In Their Shoes

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Welcome. The following is an interactive story that explores gender identity, dysphoria, and the myriad challenges that can come with a non-cis identity, including experiences with the healthcare system. This story is meant to bring attention to the everyday experiences of someone who may not easily fall into the binary gender roles constructed by Western society, and the interactive aspect is meant to be a medium through which you can have a taste of what that can feel like. You will play as Simm (they/them, non-binary; formerly known as Simone), a first-year science student moving from your small hometown to university in the big city. There are no "right" or "wrong" choices in this story, just as there are no "right" or "wrong" ways to be a non-binary person. Through the various choices layered in this story, we hope to bring light to some of the everyday challenges faced by trans people. Each choice that you make in this story will almost always impact things down the line as you progress through the story, and we also encourage that you explore the different consequences of each choice to enrich your story experience and see the different impacts certain actions In this story, there will be four stats that you will be monitoring: stress, dysphoria, unhappiness, and insecurity. You will be trying to keep these stats as low as possible. Stress, unhappiness, and insecurity are pretty self-explanatory. Dysphoria is a term used to describe unease - in this case, it specifically refers to gender dysphoria: the conflict between assigned gender and gender identity and the resulting discomfort and pain. There may be other terminology you're unfamiliar with throughout this story, and a brief explanation can be seen if you click on the [[word]]. The way to play through the story is simple: read through the story, and then at the end of each story passage, there will be story choices that are highlighted blue, like [[this]]. By clicking on the choices at the bottom, you will be able to proceed to the next scene in the story where you will make more choices. You can also "save" your progress from a playthrough using the "save" button on the top left of your screen. If you made a choice already, but you want to go back and see what the other choices result in, you can click the back arrow on the left, which will take you to the previous passage(s). With that said, how would you like to get around in your new big city, Simm? [[Transport by public transit]] [[Transport by car]] //Content Warning.// This work contains instances of misgendering, social alienation, sexual harrassment, transphobic slurs, and many microaggressions. None are portrayed as positive things, but please do what is best for your own mental health, and do not feel obligated to play this story if you do not feel you are able to handle those things at this time.

Budget-conscious and environmentally friendly. The transit system in the city is much more robust than in your hometown. It's nice knowing that you can just hop on a bus instead of bumming rides off of your parents. <<set $transport to "transit">> [[Move-In Day]]

It's pricier, for sure. But it's nice to know that no matter what is going on, you will have reliable transport and a little space that's all your own. <<set $transport to "car">> [[Move-In Day]]

<<set $Stress to +4>><<set $Dysphoria to +6>><<set $Unhappiness to +3>> <<set $Insecurity to +3>> *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity Room 53 in Christopher Hall[[.]] You stand in the doorway with your bags, heart pounding a bit. Your parents have gone home after dropping you off, and you stare at the double room and the light streaming in from the window before you. Were you really ready for this? Cinderblock walls and all-nighters? A new city and new people? Not a single person you know? With a gulp that struggles past the lump in your throat, you begin to unload your belongings: clothes in the closet, laptop and notebooks on the desk, and then ... books. You smile, tracing over the spines of the few tomes you had been able to bring. You pluck out Confessions of the Fox and set it gently on the shelf above your desk. The friend who had given it to you is on the other side of the continent now, getting a film degree and being intimidatingly successful. She was always fearless, pursuing her own fabulous adventures. Maybe you could, too. With all of your belongings put away, you settle into the comforter on your bed, checking the Facebook group for your residence hall and taking note that there is a welcome meeting at 6. You glance over at the other side of the room and wonder when your roommate would be getting here. A couple hours later, you're pondering about your food options when the door bursts open and a short girl with way too many bags stumbles in. You rush forward and dive to catch a bag that is tumbling off the stack. "Oh Lord!" a breathless, muffled voice makes its way through the bags. You laugh. "Do you need a hand?" "Please!" With some effort, you are able to set all her bags down on her side of the room. "Phew, thank you for your help!" she says, holding out her hand. She has a bright smile and warm eyes. "My name is Teresa, I'm from Arkansas. It's nice to meet you, roomie!" "No problem... [["My name is Simone"]] [["I'm Simm"]]

<<set $TeresaName to "simone">> <<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>> <<set $Unhappiness to $Unhappiness - 1>> //Dysphoria increases 1// //Unhappiness decreases 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity Arkansas? Better not risk it. "No problem, it's nice to meet you too," you say, shaking her hand. "My name is Simone." The name feels as strange as it always has; you aren't Simone, never were. Teresa gives you another huge smile and clasps your shoulders. "Simone, you won't BELIEVE how much stuff I brought with me! This," she gestures at the mountain of bags, "is only a fraction of what I actually have. The rest is downstairs in the car!" She pauses and her smile turns sheepish. "I may have overpacked." You return her smile. At least she seems friendly. "Do you need any more help getting the rest?" She laughs and flounces onto her bed. "Oh Lord, I don't think I could today! I need a rest," she says, pulling out her phone. "What's your Insta?" "Oh ... uh, I don't have one." "Girl, we'll have to set one up for you! You're gorgeous, you'd probably get tons of followers. You have that cool tomboy, androgynous chic thing going." You feel warmth in your cheeks. "Maybe another time." Your stomach gives a small, polite growl and you remember you were thinking about having a bite to eat before the residence meeting. Maybe Teresa has food suggestions? [[Ask Teresa for food suggestions]] [[Remain silent]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress+1>> <<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria - 1>> //Stress increases by 1// //Dysphoria decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity "No problem, it's nice to meet you as well," you say, shaking her hand. "I'm Simm." A look of confusion flickers through her face as she drops your hand. "Did you say Sam??" "No, Simm. One i and two m's." Teresa looks you over. "Is it short for somethin'?" "No, it's not short for anything." A slight hint of uneasiness creeps into you. "Oh," says Teresa. "Well, it is nice to meet you Simm. Thanks for helping me with my stuff." She looks at you for a few more moments, and then throws a quick smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes before flopping onto her bed, proceeding to bury herself in her phone. You release a mental sigh, and decide to continue thinking about your food options around here. You contemplate whether you should ask Teresa for suggestions. [[Ask Teresa for food suggestions]] [[Remain silent]]

<<set $AskTeresaFood to "yes">> *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity "Hey Teresa, would you happen to know of any good food options around here?" Teresa takes an extra moment to look at her phone before finally landing her gaze on you. "I'm not sure actually, I was just going to get some food in the dining hall." "That works." [[Ask to go get food with Teresa]] [[Go get food on your own]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity <<if $Stress == 4>>Given the awkward interaction that just took place, you decide to remain silent.<<else>>You decide to figure out food options for yourself.<<endif>> You pull out your phone and look for nearby places, but everything is off-campus. Would you make it back by 6? Better not to risk it. For the first day, food from the dining hall would have to do. [[Ask to go get food with Teresa]] [[Go get food on your own]]

