. "Bone boys, get him!" as the ghost said this, skeletons began to rise from the graves. Their bones rattled the thier teeth chattered.
"Looks like bitch is back on the menu boys." Chattered one of the skeletons as they all began to charge at John. With a mighty swing of hixe axe guitar, John cut thirteen skeletons in half and then let out a sick riff, melting their bones.
Skeletons continued to charge at john as he tore them apart with every swing of his axe. The bard let loose a sick guitar solo summoning pair of magic hands. The large hands began to pick up tombstones and chuck them at the skeletons. John began to simultaneously head bang/ headbutt skeletons back into the ground.
"Fucking shit!" Shouted the ghost who tried to run away. John pulled out a mighty Drop D powerslide that filled the neck of his guitar with energy. He pointed the guitar towards the ghost, shooting out a bright laser beam of energy. The laser beam hit the ghost right in the dick. "My fucking Dick!" He screamed.
"Get fucked you spook ass bitch!" Said John, putting some Wah Wah pedal on the powerslide. The ghosts dick began to swell with energy, growin bigger and bigger until...
His fucking dick exploded.
"Oh NOOOOOoooooo..." Wailed the ghost as his body started to vanish. "My dick...was the only thing, k-keeping me tied to the world...okay goodbye im dying again now...blegh." Said the ghost as he vanished comepletely.
"Fucking ghosts..." Grumbled john as he turned around and returned to Oakleaf.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Back to Oakleaf John3]] Lillin Spun around and delivered a mighty round house kick the the necromancers jaw, causing his head to spin around on his body. He grabbed his head and brought it to a stop. He wobbled a bit and his eyes spun around in his skull like in the cartoons.
"Oh yeah, hit me harder..." He said in a shaky voice.
"Eww..." Lillin recoiled. She grabbed the necromancer by the beard and started smashing him on the ground, like The Hulk did to Loki in the first Avengers movie.
"Oh yeah baby. Thats the stuff." The old necromancer moaned.
"You make me sick." Said lillin. "Please die." Lillin then grabbed the necromancer and proceeded to put him into the million dollar dream. She applied so much preasure to the hold that the necromancers head popped off his body like a cork. His boddy fell to the ground with a thud and his head landed on a nerby table.
"Ooooh yeah, that was a good one." Said the necromancers head. Lillin let out a depressed sigh and punted the necromancers head through a window. The head soared over the forest and landed in a lake, where fish would slowly eat the flesh from his skull over the next few weeks.
"I need to go take a long shower..." Said lillin as a chill ran down her spine. The elf turned around and left the tower, heading back for town.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Lillin back to oakleaf1]]Lillin puller back her bow and fired an arrow at the necromancer. The arrow was stopped by a magical purpple shield around the necromancer.
"Woah woah there baby. Lets talk about this. Can I get you some coffee?" Lillin let out a deep sigh, she new that despite the necromancers old age and pervy disposition, he was still a powerful sorcerer. She knew what must be done, she would have to use the one attack that no man in Terra can defend against.
Bad girlfriend by Theory of a Deadman started to play as Lillin turned around and put her hands behind her head. Before the necromancer could figure out what was going on, Lillin got down and get her eagle on...HARD! The thunderous booty claps shook the whole tower.
"Let's see you defend against this!" She said as she lunged toward the necromancer. She slammed the necromancer against the ground with her massive booty. She pounded the old man into the ground with her back meat. Over the course of three minutes she pulverized the necromancer, crushing every bone into his body into dust. Lillin lifted up her massive booty to reveal the smiling corpse of the dead necromancer.
"Peace out yoooo~" Said the necromancers ghost as it left his body. Having completed the quest, the young elf turned back and left the tower, heading back to Oakleaf.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Lillin back to oakleaf1]] "How's about you come over here and give me a hug." Teased Lillin as she beckoned the necromancer and pressed her boobs together. 'BAWOOOOGAAA' Went the necromancer as his eyes popped out of his head and his tongue turned into a heart, like in the cartoons.
