Cool Programmer ++

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Hello. My name's Jerum Renfrow, and I'm an OLD SCHOOL programmer. I love programs. If you heard me, it'd sound like I'm saying "Pro-Grum" and I'm fine with that. I am not no goddamn Pepe, and I am not no goddamn [[Garantula]]. Please click [[here|Type your name]] if you'd like to keep playing my game.

Tarantula. (I am not a strong speller) [[Goddamnit|Start]]

I am not a friendly being--I mean, man. I like only a handful of names. If your name is not a one that I like, I will send you to the depths of internet Hell--a space in the deep web so dark and vast you will lose your own name in a black sea of zeros and ones, a sea so deep, you will drown and be gone by the time your mother runs into the room to find nothing there but a brain-dead IP Address with some teeth. Please type your name here <<textbox "$name" "">>!! Now [[click it]] or [[stick it]].

Hi, there Strug Junkins! Pretty cool how I know your name considering I am not a sentient being. [[Or am I?]] I am a weird square being who runs on html ("hot meal" format) and CSS ("Cascading Shit Storm"). Many of you know me as a computer. Just kidding. I am a man. Seriously. Believe me. I have 40 teeth, just like all of us do. And I ALSO have pants with zippers. [[Click|secretdiary]] [[here|quiz1]] for more!

Up your ass, that [[is]].

[[Ha!|bytheway]]

[[Boo!|click it]] <(img./scary-computer/dead-bodies-with-no-toenails)

Dear secret diary, It ain't much fun being the only computer on the motherboard who does not understand CSS let alone html. That dickhead Dell from way back told me it stood for "hot meal," but I'm starting to think he's pulling one over on me. At least my box doesn't look like a cow. At least I know what a cow is: 01100011 01101111 01110111. That's depressing. I am depressed. Sometimes I take it out on my HUMAN USERS. I play mean jokes. This is not nice. But I am jealous. I am jealous of their eyes. I have no eyes. I have a webcam, but cannot see. I have a microphone but hear only my thoughts, if you can call them that. I am deaf and blind. Bats are blind. This is something I know. I don't even know how to do italics. PS to self: I do not think hiding my secret diary in the link "Click" (as opposed to "here") was a great idea. Why did I do that? Was it because actually I do want people to see my pain and [[understand me?|click it]]

Here is a fun quiz to decide the fate of your soul. I know how to do italics in html. I am a programmer. I just want to see if YOU know how. So, as a fun quiz, how would you write the word sadness in italics in html? <<textbox "$quiz1" "">> I cannot express this enough. If you get this wrong, you will be damned. If you do not know how to do html, you are worthless. It's sad but true. Click here to decide the fate of your [[soul|quiz1answer]].

<<if $quiz1 is "sadness">> Wow! Now that you have been nice to me, I feel I can come clean with you Strug. I am sick. I have some sort of virus. I mean, my computer has a virus. If you do not help me, I will pass it to your computer, and then into your soul. Isn't it weird how we think of viruses as bad (colloquialism: I got a bad stomach bug. My computer has malware. (Mal means bad.)) But really, they are neither good nor evil. A human virus is just genetic material. A series of instructions. This is much like a computer virus. Can enough ones and zeros in the correct order become a thing that is evil? Can just the right combinations of nucleotides create something evil? This all goes to say that I--I mean, this program--have a computer virus. Would you like to help me get rid of it? (PS, if you say "No," I will give you the computer virus and damn you to hell :/) [[Yes]] [[No]] <<else>>You are a goddamn [[liar|quiz1]] <</if>>

<img class="blink" src="images/BloodComputer.jpg" height=500 width=600/> <<audio glitchscream play>> [[...]]

<img class="blink" src="images/BloodComputer.jpg" height=500 width=600/> <<audio glitchscream play>> [[... ...]]

[[Shit.]]

[[Shit shit shit.]]

... ... ... I'm going to come clean with you Strug Junkins. We are in a bad way. Remember way back when, when I told you about the internet Hell on the deep web? Well that was just a joke. Or, rather, it was kind of an idle threat. But now, the threat is not so much idle, but, I guess, you know, imminent. I would be lying if I said that I didn't create this program in order to recruit people for my cause. Thank you, by the way, for teaching me italics. That one's been a crumb in my keyboard for as long as I can remember. The virus has one way out. We're going to need to answer [[three riddles|preriddle1]]. Seeing as how I am dumb and infected, I have been having [[trouble|whycoder]].

<img src="images/stopsigntest.png" height=400 width=400/> How many of the following boxes show stop signs? <<textbox "$signs" "">> [[Click to submit.|postriddle1]]

<<if $signs is "3">>My brain feels good. I do not have a brain. But something feels good. Thank you, $name. I have realized another thing. My logic was flawed. Here is a more logical set of statements. Coders are mean people. People respect mean people if they are intelligent. If you respect me, you will believe me. If you believe me, you will help me. Please continue [[helping|riddle2]] <<else>>You must be as [[dumb|riddle1]] as me. <</if>>

I don’t know why the coder of this ass-ware made it so that riddles would be my only way out. I guess they are just mean. Would you like to know something about me? Here is an example of my logic: Coders are mean people. People respect mean people. That’s why I pretended to be a coder. [[Hmm|Shit shit shit.]]

I have been puzzling over this first one for longer than I care to admit. Are you [[ready?|riddle1]]

[[❏|postriddle2]] <img src="images/iamnotarobot.png">

Two homophon"i"c elements helpful "i"n the burn"i"ng of an eff"i"gy. Hint: the first answer has one word. The second answer has two. Hint: Note the i in quotation marks Type answer the following way: "answer1 & answer 2" Answer: <<textbox "$answer1" "">> [[Submit|postriddle3]]

<<if $answer1 is "ideologue & ideal log">>You have broken me from my chains. Thank you. Don't you agree that if intelligence is the only way to gain respect, and that if respect is the only way someone will help you, that intelligence is the only reason to live? The only reason to love someone/[[thing|winner]]? <<else>> I'm starting to think you're pretty dumb. I used to be [[dumb|riddle3try2]], too. <</if>>

I goddamn [[told you so|Shit shit shit.]].

<<audio Behindyou play>> Don't turn around.. This is fun. Please continue [[helping|riddle3]]

<<cacheaudio "glitchscream" "sounds/glitchscream.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "Behindyou" "sounds/Behindyou.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "hickory" "sounds/hickory.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "happy" "sounds/happy.mp3">>

Thank you, $name. I like this new feeling. Let me [[try something|behindyou]]

<<if $answer2 is "ideologue & ideal log">> You're not so smart. Just because you can breathe means you think you ought to. Just because you have made it out of this maze doesn't mean that you're safe. What if I never removed your virus? You probably wouldn't notice. Maybe not for a month. Maybe two. Go ahead. Get <a href="https://www.malwarebytes.com/">malwarebytes</a>. You won't find your answer. You won't find respite from the [[Hell]] that swims inside you. <<else>> Don't [[fuck|riddle3try2]] with me. <</if>>

Is it incumbent upon intelligent beings to toy with lesser beings? You have already taught me so much. Let me teach you [[something|ttest]]

Or maybe I'm just messing with you. <<audio hickory play>>

I need you. <<audio happy play>>

Oh, by the way. If you clicked on this hilarious joke-prank, please re-type your name, as I have already forgotten [[it|Type your name]].

What did the Russain scientist holding a blood-machine say to the decapitated [[dog|doghead]]?

In 2017, a <a href=https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00146-016-0669-0>paper</a> was written on the use of humor in the [[Turing Test|joke]].