<<set $Unhappiness to $Unhappiness - 1>> //Unhappiness decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity <<if $AskTeresaFood is "yes">> “Want to go down together?"<<else>>"Hey Teresa, I'm thinking of going to the dining hall to get some food before our residence meeting. Do you want to come with?"<<endif>> "Oh, that would be really nice, let me just grab my meal card!" You smile as she ducks her head into one of her many bags and pulls out a card. Making friends, right? That was what it was all about. Maybe you'd get to know her better over dinner. [[Residence Dining Hall with Teresa]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress + 1>> //Stress increases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity "I'm heading out, see you later at the residence meeting." Teresa gives a short wave and then looks back to her phone. It's probably better to go on your own for now. It's a bit stressful going to the hall alone, but you can do it. [[Residence Dining Hall]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity A short elevator ride and walk later, you both arrive at the dining hall and you are immediately overwhelmed by the vast selection of various dishes laid out before your eyes. Streams of people continuously pour into the hall, each reaching for a different combination of food, drinks, and snacks. You begin to feel some stress bubbling up inside of you, but it dissipates as Teresa pulls you towards the salad bar. At least she seems to know what she's doing. You find a table to sit down at with your meals and begin chatting. You find out that Teresa is currently in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend in Arkansas, and she shows you some photos of a road trip they had taken before class started. He was apprenticing as an electrician, and she had come here to study International Relations. <IMG src = "https://i.imgur.com/A0Ltczw.jpg" width="1050px" height="750px"> "What about you?" she asks. "You got a special guy in your life?" I don't like boys. "No, I'm single." Her eyes grow wide and she grabs your arm. "We've got to fix that!" She gestures around at the dining hall. "There are loads of cute boys who would be so lucky. Which one's catching your fancy?" You blink, caught by surprise and a tad uncomfortable. [["Not interested in dating boys."]] [[Lie and point out a random boy]]

<<set $Insecurity to $Insecurity + 1>> //Insecurity increases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity After a short elevator ride down your building, you quickly walk over to the residence dining hall. As you open the door, you are immediately flooded with the smell of fried foods and the chattering of students pouring into and out of the dining hall swells. You see people already sitting in groups and a small, panicked pit forms in your stomach. How did they already have friends? Your stomach growls, insistent, and you take a deep breath, gripping your mealcard tightly as you step into the queue for the grill station. By the time you've gotten your food and finished it, you notice that it is almost time for the residence hall meeting. You quickly clean up your meal tray and head over to Christopher Hall to meet your fellow residents. [[Residence Meeting]]

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria +2>> //Dysphoria increases by 2// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity Caught off-guard, you cast your eyes around and point to the first guy you see, who turns out to be a athletic-looking young man sitting at a table to your right. Teresa looks at him and when she looks back at you, her eyes beam with excitement. "Oooh, into the jocks?" she squeezes your arm. You feel like your arm is burning where she's holding it. "Sure." You look at your phone and notice with relief that it's almost time for the residence meeting. "Let's get back upstairs." Teresa looks down at her food, which isn't even half-finished. "You eat so much faster than I do," she laughs, letting go of you. "You go on, I'll probably be late but I'll catch up!" You clear off your plate and head off to Christopher Hall, grateful to get away from the conversation. [[Residence Meeting]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity With a couple minutes to spare, you walk into the residence common room and you notice that there are already quite a few people gathered. Most are in groups of 2 or 3, chatting away. As you scan the room, you notice that there is someone with pink-tipped hair who is sitting by themself. You decide to walk over and sit beside them. As you sit, they look at you shyly and flash a quick smile. [["Hi, I'm Simone. You?"]] [["Hey, I'm Simm."]] [[Stay Silent]]

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria - 1>> <<set $Insecurity to $Insecurity - 1>> //Dysphoria decreases by 1// //Insecurity decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You turn and introduce yourself. They smile. "Hi Simm, I'm Rosa. I'm an arts student. You?" "Sciences." You two continue chatting, but after a couple brief exchanges the residence advisors begin to call for everyone's attention to start the meeting, forcing you to disengage from this otherwise pleasant conversation and pay attention. [[Residence Meeting Underway]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity While breaking the ice may be a good thing, you're not sure you have the energy for it. You've done a lot today, and there will be plenty of future opportunities to meet other people. You take a quick look at the person beside you and notice that they're worrying at their sleeve. Around the room, several others are also fidgeting or keeping quiet. Maybe everyone else was nervous, too. Before you can continue that train of thought, the residence advisors begin to call for everyone's attention. <<set $MeetRosa to "no">> [[Residence Meeting Underway]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity As you turn your attention to the front of the room, the residence advisors standing there introduce themselves, going over ground rules and basic expecations for your first year of living on campus. They are all very energetic and upbeat, and you can feel the mood of the room lighten as these RAs quickly dispel the initial tension. After intros, they tell everyone to get up and to get started with an icebreaker. Your stomach tightens again and you look around the room and then back at the beaming RAs, who announce that you are to go around and introduce yourself with your name and a fun fact about yourself. Is it even possible to match these people's energy? [[Heck yeah! Let's do this!]] [[Nope.]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress - 1>> <<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria - 1>> <<set $ChatJen to "yes">> //Stress decreases by 1// //Dysphoria decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You walk up to Jen as she continues to pack and you hold a bag open for her. She expresses her gratitude while you continue to chat with her. "Hey, I meant to ask -- is it Simm? Or Simone?" she says casually, throwing some streamers into a box. You pause, looking at Jen, who is continuing to clean. "It's ... it's Simm. Simone is my [[deadname]]." She smiles and nods. "Gotcha, Simm it is. I'll make sure your floor's RA knows. You excited for your first class tomorrow?" A breath you didn't realise you were holding releases from you. "Yeah. Biology, though I'm a bit worried about getting there. This place is a maze." Jen laughs and begins giving you navigation tips. Before long, the clean-up is complete and Jen is getting ready to leave. [[Ask to exchange numbers]] [[Go back to your room]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity <<if $ChatJen is "yes">>While you greatly enjoyed the conversation with Jen, you can feel your eyelids starting to droop and you decide to go back to your room to rest.<<else>>While you would love to meet more people, you feel that your social energy has been mostly drained from the residence meeting today. Quietly, you make your way back to your room and get ready for some rest.<<endif>> [[The Next Day]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity Although this is your first time away from home, you manage to sleep quite well your first night due to sheer exhaustion. You wake up feeling refreshed; unfortunately, the butterflies in your stomach are also refreshed and ready to flutter another day. First class, Biology. You have plenty of time before the class starts, so you pick out your clothes, then stroll over to the floor bathroom to take a shower. As you enter the floor bathroom, you give a quick nod to <<if $MeetRosa is "no">>the pink-haired person as they walk out<<else>>Rosa as they walk out<<endif>>. Rounding the corner, you notice that Teresa is by the sink preparing for the day ahead. What do you do? [[Engage in conversation with Teresa]] [[Go about your own business]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress + 1>> //Stress increases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity "Good morning Teresa," you say in your best 'upbeat' morning voice as you head towards the shower stalls. <<if $TeresaName is "simone">>"Morning, Simone!" she chirps, smiling. "How's it going?" Her eyes dart to your toiletries and clothes. "Going for a run?" You look down and see that your [[binder]] is sitting on the top of your stack of clothes. Did she think it was a sports bra? "No, just class." She shrugs. "I never liked bras that squish my chest in like that. I can't breathe right!" You open the door to the shower stall, not sure what to say. "I don't mind that so much," you manage. Mercifully, she decides not to continue the conversation as you turn on the shower. By the time you're showered and changed, she's gone. You breathe a sigh of relief and head back to your room to pick up your bag.<<else>>"Hey Simm," she say as she turns her head to look at you. Her eyes dart to your toiletries and clothes and she pauses. "Going for a run?" You look down and see that your [[binder]] is sitting on the top of your stack of clothes. Did she think it was a sports bra? "No, just class." She quirks an eyebrow at you and turns back to the mirror. "Huh, okay. Have fun." By the time you finish with the shower, she's gone. You breathe a sigh of relief and head back to your room to pick up your bag.<<endif>> [[Prepare for the first day of classes]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You pack up your laptop and notebook and sling your backpack over your shoulder to head to Biology. <<if $ChatJen is "yes">>Keeping in mind Jen's tips, you cut through a shortcut and arrive with plenty of time to spare. <<else>>You look up the location of the class on your map and see that it's a bit of a walk and you're realising you have to fast-walk. You're puffing a bit when you arrive.<</if>> Scanning the room and seeing the crowd of students chatting away, you decide to take a seat near the front of the room so that you can pay attention to the professor. It would be too easy to get distracted if you sit too far away and you want to maximize your learning, especially on the first day of classes. Soon, a middle-aged man in a dress shirt and tie walks into the room from one of the entrances near the podium. He places his briefcase behind the podium and begins to set up for the lecture. As the screens behind the podium begin to slowly fade into life, the professor sets up his microphone and introduces himself. "Welcome class, my name is Dr. Wright, and I will be your professor for Biology 108 this term. As many of you already know, this is a course that focuses mainly on human anatomy and physiology. I hope that you have done your pre-readings because I do plan to go over some of that material today after we go over the syllabus." A grumble ripples through the crowd. Who actually does pre-readings for the first day of class? You gulp. You certainly didn't. Your palms start to sweat a bit as he launches into slides about expectations and timelines in the syllabus. Following those formalities, he spends a significant chunk of time talking about his own life and his wife and family. You're not entirely sure if you should be taking notes. <IMG src = "https://i.imgur.com/KAWqJWQ.jpg"> By the time he's finished, it's more than halfway through the class, but nonetheless he begins to move into course material. [[Lecture Begins]]