"Zoo wee mama!" Exclaimed the necromancer as he lept toward the elf and gave her a big hug, burrying his face in her boobs. He hugged tight and the elf hugged even tighter. After a while the necromancer was havig a hard time breathing in all the meat cleaveage. He tried to pull himself away but to his surprise Lillin was holding his head between her boobs. The necromancer struggled and struggled but Lillin held on tighter and tighter.
"Shhhh shush." whispered Lillin. "Just let it happen.". She held the necromancer and he continued to struggle. Several minutes passed and the necromancer's body went limp. Lillin dropped him to the ground, and after a little bit the necromancers ghost started to fly out of his body.
"Worth it~" Said his ghost as it started to float away. But before he could float off the the afterlife Lillin grabbed on to his little ghost tail. She opened up her mouth and began to consume the necromancers soul. "OH shit~ here we go again boys~ yeehehehehe." He said happily as Lillin devoured him whole. She let out a little burp, and left the tower.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Lillin back to oakleaf1]]Thrak threw both of his axes to the ground and put up his hands as 'rage against the machine' started playing in the background. Right off the bat Nilbog threw a mighty haymaker, but my man Thrak just dodged that shit. Thrak threw a mighty punch and connected with the goblins jaw, there was a gasp from the audience.
The two mighty men started trading blows left and right. Throwing haymakers and right hooks. Nilbog was becoming dreadfully tired. He tried to throw a left cross punch, but fumbled because his footing was bad. Thrak saw his opportunity and raised both hands. He brought them down in a mighty double axe handle, onto Nilbog's skull.
The goblin went down hard, shaking the whole cave. Thrak waited for a few moments when suddenly Nilbog stood back up, and whiped the blood from his mouth, like a cool guy. This onyl made Thrak angrier. He knew a regular double axe handle wouldnt be enough, he would have to step up his game.
"You'll have to be better than that bitch boy..." Stammered the wounded goblin. Suddenly Thrak brought up both hands again, AND ONE LEG!!! he brought them down in a legendary //Triple// Axe Handle. Nilbog once again was slammed into the ground, this time destroying the cave of the floor. But once again he stood up, bleeding from every orafice.
"O-okay...I think...I think I'm done." Murmured the goblin, as he barely managed to stay stood up.
THRAK WAS FUCKING PISSED. He reached down deep into the depths of his soul, and as he did his eyes and mouth began to spew forth black flames. Thrak raised both of his hands again, and the one leg. Black markings began to carve themselves into Thraks body, and they too began to spew black flames.
"And unto them...Death." Said the barbarian in a deep demonic voice. As he said this his pants burst open and the barbarians mighty penis lifted into the air along with his two hands and one leg. Making the Mythical, never before performed, not even by the gods, ''QUADRUPLE AXE HANDLE''.
"M-mommy." whimpered Nilbog as the orc brought down the fury of the heavens upon the poor goblin, instantly liquifying his body and destroying the entire cave completely.
Several minutes later Thrak hand finished punching his way out of the cave and was well on his way back to Oakleaf.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Return to Oakleaf Thrak1]] Thrak threw down both axes and the two men leapt at each other. They started grappling and began putting each other in submission holds. Thrak put Niblog in a full Nelson, but the goblin broke free and put Thrak into a sharp shooter.
The goblin began applying pressure to the hold. Thrak reached back and wrapped his hands around Nilbogs neck and rolled him over. Thrak picked the goblin up and put him in a double arm lock. Nilbog tried to break free but Thrak applied a tremendous amount of preasure. Nilbog screamed as both of his arms broke instantly.
"Looks like Thrak has caught your hands..." Said Thrak, looming over the broken armed Nilbog, menacingly. The goblin tried to stand back up, but as he did, Thrak delivered a mighty leg sweep that broke both of the goblins legs...He screamed again.
Nilbog tried to crawl away, draggin his body with just his chin, but Thrak wouldnt let him get away that easy. He climbed the tallest rock in the cave and dove off, landing a Tombstone on the poor goblin. Then he dropped the people's elbow on Nilbog, then he dropped the //goblins// elbow on nilbog. Thrak dropped so many tombstones on the poor goblins body that it was starting to look like a mother fucken' graveyard around this bitch.
