Apologize Like a Boss

(set: $name to (prompt: "Your name, please:", "")) Here is the scene, $name-- You are at work, reviewing old emails. As you hit delete after delete, one old email causes your heart to lurch. The email is from a colleague in another department requesting figures for the upcoming budget. Right after you had acknowledged the email last month, an unexpected demand from your boss came in and you forgot about it. Now it is impossible to get all the information needed. [[Contact your colleague immediately]] [[Start getting as much of the requested data as possible]]

You know it's not possible to finish the task now, but having something is better than nothing, you figure, so you start pouring through files to gather what you can. At the end of the day, you decide it's time to contact your coworker to share what you've got and apologize for not finishing. [[You draft an email]]

You know you need to give your colleague a head's up as soon possible, but you are not sure what to say. Your first step is to... [[Send an immediate email]] [[Pick up the phone and call]]

You sort of hope your colleague's voicemail will pick up, but after three rings you hear your colleague say "hello." Upon hearing your colleague's voice, you take a deep breath, say "Mary, this is $name." You... [[Ask to meet]] [[Apologize immediately]]

You explain: "Mary-- I'm so sorry. I didn't get those budget numbers you were looking for today." There is a long pause before Mary asks, "What?" [[Explain how your boss pulled you onto another project]] [[Express your regret that this happened ]] [[Explain that you understood what she wanted and failed->Acknowledge and Accountable]]

You take a deep breath and tell your colleague that a difficult issue has come up and you would like to come talk to her about it as soon as possible. Your coworker hesitantly says, "uh okay. What is it about?" [[You reply, "It would be better if I explain in person. Can I come over right now?"->Request to come over]] [[You reply, "Okay, (pause) well, it's about the email you sent a couple weeks ago asking for my help."->Apologize immediately]]

"Mary, I know it's no excuse, but right after you emailed me about the data, my boss came in and slammed me with a rush-rush project. With all the pressure, I just dropped the ball. I'm sorry." With hurt in her voice, Mary asks, "how long have you known, $name?" You reply, "I just realized it this morning. I'm so sorry." "Well, this is a shock. I was counting on you," Mary says. "I'm not sure what to do now. I guess I'll just have to go to Dave (her boss) and let him know." You offer to get what data you can. Mary mumbles that it's too late now. You are sad and a little surprised. After all, you let her know about the problem as soon as you discovered it and apologized immediately. [[Rewind and try again to contact your colleague->Contact your colleague immediately]] [[Rewind and start gathering as much data as you can->Start getting as much of the requested data as possible]] [[Shrug and get back to work--was a better outcome even possible?->Shrug and get back to work]]

"Mary, I really regret that I dropped the ball. I should have been on top of it." Mary seems to be a little bit shocked. "I'm confused, $name. What are you talking about?" [[You explain what caused you to drop the ball->Explain how your boss pulled you onto another project]] [[You acknowledge the difficult situation you have put your colleague in->You acknowledge the difficult situation you have put your coworker in]] [[You re-affirm the substance of her earlier request and admit that you didn't complete it as promised->Acknowledge and Accountable]]

Knowing this is a sensitive matter and that things could get emotional, you... [[Explain that there is an issue regarding the budget data and carefully explain what happened<-Explain the problem in detail]] [[Explain that there is an issue regarding the budget data and request to meet as soon as possible<-Explain the problem briefly and request to meet]]

You've done all you can, you figure. You decide it may be best to avoid Mary for a while. [[What went wrong?->Critique-too hasty]]

"Mary," you say, "I know you were counting on me. I just can't get all the data you need by today. I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do to fix this?" Mary pauses for a moment then replies in angry tone, "I'm just not sure. I'll have to expain this to Dave (her boss) right away. I'll let you know, $name." This appears to be the end of the conversation, although Mary seems angry. You are left feeling uneasy. You owned your mistake and didn't make excuses, yet it doesn't seem things ended well. What do you do? [[Acknowledge her anger and your role in causing it]] [[Try to move forward->Ask for her forgiveness]] [[Shrug and go back to work]]