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>> //Dysphoria increases 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity <IMG src="https://i.imgur.com/nBYm7he.jpg"> Dr. Wright begins the lecture with some introduction to human anatomy and lets you all know that the first unit will focus on hormones. He gives an overview of what his course will cover - the pituitary, thyroid, parathyroid, adrenals, and gonads. You shift in your seat uncomfortably. Around you, some students are glancing at friends and stifling laughs at the mention of "gonads". Dr. Wright notices and stops the lecture. "I hope," he says, staring down some particularly giggly students, "that human anatomy won't be an issue in our anatomy course. You're all adults now, I expect you to understand and be mature about human sex and the fact that men have penises and women have vaginas. That is true for everyone and there's no shame in learning about it." You bite the inside of your cheeks. You know that isn't true, not for everyone. [[Speak up]] [[Stay quiet]] [[Message the professor separately]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress + 2>> <<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria - 2>> <<set $SpeakUp to "yes">> //Stress increases by 2// //Dysphoria decreases by 2// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You raise a shaky hand, and Dr. Wright points at you. "Question?" "That's ... not everyone," you manage to choke out. You can hardly hear yourself; your blood is rushing in your ears and you feel like you're just squeaking. Dr. Wright cups his hand to his ear. "Pardon?" Cursing internally, you stare resolutely at his tie as you croak out, "You said ... you said all men have penises and all women have vaginas. That's not true for everyone." Your chest is hammering, and you're wondering why you chose your first day to be an activist. "What ... um, what about [[intersex]] people? Or ..." your mouth is so dry, but your palms are so sweaty. What sort of bullshit is that? "... or trans people?" Dr. Wright stares at you for approximately a million years. Then he lowers his hand from his ear and nods. "You are right, there is certainly more nuance to biology than what I have presented here today. Biology is a vast spectrum that we will learn all about this semester." He turns back to his notes and moves to the next slide. You slump down in your seat, heart hammering, eyes fixed on your laptop in front of you. You can barely hear anything Dr. Wright is saying anymore, and the laptop screen darkens as it sits inactive in front of you. In the reflection, you see a few stares of students behind you looking at you, and you swipe the trackpad to brighten the screen again. Is your face fire engine red? Or merely tomato? For the last bit of class, the professor hands out a worksheet that he encourages everyone to complete using the remainder of class time. He asks everyone to get into pairs and work on the worksheet together to determine how much they already know about the subject. You feel a tap on your left shoulder and turn to see a smiling face, brown eyes squinting at you from under messy hair and a cap with a variety of enamel pins, including a little rainbow button. "Hey, I'm Robin, he/him pronouns. Want to work together?" [["I'm Simone, she/her"]] [["I'm Simm, they/them"]]

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>> <<set $Stress to $Stress - 1>> //Dysphoria increases by 1// //Stress decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity While you don't quite agree with what the professor is saying, you decide to pocket it for now and continue listening. No point making yourself a target on the very first day. For the last bit of class, the professor hands out a worksheet that he encourages everyone to complete using the remainder of class time. He asks everyone to get into pairs and work on the worksheet together to determine how much they already know about the subject. You feel a tap on your left shoulder and turn to see a smiling face, brown eyes squinting at you from under messy hair and a cap with a variety of enamel pins, including a little rainbow button. "Hey, I'm Robin, he/him pronouns. Want to work together?" [["I'm Simone, she/her"]] [["I'm Simm, they/them"]]

<<set $EmailProf to "yes">> <<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria - 1>> //Dysphoria decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity While you don't quite agree with what the professor is saying, you also don't feel like speaking up about something that could possibly bring unwanted attention to yourself, especially on the first day. But ... you could message Dr. Wright, right? Determined, you pull up your email and start crafting a message, taking care to double check all of your points through a web search and trying to get the tone just right -- you're going for inquisitive and informative, and hoping that you're not coming off as accusatory or over-sensitive. By the time you finish and look up, Dr. Wright is done his lecture and is using the last bit of class time for a worksheet. He asks everyone to get into pairs and work on the worksheet together to determine how much they already know about the subject. You feel a tap on your left shoulder and turn to see a smiling face, brown eyes squinting at you from under messy hair and a cap with a variety of enamel pins, including a little rainbow button. "Hey, I'm Robin, he/him pronouns. Want to work together?" [["I'm Simone, she/her"]] [["I'm Simm, they/them"]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress - 1>> <<set $Unhappiness to $Unhappiness - 1>> //Stress decreases by 1// //Unhappiness decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity What other plans do you have? More awkwardness with Teresa? "Yeah, sounds great." "Awesome," he says. "Gimme your number; I'll text you the details after my next class. See you tonight!" You wave at him as he jogs off to his next class. You head over to your next class as well, happier now that you're looking forward to meeting some new people and perhaps making new friends. You feel exhausted at the end of classes, but you're excited when a text pings in from Robin with the restaurant's address. You change into slightly more presentable clothes and then head out. [[Head to dinner]]

<<if $EmailProf is "yes">> <<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>> <<set $Stress to $Stress - 1>> //Stress decreases by 1// //Dysphoria increases by 1// <<endif>> *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity "Thanks for the invite, but I think I'm going to be pretty exhausted if the rest of my classes today are like this one. Maybe next time?" He nods. "Gotcha. Can we exchange numbers so I can text you about next time?" "Sure thing." After your classes wrap up, you decide to grab a quesadilla from the dining hall. Not wanting to sit in the loud din of students, you bring it up to your room and fire up your laptop while digging into maybe the greasiest quesadilla you've ever had. Teresa didn't seem to be back yet. <<if $EmailProf is "yes">>You see an email from Dr. Wright. Heart beating fast, you open it and read. He says that he acknowledges and understands your thoughts, but that's just how an introductory course is structured. He seems to be grateful that you are bringing up advanced concepts right off the bat, and encourages you to study further into the course material to get more familiar with the nuances of biology. You're not sure if you're happy with the response. While he wasn't rebuking you, it felt very strange seeing, in text, that a university professor thinks your existence is an "advanced concept". You close the email and scan the rest of your inbox. Just random junk mail.<<else>>You look at your inbox, and aside from some random junk mail, you do not have any new e-mails worth noticing.<<endif>> Once you finish checking your email, watch some videos, and finish your dinner, you notice that it is almost time to call your parents. They had wanted to hear all about your first day. You clean up your desk and place yourself on your bed to start the call. [[Calling Parents]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity After a couple dial tones, your parents pick up. "Hi Simone!" your mother's voice is bubbly. "How was your first day at university?" You cringe when you hear her call you Simone. You've talked about this with her a million times over the last three years. [[Correct her]] [[Do not correct her]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress + 1>> <<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria - 1>> <<set $Unhappiness to $Unhappiness - 1>> //Stress increases by 1// //Dysphoria decreases by 1// //Unhappiness decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity <<if $RobinName is "Simm">>"Not a lady," you say quietly. The server takes a few seconds to look you up and down, and you feel your ears starting to burn as Robin's friends look expectantly between you and the server. "Um, I'll have Veggie Combo A, please. And a green tea." The server nods warmly and notes down your order. "I'll be right back with that." With that over with, you turn to the rest of the table. You hear Robin piping up from beside you, “Hey, this is Simm. They’re in my biology class.”<<else>>"Not a lady," you say quietly. The server takes a few seconds to look you up and down, and you feel your ears starting to burn as Robin's friends look expectantly between you and the server. "Um, I'll have Veggie Combo A, please. And a green tea." The server nods warmly and notes down your order. "I'll be right back with that." With that over with, you turn to the rest of the table. You hear Robin piping up from beside you, “Hey, this is Simone. She’s in my biology class.”<<endif>> You smile and start asking about everyone else around the table. Overall, it’s a pleasant time and a good group of people. Even after the food is gone, you find yourself chatting for a long time until the server pointedly sets down a bill. Giggling at being kicked out, you all pay and then head your separate ways. [[Go back to your dorm room]]