Thrak turned to leave the cave. As he did Nilbog let out a heavy sigh, WHEN SUDDENLY THRAK TURNED THE FUCK AROUND AND STARTED RUNNING!!! He double stepped off a rock and leapt 20 feet into the air, and delivered a fatal double rotation Moonsault to the boglins body. This turned all the goblins bones, organs, and even all his blood, into dust.
"Catch that." Said thrak, as he turned around and left the cave for real this time.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Return to Oakleaf Thrak1]] With the wizard defeated, Thrak made his way back to town. The massive barbarian turned in the quest at the guild, claimed his money, and headed back out into the town. There were still more quests to do, but Thrak was growing bored of Oakleaf and wondered if he should move on instead.
[[Leave Oakleaf->Thrak Chapter 2]]
[[Those goblins still need killing->Thrak kill goblins]]
[[That ghost needs killing too->Thrak kill ghost]]After having defeated the ghost, Thrak made his was triumphantly back to town. The orc entered the Adventurers guild and cashed in the quest, as well as returning the chunk of the bounty board he tore off. With gold in pocked Thrak headed down the road wondering what to do next.
There were other quests to do, but Thrak was quickly becoming bored with this town. He wondered if he should finish up any business here, or head out to another place.
[[Leave Oakleaf->Thrak Chapter 2]]
[[Take the Goblin quest->Thrak kill goblins]]
[[Take the necromancer quest->Thrak kill evil wizard man]] Having defeated the necromancer Lillin returned to the Quest board in Oakleaf. She headed into the guild and turned in the quest for the reward. Having filled up her purse, Lillin left the guild with a smile.
There were still quests to do, there was still the matter of the goblins, or the ghost in the graveyard. Lillin though hard about if she wanted to do another quest, or if she wanted to move on to a different adventure.
[[Leave Oakleaf->Lillin Chapter 2]]
[[Take the goblin quest->Eradicate a nest of goblins]]
[[Take the ghost quest->Banish a ghost in the graveyard]] After returning to Oakleaf from the goblin cave, Lillin made her way to the adventurers guild. She turned int he completed quest and claimed her reward. She smiled, walking out of the guild, happy that her coin purse is a bit heavier.
Lillin thought hard about what to do next. There was still the matter of the Ghost in the graveyard, or the necromancer in the tower. Or if she wanted, she could move on to a different town, a different adventure.
[[Leave Oakleaf->Lillin Chapter 2]]
[[Deal with the necromancer->Kill a necromancer in his tower]]
[[Exorcise a ghost->Banish a ghost in the graveyard]] After having defeated the ghost, Lillin returned to Oakleaf to claim her reward. She turned in the completed quest at the adventurers guild and left the guild with a smile on her face. It's always nice to have a little spending money.
Lillin thought hard about what to do next. There were still two other quests, The necromancer, and the goblin nest. Having a littlke more spending money would be nice, or she could move onto a different town.
[[Leave Oakleaf->Lillin Chapter 2]]
[[Deal with the necromancer->Kill a necromancer in his tower]]
[[Take care of the goblins->Eradicate a nest of goblins]] ----------^^Chapter 2: Electric Boogaloo^^----------
Chapter 2 is under construction
[[Return to the beginning->The Beginning]]With the goblin king utterly annihilated, Thrak quickly made his way back to town. Once there he turned in the quest, collected his money, and headed back into town. There were other quests to take, but Thrak was quickly becoming bored with Oakleaf. He wondered what he should do next.
[[Leave Oakleaf->Thrak Chapter 2]]
[[Kill the necromancer->Thrak kill evil wizard man]]
[[Kill the ghost->Thrak kill ghost]] ---------^^Chapter 2: Thrak Saves Christmas^^----------
Chapter 2 is under construction!!!
[[Return to the beginning->The Beginning]]With the necromancer taken care of, John made his way back to town and turned in the quest. A bit of gold in his pocket, and he was feeling good. John was starting to run out of inspiration in this small town. There were still two other quests that could be taken care of, but he wondered if he should just move on instead.