"Dear Mary-- I wanted to let you know I made a mistake regarding your request for that budget information. Can I come talk to you as soon as possible?" You hit "send" and begin gathering what data you can for the request. Twenty minutes later, your phone rings. You can see from caller ID that it's Mary. You take a deep breath and pick up the phone. "Hello, Mary," you say. "$name, I got your email," Mary says with obvious anxiety in her voice. "What's the problem?" You... [[reply "It would be better if I explain in person, can I come over now?"->Request to come over]] [[decide to just apologize and explain on the phone, since Mary is already calling->Apologize immediately]]

"Dear Mary-- I wanted to let you know as soon as possible that I have made a mistake regarding your request for data for the budget. I know it's no excuse, but right after you emailed me about the data, my boss came in and slammed me with a rush-rush project. With all the pressure, I just dropped the ball. I'm really sorry. I know it's too late to get all the info you need but I will do whatever I can to fix this. Again, I'm so sorry." You hit "send" and begin combing through your files to get what you can together for Mary. It isn't long before your email inbox pings and you see a reply from Mary. She says, "I am in total shock. I was counting on you, $name. I'm not sure what to do now. I guess I'll just have to go to Dave (her boss) and let him know." The exchange ends awkwardly. [[Rewind and try again to contact your coworker->Contact your colleague immediately]] [[Shrug and get back to work]]

"Okay," Mary says, anxiety still in her voice, "I'll be in my office." You quickly make your way across campus, mind racing. Other than letting her know that you won't be able to provide all the data she needs in time, you're not sure what to say. Do you apologize immediately? Do you explain why you dropped the ball? Do you offer to fix whatever you can? You arrive at Mary's office and see her typing away. You get her attention and ask if you can come in. "Please, come in $name," she says, not smiling. You sit down and decide to dive right in: "Mary, I made a mistake. I won't be able to get you the data you need for the budget request." What do you say next? [[Explain how your boss pulled you onto another project so she understands the circumstances->Explain how your boss pulled you onto another project]] [[Acknowledge the difficult situation your colleague faces and "own" the fact that you won't be able to get the data she needs in time->You acknowledge the difficult situation you have put your coworker in]] [[Acknowledge the difficult situation your colleague faces and the likely impact on her->Acknowledge and Accountable]]

"Mary, you sent me an email three weeks ago asking for budget data. Your email was clear and I accepted the request. You were counting on me and I let you down. "I expect this puts you in a dificult position. I'm really sorry." You pause, and Mary doesn't say anything for a moment. Then she angrily shouts, "No kidding you put me in a difficult spot, $name! I can't believe you would do this!" You... [[Try to put things in context->Explain how your boss pulled you onto another project]] [[Acknowledge her anger and your role in causing it]] [[Ask for her forgiveness]]

In a nutshell, $name: You did well by contacting Mary immediately and starting to apologize, but then you turned to your perspective when not invited to explain. The big takeaway: Apologies are NEVER about the apologizer... unless the other party asks. Apology goals: - Make it in person whenever possible. - Make it at the right time for the recipient. In some cases, it is best to let the other person know of the issue first and explain that you will get back to the person with more information soon. Includes as many as possible of the following, in the following order: - An acknowledgment of common expectations - An acknowledgment of your failure to meet expectations - An expression of ownership for the failure - An assessment of impact on the other person (including how you believe it may have felt for the recipient) - A desire to hear about the recipient's feelings, if the recipient is willing - An unflinching judgment of yourself regarding the subject of the apology, although you must take care not to sound like a martyr - A statement of regret - An expression of apology - An indication of future intent to avoid the failure - A discussion of how you will prevent the failure, if the recipient is willing - A request for forgiveness What a good apology does NOT include: - The word "but..." - An explanation of how the failure happened-- unless it is needed to explain how you will prevent future failures or the other person asks. This may seem counterintuitive and hard to do, but restraint is vital - A comparison to other failures by ANYONE, including yourself-- unless requested - A defense or justification-- unless requested