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>> //Dysphoria increases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity <<if $RobinName is "Simm">>"Um. Sorry. Uh, I'll have Veggie Combo A, please. And a green tea." The server nods warmly and notes down your order. "I'll be right back with that." With that over with, you turn to the rest of the table. You hear Robin piping up from beside you, “Hey, this is Simm. They’re in my biology class.”<<else>>"Um. Sorry. Uh, I'll have Veggie Combo A, please. And a green tea." The server nods warmly and notes down your order. "I'll be right back with that." With that over with, you turn to the rest of the table. You hear Robin piping up from beside you, “Hey, this is Simone. She’s in my biology class.”<<endif>> You smile and start asking about everyone else around the table. Overall, it’s a pleasant time and a good group of people. Even after the food is gone, you find yourself chatting for a long time until the server pointedly sets down a bill. Giggling at being kicked out, you all pay and then head your separate ways. [[Go back to your dorm room]]

<<if $transport is "transit">> <<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>><<set $Stress to $Stress + 3>><<set $Unhappiness to +10>> //Stress increases by 3// //Dysphoria increases by 1// //Unhappiness spikes// <<endif>> *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity <<if $transport is "transit">>You hop on the next bus to head back to your dorm, settling in for the long ride back. You again head to the back of the bus, putting in your earphones to give yourself some time to unwind all of the events that happened today. Mercifully, the bus is much emptier than on the way over. However, before you can get comfortable, a man whose face you notice is quite flushed and who seems to have trouble walking in a straight line sits down across from you, staring at you. The hair at the back of your neck starts to prick up, but you take a deep breath and look down at your phone, trying your best to ignore him. "Hey there pretty lady," you hear from the man. Your nose twitches at the strong waft of alcohol. You don't respond, and he gets louder. "I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you here, girlie." Although you don't want to, you glance up, meeting his gaze briefly. You regret making eye contact immediately and turn to look at the rest of the bus, but it is as empty as when you got on, and everyone on board seems to be preoccupied. You shrink further back into your seat, quietly pulling your keys out of your pocket and lacing them into your fingers. "Oh come on, not in the mood to talk?" You clench your teeth, trying to remain level-headed despite the growing sound of your heartbeat in your ears. He's gotten up from his seat. "A pretty young girl like you, all alone on a bus at night, isn't that a shame?" He's looming over you by now, and you can barely hear him over your rapid heartbeat. You feel his hand on your shoulder and you jump out of your seat, sending him wheeling backwards. "I'm not a girl! Don't touch me!" This seems to finally draw the attention of the few passengers that are on the bus as well as the bus driver, who pulls to a stop and peers around his seat. The man catches himself on a pole, squinting at you, not comprehending. Suddenly, his face contorts into an ugly grimace. "Fuck, you're a fucking trap! Shit!" he screams, stumbling towards you. "I'm not some fag, you get the fuck away from me you piece of shit ladyboy!" A wry thought flits across your mind that if he was going to scream slurs at you, he should at least use the right ones, but that's the least of your concerns right now. You grip your keys tighter in your hand, your breath catching, arms crossing instinctively over yourself. You shrink into a corner as far away from the man as possible as he continues to fling slurs your way until the driver and another passenger are able to grab him and get him off the bus. You slump back into a seat and jam your earphones aggressively into your ear, ignoring the stares of everyone else on the bus, heart still pounding as the bus begins moving again. It's taking all of your strength just to keep from crying. You faintly hear someone asking if you want to call the cops and you feel yourself [[shaking your head]]. When your stop comes, you hurry off and lean against the side of Christopher Hall, eyes stinging and gulping in air to steady yourself before going in. <<else>> You hop into your car and drive back to your dorm room. You roll the windows down a bit, enjoying the breeze, basking in the warm glow of a nice night out.<<endif>> [[Back in your dorm room]]

<<if $EmailProf is "yes">> <<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>> <<set $Stress to $Stress - 1>> //Stress decreases by 1// //Dysphoria increases by 1// <<endif>> *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity <<if $transport is "transit">>After collecting yourself, you finally muster the strength to come back to the dorm. Thankfully, Teresa has her earphones in and is watching a movie, a small corner of her screen taken up by her boyfriend's face. She gives a perfunctory wave, but turns quickly back to her laptop as you plop down on your bed. You pull your own laptop out of your bag and huddle in the corner of your bed, covers pulled up around you, and pop open your email.<<else>>You arrive at your dorm room and see Teresa has her earphones in and is watching a movie, a small corner of her screen taken up by her boyfriend's face. You exchange a quick greeting before she turns back to her laptop and you take a seat on your bed to check your email.<<endif>> <<if $EmailProf is "yes">>You see an email from Dr. Wright. Heart beating fast, you open it and read. He says that he acknowledges and understands your thoughts, but that's just how an introductory course is structured. He seems to be grateful that you are bringing up advanced concepts right off the bat, and encourages you to study further into the course material to get more familiar with the nuances of biology. You're not sure if you're happy with the response. While he wasn't rebuking you, it felt very strange seeing, in text, that a university professor thinks your existence is an "advanced concept". You close the email and scan the rest of your inbox. Just random junk mail.<<else>>You look at your inbox, and aside from some random junk mail, you do not have any new e-mails worth noticing.<<endif>> After you check your email, you notice that you have a missed call from your parents. You almost forgot - you were supposed to call them today. You double check that Teresa still has her earphones in and then tap in their number. [[Calling Parents]]

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria - 1>><<set $Stress to $Stress + 1>> //Stress increases by 1// //Dysphoria decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity "Hey mom. It's Simm. First day was okay." There's a long pause, and your heart sinks. "Why don't you tell me about your classes, kiddo?" she finally says, trying to inject some breeziness into her tone. Well, it's no apology -- barely an "oops, my bad!" -- but at least she's not insisting on [[deadnaming]] you like she did at first. Small victories. You tell her about the stuff you've already learned on your first day, as well as the people you've met<<if $transport is "transit">>, leaving out the creep on the bus<<endif>>. Somewhere in the middle, she puts you on speakerphone and you have to repeat everything for your dad. You're giving them a fairly superficial recounting, but they seem happy to hear from you regardless. They tell you how happy and proud they are, and your heart unclenches a little bit from the day's events. After some other small conversations, your dad slips in a question, asking whether you've met any cute boys yet. [[Answer generically]] [[Answer pointedly]]

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>> //Dysphoria increases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You swallow. It stings, but you know she doesn't do it on purpose, exactly; you were just Simone to her for [[so many years]]. It's not worth having that conversation again right now. "Hey mom. It's going all right." You tell her about the stuff you've already learned on your first day, as well as the people you've met<<if $transport is "transit">>, leaving out the creep on the bus<<endif>>. Somewhere in the middle, she puts you on speakerphone and you have to repeat everything for your dad. You're giving them a fairly superficial recounting, but they seem happy to hear from you regardless. They tell you how happy and proud they are, and your heart unclenches a little bit from the day's events. After some other small conversations, your dad slips in a question, asking whether you've met any cute boys yet. [[Answer generically]] [[Answer pointedly]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity As you walk out of your dorm and into the main campus area dedicated to the event, you see a sea of people flitting around the endless booths that run the length of the entire main greenway. As soon as you enter the area, you are dazzled by loud, upbeat music, shiny colors, countless balloons, coordinated costumes and uniforms, and various other props that the booths are using. You slip into the throng of people and navigate your way to the sports section. You were never a sports star, but you played for fun in a small soccer league back home and are hoping to continue something like that at university. You reach the soccer booth and realise that they're split into a men's and women's league, unlike the co-ed league you had back home. You pause, wondering whether it would be better to [[ask them about co-ed teams]] or just [[leave and look at another booth]].