[[Move on->John Chapter 2]]After dealing with that gross old man ghost, sky returned to town and handed in the quest. He pocketed the reward and wanedred outside. He wondered to himself if he should take another quest, or if it was time to head out of town.
[[Leave town->Sky Chapter 2]]
[[Take the goblin quest->Exterminate the goblin nest]]
[[Take the necromancer quest->slay the necromancer in his tower]]With the goblin problem taken care of, john headed back to town and turned in his quest. With a little spending money in his pocket john wondered what to do next. There were two other quests that could be done, or he could move on and find inspiration elsewere.
[[Leave Oakleaf->John Chapter 2]]
[[Take care fo the ghost->Rock some ghosts]]
[[Slay the necromancer->rock an old man wizard in a tower]] ----------^^Chapter 2: The Return^^----------
Chapter 2 is under construction
[[Return to the beginning->The Beginning]]After having taken care of the ghost, john went back to town and turned in the quest. He spent the money on some new strings, and left the guild. The young bard wondered what he should do next. There were other quests to do, other poor souls to slay with his sick fucking metal. But John was running out of inspiration in this small town, he wondered if he should leave instead.
[[Leave Oakleaf->John Chapter 2]]
[[Take the goblin quest->rock some goblins in a cave]]
[[Take the necromancer quest->rock an old man wizard in a tower]] "Dude thats sad... What does a limp dick wizard like you even do with a hot ass corpse babe like this?" Asked sky, the hot ass corpse babe blushed.
"Dont make fun of me!" Shouted the wizard holding out a hand. Purple energy began to swirl around in his palm, but before he could finish casting the spell, Sky grabbed his hand. Easily overpowering the wizard Sky began to punch the old wizard in the face and dick with his own hand.
"Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself." Sky tried to pants the wizard, but he wasnt wearing pants. So he just ripped off the wizard entire robs instead.
"Nooo... my naked body." Said the wizard trying to cover up, but he couldnt cover up well with Sky hitting the wizards face with his own hand. Sky started to use his prehansile tial to spank the necromancers ass.
"You call that a dick?" He said. "Let me show you what a dick should look like." Sky tripped the wizard and then whipped out his massive two foot monster horse cock. The hot corpse lady instantly girl jizzed in her panties at the sight of the massic schlong. Sky swung his hips and slapped the necromancer in the face with his horse dick, giving him a terrible concussion.
Sky tied the necromancer to a load bearing beam in the room. He turned to leave but he was met by the sexy corpse lady. She stared up at him, giving him the sex eyes. Sky, having not boned any hot slutts in a while, decided that this was a good a time as any.
The two of them tore off all their clothes and began to bone freak nasty style right in front of the necromancer. The necromancer began to cry loudly as Sky boned his sexy corpse wife.
After a few more hours of nasty sex, Sky left the tower with the sexy corpse babe, and brought her back to his room at the inn. The two of them would have hardcore nasty sex for the next 3 weeks.
The necromancer would move on to never preform necromancy again. Instead he began to drown himself in the dark orts of alchoholism. Locking himself in the tower, nobody would see or hear of him every again. The necromancer would then commit suicide three years later.
[[Return to Oakleaf->Sky to oakleaf1]] After banging the necromancers wife over the course of three weeks, she finaly left, leaving her number on the pillow, and going to go see her family. Sky dropped by and turned in the overdue quest, claiming the reward. As he left he passed by the quest board and wondered if he should take another quest. Or maybe he should leave this place too.
[[Leave Oakleaf->Sky Chapter 2]]
[[Take the Goblin quest->Exterminate the goblin nest]]
[[Take the Ghost quest->exorcise the ghosts in the graveyard]]After beating down the Goblin king most righteously, Sky flew back into town and claimed the reward. As he walked out he passed the quest board and wondered if he should take another quest. Oakleaf was getting boring, so he could just leave the town as well.
[[Leave Oakleaf->Sky Chapter 2]]
[[Take the Ghost quest->exorcise the ghosts in the graveyard]]
[[Take the Necromancer quest->slay the necromancer in his tower]]-----------^^Chapter 2: Return of the Jedi^^--------
This chapter is under construction
[[Return to the beginning->The Beginning]]