"Hey, Mary. I am really sorry! I have no excuse-- I acknowledge that. All I can do now is try to provide some data and try to make this right as best I can." Although she seems somewhat mollified, Mary is clearly still angry. You... [[Ask what data would be helpful]] [[Ask for forgiveness->Acknowledge her anger and your role in causing it]]

"Mary, I understand you are angry that I dropped the ball. If I were in your shoes, I would be too. "I want to help complete your budget proposal, but I understand if you would prefer not to have my help right now. I also want to repair the damage between us...when the time is right. Let me ask now, but don't feel like you have to answer right away: Will you forgive me?" Mary replies, "We'll see." Do you... [[Explain how you will prevent this problem in the future]] [[Explain your plan to get some data to her by tomorrow]]

"Mary, I know you have to get back to cranking this budget proposal out, but I wanted to let you know that in the future--before I acknowledge any request for assistance--I will make a point of putting a reminder on my calendar. I don't want anything like this to slip through the cracks again." Mary looks at you thoughtfully for a moment and says: "Thanks for letting me know as soon as you found out your mistake, $name. I'll let Dave (her boss) know there was a miscommunication on our part. And perhaps if you just pull the data for the last quarter and get that to me by 2pm, I can make the best of this. "I'm still not sure I can forgive you," she says with a slight smile on her face, "but we'll see." You thank Mary for her understanding and promise to get that data to her ASAP... as you pull out your smartphone with a smile and add the reminder to your calendar. [[Head back to your office feeling a bit lighter and hopeful->Critique-success]]

You ask Mary, "Are there any data areas I can focus on to help fix this?" "I'm just not sure that would be helpful at this point, $name," Mary replies. "Frankly, I'm not sure if I want to risk you dropping the ball again," she explains. Mary continues: "Thanks for letting me know as soon as you found out your mistake. I'll let Dave (her boss) know there was a miscommunication on our part. But I'll just do the best I can from this point." You leave somewhat disappointed, although you are glad you didn't end the conversation in a fight. [[Return to your office and reflect on how that might have gone a little better->Critique-no prevention of future harm]]

[[You wonder why your apology didn't seem to make any difference->Critique-no acknowledgment of her feelings]]

In a nutshell, $name: You did well letting Mary know about the problem immediately and owning the mistake, but you didn't give her a chance to hear you acknowledge the impact. The big takeaway: Apologies are NEVER about the apologizer... unless the other party asks. Apology goals: - Make it in person whenever possible. - Make it at the right time for the recipient. In some cases, it is best to let the other person know of the issue first and explain that you will get back to the person with more information soon. Includes as many as possible of the following, in the following order: - An acknowledgment of common expectations - An acknowledgment of your failure to meet expectations - An expression of ownership for the failure - An assessment of impact on the other person (including how you believe it may have felt for the recipient) - A desire to hear about the recipient's feelings, if the recipient is willing - An unflinching judgment of yourself regarding the subject of the apology, although you must take care not to sound like a martyr - A statement of regret - An expression of apology - An indication of future intent to avoid the failure - A discussion of how you will prevent the failure, if the recipient is willing - A request for forgiveness What a good apology does NOT include: - The word "but..." - An explanation of how the failure happened-- unless it is needed to explain how you will prevent future failures or the other person asks. This may seem counterintuitive and hard to do, but restraint is vital - A comparison to other failures by ANYONE, including yourself-- unless requested - A defense or justification-- unless requested