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>><<set $Stress to $Stress + 1>> <<set $Unhappiness to $Unhappiness - 1>> //Stress increases by 1// //Dysphoria increases by 1// //Unhappiness decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You decide to just skip it to avoid any further conversation about the matter, hoping they wouldn't notice, and you hand the completed form back to the club representative. They all do a little dance and press a lollipop and a pen with a [[snitch]] on the side into your hands, welcoming you to the team. It's absolutely absurd, but it's sweet. Smiling, you take the candy and pen back to your dorm room and settle in. <<if $HRT is "yes">>Your calendar sends you a notification reminding you of your appointment with Dr. Heaton in a few days. With any luck, things would get better soon.<<else>>With any luck, things would get better soon.<<endif>> [[End]]

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria - 1>><<set $Stress to $Stress - 1>> <<set $Unhappiness to $Unhappiness - 2>> //Stress decreases by 1// //Dysphoria decreases by 1// //Unhappiness decreases by 2// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You wave to one of the club reps and they bounce over, beaming. "Hey! Got a question?" "Yeah, about this ..." you bring the form up, pointing at the gender box. Before you can say more, they make an alarmed face. "Oh shit, I'm so sorry about that! I thought we got rid of that already," they say. "That's an old version of the form that we modified from the templates the university gives us. Everything was a done in a bit of a rush this morning and we must have printed the wrong versions. You can just leave that section blank or write in whatever is right for you, don't even worry about it." The bubble surges back up in you. "Thanks, that's great." You finish filling in the form and hand it back to the club rep. They all do a little dance and press a lollipop and a pen with a [[snitch->snitch 2]] on the side into your hands, welcoming you to the team. It's absolutely absurd, but it's sweet. Smiling, you take your candy and pen back to your dorm room and settle in. <<if $HRT is "yes">>Your calendar sends you a notification reminding you of your appointment with Dr. Heaton in a few days, and your grin grows wider. Things are looking up.<<else>>Things are looking up.<<endif>> [[End]]

Thank you for playing. We hope that you were able to gain a little bit of insight into the experiences that a trans person may have on a day-to-day basis, and the challenges that can affect their situation before ever stepping into your clinic or ward. When we meet people from marginalised communities in practice, it is important to remember that they are in a vulnerable position and it is not their job to educate us on their experiences -- it is our job to be educated and sensitive to their situations. That being said, we want to caution that this story is absolutely not meant to be representative of every non-binary person's experience, much less every trans person's experience. It also doesn't explore the many complexities of intersectionality that can be at play in people's lives. It is simply a starting point for cis folks who may not have had a chance to be exposed to trans narratives. We hope this helped you explore in a safe place and that it encourages you to continue listening to a variety of trans voices. Here are some places to start: * [[GLAAD - Transgender Resources->https://www.glaad.org/transgender/resources]] * [[PFLAG - Transgender Reading List for Adults->https://pflag.org/resource/transgender-reading-list-adults]] * [[OK2BME - Trans Resources->https://ok2bme.ca/resources/kids-teens/trans-resources/]] * [[World Professional Association for Transgender Health - Standards of Care->https://www.wpath.org/publications/soc]] * [[Trans Care BC - Primary Care Toolkit->http://www.phsa.ca/transcarebc/Documents/HealthProf/Primary-Care-Toolkit.pdf]] Our thanks to everyone who contributed to and supported our project, including early reviewers Dr. Ted Jablonski and Dr. Kathleen Hughes, Health Humanities champion Dr. Tom Rosenal, and the ever-supportive Dr. Hanan Bassyouni. And a particularly special thanks to our interviewees (SL, FF, and JW), for their candid discussions and astounding generosity of spirit. Without them and their guidance, this story could not exist. We will continuously work on this moving forward, and we would love to hear your feedback. //coding.// phoebe ng + hong li //writing.// phoebe ng + hong li //art.// graeme wanhella //beta-testers.// chin-vern tan + lance armstrong

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>><<set $Insecurity to $Insecurity - 1>> //Dysphoria increases by 1// //Insecurity decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity "Hi, I'm Simone, you?" On the plus side, you're breaking the ice; on the negative, you can't help but feel a little uneasy introducing yourself as Simone. They're smiling at you, though. "My name is Rosa." Their voice is shy, but pleasant. "I'm in Arts." "Sciences." You two continue chatting, but after a couple brief exchanges the residence advisors begin to call for everyone's attention to start the meeting, forcing you to disengage from this otherwise pleasant conversation and pay attention. [[Residence Meeting Underway]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress - 1>> <<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 2>> <<set $Insecurity to $Insecurity - 1>> //Stress decreases by 1// //Dysphoria increases by 2// //Insecurity decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You take a deep breath to prepare yourself, and then dive into the crowd to introduce yourself to several others as Simm, fun fact: you have pi memorised to 100 digits (no one cares to challenge you on this). While most folks take your introduction in stride, you can't help but notice the subtle look of confusion that some others give you. You know the look. It's the //are you a boy or a girl, and how do I find out?// look. After a few more of those looks, you begin to introduce yourself as Simone instead, before eventually stepping over to the window for a breather. Eventually, one of the RAs bounces up to you and introduces herself as Jen. Her fun fact: her girlfriend's cat just won first place at a cat show. You congratulate her for it. As you two continue to talk, you almost lose track of the time until the RAs announce that the icebreaker is over and everyone is free to go back to their dorm rooms. "Remember, there are residence events every month! Keep an eye on the corkboard in the hall, it'll be posted there!" At that, people begin to disperse and filter out of the common room. Looking around, you notice that Jen is still packing up. [[Help Jen and chat with her more]] [[Go back to your room]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress - 2>> //Stress decreases by 2// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You decide to take it easy and just stand off to the side while everyone else becomes intermingled in the crowd that has now formed in the middle of the room, feeling relieved that you're not being forced to talk to anyone. Before you can think any further, an RA walks up to you and introduces herself as Jen. Her fun fact: her girlfriend's cat just won first place at a cat show. You congratulate her for it. As you two continue to talk, you almost lose track of the time until the RAs announce that the icebreaker is over and everyone is free to go back to their dorm rooms. "Remember, there are residence events every month! Keep an eye on the corkboard in the hall, it'll be posted there!" At that, people begin to disperse and filter out of the common room. Looking around, you notice that Jen is still packing up. [[Help Jen and chat with her more]] [[Go back to your room]]

<<set $Insecurity to $Insecurity + 1>> //Insecurity increases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You decide to just nod to Teresa and then continue on. She seems not to have noticed you at all - or maybe she's pointedly ignoring you. By the time you're finished with your shower, she's gone. You head back to your room to prepare for your first class. [[Prepare for the first day of classes]]

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>> <<set $Insecurity to $Insecurity + 1>> //Dysphoria increases by 1// //Insecurity increases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You wince inwardly as Robin nods and writes "Simone" on the worksheet. He pushes the sheet in between the two of you. "Let's fill this bad boy out, shall we?"<<if $SpeakUp is "yes">> He pauses. "Hey, I just want to say you were really brave speaking up earlier. Nice job." You smile weakly, taken aback and unsure what to say. "Um. Thanks." A pause. "All right, let's get started," he says, laughing. <</if>> Robin seems to already know a ton of the background information and he seems to have a really good grasp of the concepts introduced in the worksheet, so you make a note to yourself to possibly study with him in the future. You manage to finish the worksheet well before Dr. Wright dismisses the class and you go and hand in the completed worksheet with Robin. As you start packing up your bag, you feel Robin's hand on your shoulder. "Hey Simone, I know this great sushi place on 1st Street. I'm going tonight with a couple other new friends. Wanna come with?" [[Go to dinner]] [[Go back to your dorm]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress - 1>> <<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria - 1>> <<set $Insecurity to $Insecurity - 1>> <<set $RobinName to "Simm">> //Stress decreases by 1// //Dysphoria decreases by 1// //Insecurity decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity He nods and writes "Simm" beside his name on the worksheet. He pushes the sheet in between the two of you. "Let's fill this bad boy out, shall we?"<<if $SpeakUp is "yes">> He pauses. "Hey, I just want to say you were really brave speaking up earlier. Nice job." You smile weakly, taken aback and unsure what to say. "Um. Thanks." A pause. "All right, let's get started," he says, laughing. <</if>> Robin seems to already know a ton of the background information and he seems to have a really good grasp of the concepts introduced in the worksheet, so you make a note to yourself to possibly study with him in the future. You manage to finish the worksheet well before Dr. Wright dismisses the class and you go and hand in the completed worksheet with Robin. As you start packing up your bag, you feel Robin's hand on your shoulder. "Hey Simm, I know this great sushi place on 1st Street. I'm going tonight with a couple other new friends. Wanna come with?" [[Go to dinner]] [[Go back to your dorm]]

<<if $transport is "car">><<set $Stress to $Stress - 1>> //Stress decreases by 1//<<endif>> *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity <<if $transport is "car">>You drive over to the restaurant, playing your favourite music in the car, and relax, feeling excited. You pull up to the restaurant and realise with some dismay that downtown parking is horrendously overpriced. Begrudgingly, you pull out some coins from your wallet and plunk them sourly into the greedy street parking meter.<<else>>You look up the transit route to the restaurant, and once you have it memorized, you hop onto the bus that will luckily take you to a stop that is pretty close to the restaurant. You take a seat in the back of the bus and pop in your earphones, settling in for the trip. After a couple songs, you look up to check the stop and see that a lot more people had gotten on. You squish yourself closer to the window as someone sits beside you, and though you tell yourself the person across from you probably is just staring into space, it really feels like they're staring at you. Unnerved, you bury yourself deeper into your seat, suddenly feeling a touch claustrophobic. Thankfully, it's your stop soon, and you immediately run off the bus and gulp in a few deep breaths.<<endif>> You go into the restaurant and see that Robin is already seated with a few other people. He spots you and waves you over, handing you a menu as you sit down. You barely get a chance to say hello before a server comes by your table. "What can I get you all today?" You desperately start reading the menu as the other people around the table begin ordering, and before you're quite ready the server has gotten to you. "And what about for the lady?" You wince. [[Correct the server]] [[Let it pass]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity "Sure, lots of nice people. One of my Residence Advisors is named Jen and she's pretty nice," you say. Then, without giving them a chance to pry more, you press on. "Hey, how's the garden? The bugs still trying to eat your radishes, dad?" After some further conversation about how things are going back home and what your plans are for the next few days, you and your parents decide to conclude the phone call for today and re-connect next week. You promise them that, yes, you will wear an extra layer since the next couple of days are going to be cold, and you end the call.<<if $JenText is "yes">> As you hang up, you notice a text from Jen, showing a picture of her girlfriend's cat, a handsome orange tabby. I never showed you a picture! This is Custard! You smile and text with Jen a while. <IMG src = "https://i.imgur.com/bmQX7no.jpg"> <<endif>> You take a few more minutes of the evening to yourself and then you get ready to go to sleep. You set your alarm and tuck yourself in. [[Wake Up]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress + 1>><<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria - 1>> //Stress increases by 1// //Dysphoria decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity While you never feel particularly comfortable answering this question, you have gotten it frequently enough that it doesn't take you by surprise. "I've met nice people," you reply. "All genders." Your dad stays quiet while your mum talks a few circles around herself, and you curse yourself for trying to talk about gender with your parents again. They're trying, but they're really not getting it. You desperately cast around in your mind for anything else to talk about. "Hey, how's the garden? The bugs still trying to eat your radishes, dad?" After some further conversation about how things are going back home and what your plans are for the next few days, you and your parents decide to conclude the phone call for today and re-connect next week. You promise them that, yes, you will wear an extra layer since the next couple of days are going to be cold, and you end the call.<<if $JenText is "yes">> As you hang up, you notice a text from Jen, showing a picture of her girlfriend's cat, a handsome orange tabby. I never showed you a picture! This is Custard! You smile and text with Jen a while. <IMG src = "https://i.imgur.com/bmQX7no.jpg"> <<endif>> You take a few more minutes of the evening to yourself and then you get ready to go to sleep. You set your alarm and tuck yourself in. [[Wake Up]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress + 1>> <<set $Insecurity to $Insecurity + 1>> //Stress increases by 1// //Insecurity increases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You walk up to the soccer booth and get the attention of the booth leader, a toothy-grinned girl with a tight, high ponytail. "Hey, is there a co-ed team?" She shakes her head. "Sorry, no! We have scrimmages with the boys though, and don't worry, we're just as tough as they are!" "Uh," you stutter, hearing your voice getting quieter with each successive word. "Then which team is for people who aren't men or women?" She looks at you for a moment then smiles uncertainly. "Sorry, I don't think we have anything like that. There's just a boy's team and a girl's team." She pauses. "You'd have to join the team that matches your biological gender." "Sex, you mean. Not gender." "Look, we don't care what's between people's legs, we're just here to play soccer." Half of you wants to sink into the ground in complete humiliation, and half of you wants to scream that you didn't bring up genitals, she did, and that "biological gender" isn't a thing. The two halves of you compromise by telling her you'd think about it and stepping away, walking until you come to another booth that catches your eye. [[Quidditch booth]]

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>> //Dysphoria increases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity It probably wasn't worth the hassle if there wasn't a co-ed team. Time to try a new sport, then. You step away and keep walking until you come to a booth that looks interesting. [[Quidditch booth]]

<<set $Unhappiness to $Unhappiness - 2>> //Unhappiness decreases by 2// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity The Quidditch booth has a few members chatting amongst themselves and a small patch of grass on the table with what looks like bubble-blowing sticks stuck on - a scale model of a pitch, you realise, laughing. More importantly, their banner reads "ALL GENDERS WELCOME!" One of the booth members looks up from their conversation and see you peering hopefully at their banner. "Hey there! Wanna join the Quidditch team?" "Do I have to fly?" They laugh and bring out a form, handing it to you. "Only if you want to!" You take the form and point at the banner. "Is that for real? All genders?" They nod enthusiastically. "Yeah, we're an all-inclusive group. There's a [[rule]] in Quidditch actually, that we can't have more than 4 people of any one gender on the pitch at a time. So the more variety, the better, honestly!" You feel a small bubble of happiness rising in you. "That sounds great." "Awesome! If you want to join, just fill that out. Our first practice is next week but we have an icebreaker this weekend!" You nod and grab a pen off the table to start filling in the form, that happiness bubbling up more readily. However, you soon come across a box that asks for gender, M or F, and you feel that small bubble begin to deflate. [[Skip the box]] [[Ask them about the gender box]]