The big takeaway: Apologies are NEVER about the apologizer... unless the other party asks. Apology goals: - Make it in person whenever possible. - Make it at the right time for the recipient. In some cases, it is best to let the other person know of the issue first and explain that you will get back to the person with more information soon. Includes as many as possible of the following, in the following order: - An acknowledgment of common expectations - An acknowledgment of your failure to meet expectations - An expression of ownership for the failure - An assessment of impact on the other person (including how you believe it may have felt for the recipient) - A desire to hear about the recipient's feelings, if the recipient is willing - An unflinching judgment of yourself regarding the subject of the apology, although you must take care not to sound like a martyr - A statement of regret - An expression of apology - An indication of future intent to avoid the failure - A discussion of how you will prevent the failure, if the recipient is willing - A request for forgiveness What a good apology does NOT include: - The word "but..." - An explanation of how the failure happened-- unless it is needed to explain how you will prevent future failures or the other person asks. This may seem counterintuitive and hard to do, but restraint is vital - A comparison to other failures by ANYONE, including yourself-- unless requested - A defense or justification-- unless requested

Knowing this is a sensitive matter and that things could get emotional, you... [[Explain what happened and what you've done to fix the problem->delayed email]] [[Explain the problem briefly and request to meet]]

"Dear Mary-- I wanted to let you know I made a mistake regarding your request for budget data. I know it's no excuse, but right after you emailed me about the data, my boss came in and slammed me with a rush-rush project. With all the pressure, I just dropped the ball. I'm really sorry. As soon as I realized my mistake today, I began trying to gather whatever information I could for you. The information is attached below. Again, I'm so sorry." You hit "send" and hope for the best. It isn't long before your email inbox pings and you see a reply from Mary. She says, "I am in total shock. I was counting on you, $name. Why didn't you tell me as soon as you knew? Your partial 'report' is worthless to me." I'm not sure what I'll do at this point, but one thing I do know-- I'm not taking the fall for this!" You take a deep breath and start considering damage control. After all, if it was so stinking important, why didn't Mary say something or check in? You begin composing an email to the VP.... [[What happened?->Critique-delay and email]]

"Dear Mary-- I wanted to let you know I made a mistake regarding your request for that budget information. Can I come talk to you as soon as possible?" You take a deep breath and hit "send." Twenty minutes later, your phone rings. You can see from caller ID that it's Mary. You take a deep breath and pick up the phone. "Hello, Mary," you say. "$name, I got your email," Mary says with obvious anxiety in her voice. "What's the problem?" You... [[Reply "It would be better if I explain in person, can I come over now?"->delayed explain in person]] [[Decide to just apologize and explain on the phone, since Mary is already calling->delayed explain on phone]]

In a nutshell, $name: This wasn't an apology at all, but appeared to Mary to be an attempt to cover your tail, compounded by the fact that you delayed letting her know *and* didn't show up in person. The big takeaway: Apologies are NEVER about the apologizer... unless the other party asks. Apology goals: - Make it in person whenever possible. - Make it at the right time for the recipient. In some cases, it is best to let the other person know of the issue first and explain that you will get back to the person with more information soon. Includes as many as possible of the following, in the following order: - An acknowledgment of common expectations - An acknowledgment of your failure to meet expectations - An expression of ownership for the failure - An assessment of impact on the other person (including how you believe it may have felt for the recipient) - A desire to hear about the recipient's feelings, if the recipient is willing - An unflinching judgment of yourself regarding the subject of the apology, although you must take care not to sound like a martyr - A statement of regret - An expression of apology - An indication of future intent to avoid the failure - A discussion of how you will prevent the failure, if the recipient is willing - A request for forgiveness What a good apology does NOT include: - The word "but..." - An explanation of how the failure happened-- unless it is needed to explain how you will prevent future failures or the other person asks. This may seem counterintuitive and hard to do, but restraint is vital - A comparison to other failures by ANYONE, including yourself-- unless requested - A defense or justification-- unless requested