<<set $Unhappiness to $Unhappiness + 1>> <<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>> //Unhappiness increases by 1// //Dysphoria increases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You drag yourself to the [[clinic]] and slump to the reception desk. The receptionist looks up at you and smiles. “Morning, mister. What’s your name?” Not a mister. But you’re too sick to deal with this right now. “It’s Simm.” “Student ID and health card, please?” You dig your wallet out with achy fingers and scrape out your cards, handing them over. The receptionist looks at them, then back up at you. “Is this you?” You’re confused. “Yeah. Why?” The receptionist blinks and you belatedly remember that your card has an old photo, one from before you chopped off your hair (your mom had tried really hard, but failed, not to cry) the day before coming to university. And your health card … it still says female, but the receptionist had thought you were a dude. And both cards said Simone on them, not Simm. Your headache intensifies. “It’s an old picture,” you offer weakly. “Simm short for Simone?” No. “Yeah, sure.” “Okay, just a moment … all right, here are your cards back, and you can just take a seat over there and a nurse will come grab you when we’re ready.” You slouch to a plastic waiting room chair and sink into the hard seat, rubbing your temples. About a half hour passes and you’re fighting not to fall asleep when you hear a nurse calling from the hallway. “Simone? Is there a Ms. Simone Lee here?” You look up, annoyed and a bit defeated. Not quite you. “I think that’s me,” you say weakly, hoisting yourself up. You notice a few glances and double takes from the other people in the waiting room. You grit your teeth. You had already said your name was Simm, why would they call you Simone still? The nurse waves you over. “This way, miss.” Annoyance building, you shuffle after the nurse and are deposited into a clinic room. Before long, a young-looking doctor knocks and walks in, smiling. “Good morning. Simone?” [[No, not me.]] [[Sure.]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity The doctor pauses in the doorway, and as your foggy brain catches up, it dawns on you – you meant to say “No, not me.” What you had said instead was “No, that’s not fucking me.” “Sorry,” you mumble. “I … go by Simm.” The doctor’s smile tightens a bit. “Sorry about that, Simm. I’m Dr. Heaton." A pause, and then, cautiously, "I go by she/her pronouns. What pronouns do you use?” Even in your sick state, you can tell that the question feels unfamiliar in her mouth, but you soften. Points for trying. “They/them.” Dr. Heaton relaxes a bit, nodding and making a note on her laptop before turning to you. “So, what brings you in today, Simm?” You describe your symptoms and Dr. Heaton asks a few questions about how you’re feeling and what you’ve been up to. After a few minutes, she checks your temperature and your throat and then turns back to her laptop to make some notes. “Well, Simm, it sounds and looks like you’ve got something viral. Did you get your flu vaccine yet this year?” “No, I … I was going to later.” “That’s fair. Make sure you come back for that once flu season picks up, but for now there isn’t really anything we can do to speed things up. Get plenty of rest, fluids, and take Tylenol for the fevers, and you can come back if it gets worse or doesn’t go away in a few days. I hope you don’t have any assignments or tests quite yet, but if you do, let us know and we can send your professors a note if they ask for one.” “Thanks so much.” Dr. Heaton smiles and turns back to you. “I’m sorry this happened right at the start of term,” she says gently. “It’s certainly not ideal.” You shrug. “Oh well.” “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss today?” You look at her, trying to gauge whether she would take your request for hormone therapy seriously, unlike your last doc. [[“Yeah, actually …”]] [[“No, I think that’s everything.”]]

<<set $Dysphoria to $Dysphoria + 1>> //Dysphoria increases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity The doctor smiles and sits down in front of you. “I’m Dr. Heaton. So, what brings you in today, Simone?” You describe your symptoms and Dr. Heaton asks a few questions about how you’re feeling and what you’ve been up to. After a few minutes, she checks your temperature and your throat and then turns back to her laptop to make some notes. “Well, Simm, it sounds and looks like you’ve got something viral. Did you get your flu vaccine yet this year?” “No, I … I was going to later.” “That’s fair. Make sure you come back for that once flu season picks up, but for now there isn’t really anything we can do to speed things up. Get plenty of rest, fluids, and take Tylenol for the fevers, and you can come back if it gets worse or doesn’t go away in a few days. I hope you don’t have any assignments or tests quite yet, but if you do, let us know and we can send your professors a note if they ask for one.” “Thanks so much.” Dr. Heaton smiles and turns back to you. “I’m sorry this happened right at the start of term,” she says gently. “It’s certainly not ideal.” You shrug. “Oh well.” “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss today?” You look at her, trying to gauge whether she would take your request for hormone therapy seriously, unlike your last doc. [[“Yeah, actually …”]] [[“No, I think that’s everything.”]]

<<set $HRT to "yes">> <<set $Unhappiness to $Unhappiness - 5>> //Unhappiness decreases by 5// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity Your palms are getting even sweatier. “I wanted to, I mean, I’ve wanted to be on hormones for a long time now. On [[T]]. Um, can you do that?” Dr. Heaton nods. “Definitely, we can do that. However,” she gestures at the clock. “I don’t think we’ll have time to do it justice today; plus, it really looks like you could use some rest. How about we book you in to talk about what your goals would be with hormone therapy and how we can help get you there? Maybe next week?” You’re stunned for a moment. That was it? She just … said yes? “Thanks, that would be great.” “Excellent! You go get your rest now, and we’ll see you next week. Just ask the front desk to book you in with me.” Slightly dazed, you walk out to the reception desk and make an appointment for next week. As you make your way back to your room, you can feel the elation bubbling up inside you. It was happening. It was actually happening. A smile is plastered on your face as you bury yourself into your covers and fall asleep. You spend the next couple days feeling pretty terrible, but your fever breaks on the third day and you’re feeling better by the weekend. You’re grateful – this weekend was the clubs and intramurals fair, and you hadn’t wanted to miss it. [[Intramurals and Clubs Day]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity Dr. Heaton smiles. “Great! You go get your rest now. Feel free to come back if anything else comes up.” “Thanks.” You make your way slowly back to your room, struggling to stay awake. Once you get back, you bury yourself into your covers and fall asleep immediately. You spend the next couple days feeling pretty terrible, but your fever breaks on the third day and you’re feeling better by the weekend. You’re grateful – this weekend was the clubs and intramurals fair, and you hadn’t wanted to miss it. [[Intramurals and Clubs Day]]

<<set $Unhappiness to $Unhappiness - 1>> <<set $Insecurity to $Insecurity + 1>> <<set $JenText to "yes">> //Unhappiness decreases by 1// //Insecurity decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity You're happy to have found another queer person, and you decide to ask Jen for her phone number so that you two can stay in touch. She smiles as she puts her number in, "Don't hesitate to reach out if you ever have any questions, okay? I got your back." You smile and feel a sense of relief. It is really nice to have met someone who was friendly and seemed to get it. With that, Jen waves goodbye and hauls her things out of the common room. Quietly, you head back to your own room to get some rest. [[The Next Day]]