"Okay," Mary says, anxiety in her voice, "I'll be in my office." You quickly make your way across campus, mind racing. You have some data to provide and hope that will help soften the blow, but you're not sure what else to say. You arrive at Mary's office and see her typing away. You get her attention and ask if you can come in. "Please, come in $name," she says, not smiling. You sit down and decide to dive right in: "Mary, I made a mistake. I wasn't able to get all the data you need for the budget request." What do you say next? [[Explain how your boss pulled you onto another project so she understands the circumstances->Delayed explain how your boss pulled you onto another project]] [[Go into more detail about what you failed to do->Delayed acknowledge and Accountable]]

"Mary, you sent me an email three weeks ago asking for budget data. Your email was clear and I accepted the request. You were counting on me and I let you down. I understand you may be angry that I dropped the ball. If I were in your shoes, I would be too. "I'm really sorry. I did pull some of the data you needed. Maybe that will help?" "When did you realize you wouldn't be able to finish, $name?" "This morning," you say. "Well, it would've been nice if you'd let me know right away. I've been slaving all day to finish, counting on you to get the data to me," she says. You... [[Explain that you didn't realize the importance because Mary hadn't followed up->Ask why your coworker didn't follow up]] [[Try to put things in context->Explain how your boss pulled you onto another project]] [[Try to move forward->delayed ask for forgiveness]]

"Mary, I know it's no excuse, but right after you emailed me about the data, my boss came in and slammed me with a rush-rush project. With all the pressure, I just dropped the ball. I'm sorry. But I have put together as much data as I can and can provide that now." With anger rising, Mary asks, "how long have you known you wouldn't be able to finish, $name?" You reply, "I just realized it this morning. I'm so sorry." "Really?" Mary replies sharply. "And you only decided to let me know now? I've been busting my tail all day to finish, counting on you to get the data to me, and you KNEW all this time you wouldn't be able to finish?" "I did what I could, Mary. And I said I am sorry. What else do you expect me to do?" you ask. "I expected you to be responsible and to let me know as soon as possible. I don't know what I'm going to do about the budget now, but I do know this much: I'm not going to take the fall for your failure, $name." "Well, if it was so critical, why didn't you follow up, Mary?" you respond angrily. "Because I thought you were an adult, $name. I have nothing more to say to you." You leave, very troubled and concerned. You tried to make things right and apologized, but all it got you was anger. Maybe apologies are overrated. [[What went wrong?->Critique-Delayed explain]]

In a nutshell, $name: Your heart was in the right place, but waiting to let Mary know about the problem and then focusing upon *your* perspective took all the life out of your apology. The big takeaway: Apologies are NEVER about the apologizer... unless the other party asks. Apology goals: - Make it in person whenever possible. - Make it at the right time for the recipient. In some cases, it is best to let the other person know of the issue first and explain that you will get back to the person with more information soon. Includes as many as possible of the following, in the following order: - An acknowledgment of common expectations - An acknowledgment of your failure to meet expectations - An expression of ownership for the failure - An assessment of impact on the other person (including how you believe it may have felt for the recipient) - A desire to hear about the recipient's feelings, if the recipient is willing - An unflinching judgment of yourself regarding the subject of the apology, although you must take care not to sound like a martyr - A statement of regret - An expression of apology - An indication of future intent to avoid the failure - A discussion of how you will prevent the failure, if the recipient is willing - A request for forgiveness What a good apology does NOT include: - The word "but..." - An explanation of how the failure happened-- unless it is needed to explain how you will prevent future failures or the other person asks. This may seem counterintuitive and hard to do, but restraint is vital - A comparison to other failures by ANYONE, including yourself-- unless requested - A defense or justification-- unless requested

You explain: "Mary-- I'm so sorry. I wasn't able to get all the budget numbers you were looking for. I put together as much as I could but I wasn't able to finish." There is a long pause before Mary asks, "When did you figure out you wouldn't be able to finish?" You reply, "I just realized it this morning. I'm so sorry." "Really?" Mary asks sharply. "And you only decided to let me know now? I've been busting my tail all day to finish, counting on you to get the data to me, and you KNEW all this time you wouldn't be able to finish!" "I did what I could, Mary. And I said I am sorry. What else do you expect me to do?" you ask. "I expected you to be responsible and to let me know as soon as possible. I don't know what I'm going to do about the budget now, but I do know this much: I'm not going to take the fall for your failure, $name." "Well, if it was so critical, why didn't you follow up, Mary?" you respond angrily. "Because I thought you were an adult, $name. You don't even have the decency to tell me to my face! I have nothing more to say to you." Mary slams the phone down. You are angry now yourself. You tried to do what you could and apologize, but all it got you was anger. Maybe apologies are overrated. [[What went wrong?->Critique-Delayed explain]]

"Well, if it was so critical, why didn't you follow up, Mary?" you ask, confused. "Are you saying this is MY fault, $name?! I have nothing more to say to you." You leave, very troubled and concerned. You tried to do the best you can and apologized, but all it got you was anger. Maybe apologies are overrated. [[Why did that go off the rails so quickly?->Critique-Delayed explain]]

"Hey, Mary. I am really sorry! I have no excuse-- I acknowledge that. All I can do now is try to provide some data and ask for forgiveness." Although she seems somewhat mollified, Mary is clearly still angry. You ask... [["What would be helpful at this point?"]] [["What are the consequences for you because of me?"]]

"I know you say you want to help, but I just don't understand why you didn't say something right away," Mary says. "To be honest, $name, I'm not sure what you can do at this point; it just seems like you are covering your tracks." You explain your intent was just to make the best of an honest mistake, but you struggle to get past Mary's hurt feelings. You're glad she's not furious, but clearly your best intentions didn't seem to come through. [[Return to your office and reflect on what went wrong->Critique-not hear Mary's feelings]]

"Ouch. You're right. I guess I should have said something right away," you acknowledge. "What's the impact on you now--is there anything I can do right to help catch up?" Mary replies: "Thanks for saying that, $name. I'm not sure what you can do at this point, but maybe I can do something with the information you did gather. Place what you have in a shared folder and I'll take a look. Perhaps you can label the data sets...." You talk for a couple more minutes and then head back to your office follow up on your revised plan. In the end, it was difficult to see Mary's anger, but you feel satisfied you made the best of a bad situation and--more importantly--helped avoid a permanently damaged relationship. You return to your office to get on it. [[That seemed to go okay, but how could you have done better?->Critique-delayed success]]

In a nutshell, $name: You did a pretty good job with the form of the apology, but waiting to let Mary know about the problem took some of the life out of it. The big takeaway: Apologies are NEVER about the apologizer... unless the other party asks. Apology goals: - Make it in person whenever possible. - Make it at the right time for the recipient. In some cases, it is best to let the other person know of the issue first and explain that you will get back to the person with more information soon. Includes as many as possible of the following, in the following order: - An acknowledgment of common expectations - An acknowledgment of your failure to meet expectations - An expression of ownership for the failure - An assessment of impact on the other person (including how you believe it may have felt for the recipient) - A desire to hear about the recipient's feelings, if the recipient is willing - An unflinching judgment of yourself regarding the subject of the apology, although you must take care not to sound like a martyr - A statement of regret - An expression of apology - An indication of future intent to avoid the failure - A discussion of how you will prevent the failure, if the recipient is willing - A request for forgiveness What a good apology does NOT include: - The word "but..." - An explanation of how the failure happened-- unless it is needed to explain how you will prevent future failures or the other person asks. This may seem counterintuitive and hard to do, but restraint is vital - A comparison to other failures by ANYONE, including yourself-- unless requested - A defense or justification-- unless requested