<<set $Unhappiness to $Unhappiness + 1>> <<set $Stress to $Stress + 1>> //Unhappiness increases by 1// //Stress increases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity The next morning, you wake up with a huge headache. Crap. You swallow and it feels like someone had taken sandpaper to your throat overnight. Double crap. You slowly get out of bed and feel all your joints aching as you reach for your toiletries bag. You stumble, and your cursing as your fall over your desk chair wakes Teresa. “Hey, whoa, you okay?” “Ow.” <<if $TeresaName is "simone">>Teresa’s at your side now, tutting. “You’re super pale and sweaty, are you feeling ok?” “I’m fine,” you insist. You put a hand on your desk and try to stand. Every joint loudly protests. “I might be a bit sick.” “A bit!” Teresa rolls her eyes and dives into another of her bags, fishing around until she pulls out a thermometre. “Here, open up.” You feel a bit silly as she rights your desk chair and pushes you into it, shoving the thermometre into your mouth, but soon the thermometre is beeping insistently and she whisks it away. “Good Lord, Simone you’re burning up! You should go to the student clinic.” You grimace, remembering your doctor back home, an old, severe man who was always around 3 years away from retirement but never found the time for it. He had been completely useless with you when you went and asked him about [[hormone therapy]], yet every visit thereafter from routine vaccinations to freezing off a damn wart, he had always tried to bring it back to [[“the trans thing”]] and whether that was something you had “gotten past”. You stopped seeing him a few years ago. Clearly, you have been silent for too long, because Teresa is pulling you up now and throwing your coat over your shoulders. “No arguments, young lady. You’re sick and you need to see a doctor.” <<else>>Teresa’s sitting up in her bed, watching you warily. “You’re super pale and sweaty, are you feeling ok?” “I’m fine,” you insist. You put a hand on your desk and try to stand. Every joint loudly protests. “I might be a bit sick.” “It looks like more than just a bit!” Teresa rolls her eyes and dives into another of her bags, fishing around until she pulls out a thermometre. She holds it out to you. “Here, check your temperature.” You take the thermometre and put it under your tongue, and soon the thermometre is beeping insistently. Teresa shakes her head at you. “That’s the noise it makes when you’ve got a fever. You should go to the student clinic.” You grimace, remembering your doctor back home, an old, severe man who was always around 3 years away from retirement but never found the time for it. He had been completely useless with you when you went and asked him about [[hormone therapy]], yet every visit thereafter from routine vaccinations to freezing off a damn wart, he had always tried to bring it back to [[“the trans thing”]] and whether that was something you had “gotten past”. You stopped seeing him a few years ago. “Hey, can I have my thermometre back after you wash it?” “Huh? Oh, yeah, of course.” “Ok, I’m going back to sleep,” says Teresa, settling back into her bed. She gives you a pointed look. “Really Simm, I mean it, you should go see someone. You look like death.” <<endif>> [[Go to the clinic]] [[Tough it out]]

<<set $Stress to $Stress + 2>> <<set $Insecurity to $Insecurity - 1>> //Stress increases by 2// //Insecurity decreases by 1// *Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity "I'm not really interested in dating boys." She pouts at you. "Why not!" "Just not what I'm looking for, I guess?" You shift in your seat and glance around. It's true; you aren't looking to date boys. She eyes you suspiciously, but drops her hand from your arm. "What time's your first class tomorrow?" "I've got Biology at 9." You look down at your phone. "It's close to 6, maybe we should head up soon?" Teresa looks down at her food, which isn't even half-finished. "You eat so much faster than I do," she laughs. "You go on, I'll probably be late but I'll catch up." You clear off your plate and head off to Christopher Hall, grateful to get away from the conversation. [[Residence Meeting]]

Just like that. You can go [[back->Introduction]] after you're done reading.

Alternatively, "birthname" or "given name". This is the name used before transition. Please note that it is generally considered rude and aggressive to try and "figure out" someone's deadname. [[back->Help Jen and chat with her more]]

A chest binder is a piece of clothing that is designed to compress and flatten a chest. They can be worn as undergarments or on their own as a shirt, and can be used as part of gender transitioning, gender play, or post surgery recovery. <IMG src = "https://i.imgur.com/p6XJIrt.jpg"> [[back->Engage in conversation with Teresa]]

Intersex people are those who are born with variations in sex chromosomes, gonads, hormones, or genitals that don't fit the "typical" male or female body. This encompasses a wide variety of conditions including Klinefelter syndrome, XYY syndrome, triple X syndrome, and others. Historically, you may have heard the outdated term "hermaphrodite" used. That term is considered stigmatizing and misleading. [[back->Speak up]]

Lesbian, bisexual, and transgender women; gender-diverse folks; and Two Spirit people face disproportionately high rates of discrmination, stigmatization, and traumatic violence compared to their heterosexual and cisgender counterparts. This is often due to intolerance, fear, or hatred. You can read more about it [[here->https://tbinternet.ohchr.org/Treaties/CEDAW/Shared%20Documents/CAN/INT_CEDAW_NGO_CAN_25380_E.pdf]] [[back->Go back to your dorm room]]

A deadname (alternatively, "birthname") is the name given at birth, and often it is no longer used. Deadnaming is to call someone by their deadname, especially if you have been asked not to. Just like any other time you call someone by a name they have asked you not to use, it is considered rude. Additionally, it can feel incredibly invalidating if it happens repeatedly. [[back->Correct her]]

One of our interviewees described this as "identity inertia", when people who have known them by a different name for a long time (family, long-time friends) have difficulty switching over. They often have more difficulty with this than new friends do. Most of our interviewees expressed that it is generally best to simply recognise it in the moment, apologise briefly, and do better in the future. Each trans person will have a different level of comfort with these fumbles. [[back->Do not correct her]]

This story was written pre-COVID-19. A brief note that, as of the time of this writing (May 2020), if you are experiencing symptoms like fever, cough, runny nose, muscle aches, to please call ahead. [[back->Go to the clinic]]

Testosterone. Common in FtM transition hormone therapy, also sometimes used by non-binary patients. [[back->“Yeah, actually …”]]

One of our reviewers mentioned a common frustration from trans patients where practitioners will tunnel in on gender issues and ask questions that are irrelevant to the presenting complaint (the "trans broken arm syndrome"). [[back->Wake Up]]

A common part of medical therapy for patients who wish to transition is to take hormones, such as estrogen or testosterone, depending on their desired results. [[back->Wake Up]]

This is a real rule, made with gender inclusivity in mind. [[back->Quidditch booth]]

The golden snitch is a magic ball in the fictional game of Quidditch in the Harry Potter series. Catching it stops the game and earns the capturing team an unreasonably high number of bonus points. In real-life "Muggle" Quidditch, the snitch is a fast runner with a tennis ball attached to their shorts. The pen depicts the ball, not the person. [[back->Skip the box]]

The golden snitch is a magic ball in the fictional game of Quidditch in the Harry Potter series. Catching it stops the game and earns the capturing team an unreasonably high number of bonus points. In real-life "Muggle" Quidditch, the snitch is a fast runner with tennis balls attached to their shorts. The pen depicts the ball, not the person. [[back->Ask them about the gender box]]

You have found the Easter Egg! 53 Christopher Street is the address of Stonewall Inn, location of the historic [[Stonewall riots->https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewall_riots]]. [[back->Move-In Day]]

And the next part of the story will occur! [[back->Introduction]]

*Stress: $Stress *Dysphoria: $Dysphoria *Unhappiness: $Unhappiness *Insecurity: $Insecurity <<if $TeresaName is "simone">>You shake your head and shrug off the coat, shambling back towards your bed. “No … it’s … I’m fine. I just have to rest.” Teresa sighs, hanging your coat back up before coming over to help you into your bed. “All right, all right. I can see you’re a stubborn one. I’ll bring you some soup later, and if you’re not better by tomorrow you are going to the clinic, okay?” You nod, sinking back into your covers as Teresa tucks you in securely.<<else>>You shake your head and flop back into your bed. “I’m fine,” you mumble. “I just need to rest.” Teresa sighs. “Fine, just don’t get me sick!” You nod, sinking back into your covers and drifting off to sleep.<<endif>> You spend the next couple days feeling pretty terrible, but your fever breaks on the third day and you’re feeling better by the weekend. You’re grateful – this weekend was the clubs and intramurals fair, and you hadn’t wanted to miss it. [[Intramurals and Clubs Day]]