In a nutshell, $name, you moved too quickly to problem-solving. Mary needed space for you to acknowledge the impact that this has and will have on her. The big takeaway: Apologies are NEVER about the apologizer... unless the other party asks. Apology goals: - Make it in person whenever possible. - Make it at the right time for the recipient. In some cases, it is best to let the other person know of the issue first and explain that you will get back to the person with more information soon. Includes as many as possible of the following, in the following order: - An acknowledgment of common expectations - An acknowledgment of your failure to meet expectations - An expression of ownership for the failure - An assessment of impact on the other person (including how you believe it may have felt for the recipient) - A desire to hear about the recipient's feelings, if the recipient is willing - An unflinching judgment of yourself regarding the subject of the apology, although you must take care not to sound like a martyr - A statement of regret - An expression of apology - An indication of future intent to avoid the failure - A discussion of how you will prevent the failure, if the recipient is willing - A request for forgiveness What a good apology does NOT include: - The word "but..." - An explanation of how the failure happened-- unless it is needed to explain how you will prevent future failures or the other person asks. This may seem counterintuitive and hard to do, but restraint is vital - A comparison to other failures by ANYONE, including yourself-- unless requested - A defense or justification-- unless requested

Mary, I'd really like to do what I can to move past this mistake and get what data I can to at least partially correct it," you say. "To be honest, $name, I'm not sure what you can do at this point; it just seems like you are covering your tracks." You explain your intent was just to make the best of an honest mistake, but you struggle to get past Mary's hurt feelings. You apologize again and leave, somewhat disappointed. [[Return to your office and reflect on what went wrong->Critique-not hear Mary's feelings]]

In a nutshell, $name: You did everything well except helping Mary see how she might be able to trust you in the future. Hearing even a little bit of a plan reinforces your ownership of the impact on the other person. The big takeaway: Apologies are NEVER about the apologizer... unless the other party asks. Apology goals: - Make it in person whenever possible. - Make it at the right time for the recipient. In some cases, it is best to let the other person know of the issue first and explain that you will get back to the person with more information soon. Includes as many as possible of the following, in the following order: - An acknowledgment of common expectations - An acknowledgment of your failure to meet expectations - An expression of ownership for the failure - An assessment of impact on the other person (including how you believe it may have felt for the recipient) - A desire to hear about the recipient's feelings, if the recipient is willing - An unflinching judgment of yourself regarding the subject of the apology, although you must take care not to sound like a martyr - A statement of regret - An expression of apology - An indication of future intent to avoid the failure - A discussion of how you will prevent the failure, if the recipient is willing - A request for forgiveness What a good apology does NOT include: - The word "but..." - An explanation of how the failure happened-- unless it is needed to explain how you will prevent future failures or the other person asks. This may seem counterintuitive and hard to do, but restraint is vital - A comparison to other failures by ANYONE, including yourself-- unless requested - A defense or justification-- unless requested

In a nutshell, $name: You apologized like a boss! It may feel weird that you really didn't talk about what happened at all-- or at least how and why it happened-- but Mary didn't need that. The big takeaway: Apologies are NEVER about the apologizer... unless the other party asks. Apology goals: - Make it in person whenever possible. - Make it at the right time for the recipient. In some cases, it is best to let the other person know of the issue first and explain that you will get back to the person with more information soon. Includes as many as possible of the following, in the following order: - An acknowledgment of common expectations - An acknowledgment of your failure to meet expectations - An expression of ownership for the failure - An assessment of impact on the other person (including how you believe it may have felt for the recipient) - A desire to hear about the recipient's feelings, if the recipient is willing - An unflinching judgment of yourself regarding the subject of the apology, although you must take care not to sound like a martyr - A statement of regret - An expression of apology - An indication of future intent to avoid the failure - A discussion of how you will prevent the failure, if the recipient is willing - A request for forgiveness What a good apology does NOT include: - The word "but..." - An explanation of how the failure happened-- unless it is needed to explain how you will prevent future failures or the other person asks. This may seem counterintuitive and hard to do, but restraint is vital - A comparison to other failures by ANYONE, including yourself-- unless requested - A defense or justification-- unless requested